Elizabeth Olsen Too Real For This World

July 29, 2017 | celebrity | Sam Robeson | 0 Comments

Elizabeth Olsen is currently being hunted down by every social media sensation on the planet for not opening her mouth and having a bag of horse turds fall out. The actress candidly spills to the Los Angeles Times about her decision to start an Instagram account at twenty-eight-years-old. The short story: To get that cash bitch:

I decided to join because I realized I was only taking something away from myself. It’s so funny that people like to pretend that they’re maybe or maybe not getting paid to post something. Financially, it’s a brilliant opportunity. Like, I’d really love to be a brand ambassador. I’d love to do a campaign. I think sometimes working with brands or different cosmetic companies — that can help people recognize your face and then they go see your movies. I was only hurting my opportunities by not participating.

Kendall Jenner just threw aside her Pepsi and grabbed the gun out of the police officer’s holster. No more misses nice whore. Bella and Gigi Hadid are dousing themselves in ticks and ready to meet their maker. AKA a Japanese sex robot factory. Social media thrives on the illusion that brands seamlessly weave in and out of sun-drenched vacations in Turks and Caicos. Herbal tea laxative by the grass cabana overlooking a grotto? Great place to take a big dump. The Kardashian sisters paling around a beachside mansion in matching girdles? Called a Tuesday.     

Olsen’s admission that Instagram is the 9 to 5 of dumb bitches cements her as someone who should be studied and admired. Revered? Revered. Twenty-something Insta prostitutes with too many followers and not enough Penicillin fashionably fight for body positivity. Love yourself. Especially if you’re ugly. But hawking makeup like a mattress salesman in a bikini to impressionable followers is more of a “fuck you” than anything.

The FTC can’t fight greed and soullessness. A picture of Lady Gaga guzzling down Bud Light in her Airbnb will never be accompanied by #ad. Just #ew and #butchered. But if we can get more, dare I say, self-aware celebs like Olsen, maybe the Internet won’t implode after all. There’s nothing shittier than someone who shamelessly pimps out relentless quasi-ads. And make sure to head HERE for a FREE subscription to Playboy PLUS!!! 


Photo Credit: Los Angeles Times

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