Because we’re two dudes, Matt and I totally forgot our one-hundredth anniversary. The jubilee. This is why God gave gay men the sensibility to remember special occasions. You can’t spend your days pissed at each other for forgetting your first frottage five years ago to the day.
I’m reminded, and lazily now quoting, my message back from the very first show:
Men had a decent run on this planet. We can go sullen face into the abyss of feminist asexual reproduction and guys from spin class who order beer with hints of fruit or we can face the end of masculinity with a stiff upper lip, a purpose-filled boner, and some understanding of how the fuck we got stamped for extermination in the first place. I can’t remember which option involves less work. Maybe we’ll just do the sullen face thing.
The Last Men on Earth isn’t an exaggeration. Search your newsstands, magazine racks, and online hotspots. There’s a war on scrotums and the scrotes are losing. Badly. No, you don’t get a last cigarette. Those were targeted for elimination before the men. You can’t fight what you don’t believe exists. Death is coming in the form of one politically correct Grim Reaper.
Ever since I was a kid, I always wanted to have something I could call my own. Not the pants my dad poached from drunk midgets in parking structures or the bicycle with one wheel he told me would take me on grand imaginary adventures. Something special. On Last Men on Earth, we say what we want, even if that means being pushed to the front of the extruder line.
See you on the other side. Ask Hank for the fresh doughnuts. He’ll know whether or not you earned them.
God I seemed sober then.
On this week’s Last Men on Earth Podcast, we remind everybody that all your beloved entertainers of yesteryear are all now broke and renting rooms in Van Nuys, wonder how L’Oreal wandered into such bad tranny territory, consider the odds that we’re going to pay to see the all-girls Lord of the Flies remake, agree that women with unfortunate breasts should be able to sue for being photographed topless, allow for the Jenner girls to steal from Mexicans because it’s the natural order, and bemoan the drain circling fundamental right known as Free Speech. Goodbye, Free Speech. We had some good times, didn’t we?
Subscribe for completely fucking free on iTunes. It’s the best four seconds you’ll ever spend.