Tomb Raider revisited cinematically is wrong for so many reasons. Aside from the terrible photoshop that has twitter talking shit about Alicia Vikander’s abnormally long neck on the movie poster, the fact that this movie is happening again hurts my soul. For starters, Angelina Jolie fits the porn star aesthetic way more than Alicia. No one saw Tomb Raider for its strong female lead in the face of adversity. Movie tickets sold because men remembered Lara Croft was the closest thing to playable pornography taking place on PlayStation’s heavily pixelated graphics at the time. Tits, guns, and nostalgia is why anyone even bothered. Our only other option before Lara was rubbing one out to Capcom’s 2D Morrigan or Cammy. Also known as two of the world’s most playable hentai characters in a video game before hentai was ever a thing.
What’s worse: Reboots or video game adaptations? The new Tomb Raider manages to be both, which means it’s already facing an uphill battle. The trailer for the wannabe blockbuster is here, with Alicia Vikander picking up the mantle from the original Lara Croft, Angelina Jolie. One Oscar winner replacing another is not a bad place to start. But, somehow the other puzzle pieces don’t seem to align. At least from what’s on offer in the new promo.
I’m not a fan of video game movies. They always get lost in translation during transfer and end up losing the entire essence of their existence. I enjoy Call Of Duty because I can shout obscenities into the headset while tea bagging the virtual dead body in a display of dominance. I’d never want to see that act repeated on the big screen. It would fall under homo erotic necrophilia and the PC police and press would absolutely have a field day trying to figure out how to maximize their outrage at an occurrence like that. Please just make this movie go away.
Photo Credit: Splash News / Tomb Raider