Three thousand years ago a guy named Morgan Spurlock released the documentary Super Size Me, in which he ate McDonald’s for a month straight and gained weight. Kelly Clarkson does the same thing and she doesn’t get notoriety for it, but Spurlock was making a point about how corporate greed or whatever is killing anyone stupid enough to eat McDonald’s exclusively for an entire month. Unfortunately it didn’t kill Spurlock, and thanks to a new self-published stunt ho confession, we know that years after the height if his what we’ll call fame, Spurlock ordered up a side of sexual misconduct, and is now taking a bite out of the #MeToo movement by setting an example for all male assailants. He also banged a crying girl in college apparently. I’m sure the fact that this is a great way to remind people that he’s still alive in no way factors into Spurlock’s decision to brand himself the most standup molester around:
As I sit around watching hero after hero, man after man, fall at the realization of their past indiscretions, I don’t sit by and wonder ‘who will be next?’ I wonder, ‘when will they come for me?’
You see, I’ve come to understand after months of these revelations, that I am not some innocent bystander, I am also a part of the problem. When I was in college, a girl who I hooked up with on a one night stand accused me of rape. Not outright. There were no charges or investigations, but she wrote about the instance in a short story writing class and called me by name. A female friend who was in the class told be about it afterwards…. This wasn’t how I remembered it at all. In my mind, we’d been drinking all night and went back to my room. We began fooling around, she pushed me off, then we laid in the bed and talked and laughed some more, and then began fooling around again. We took off our clothes. She said she didn’t want to have sex, so we laid together, and talked, and kissed, and laughed, and then we started having sex.
Then there was the time he did something else:
Then there was the time I settled a sexual harassment allegation at my office. This was around 8 years ago, and it wasn’t a gropy feely harassment. It was verbal, and it was just as bad. I would call my female assistant “hot pants” or “sex pants” when I was yelling to her from the other side of the office. Something I thought was funny at the time, but then realized I had completely demeaned and belittled her to a place of non-existence.
Ah the old “sex pants” line. It sounds like something an English-challenged Russian hooker would call out to prospective johns. Along with Taylor Swift and her DJ ass-grabbing three-ring circus, Spurlock is doing his part in minimizing the experiences of people with actual stories to tell. D-list hero assailant isn’t a role that I was aware needed filling. This is like Amy Schumer throwing herself in front of Kim Kardashian on the red carpet or Kathy Griffin just existing. Congrats Morgan, you’ve just been compared to Kathy Griffin.
Photo Credit: Roadside Attractions