The 2018-approved Lara Croft that we don’t have to pretend to not be attracted to is well into her ho stroll for Tomb Raider – set to premiere March 16th – and while talking to Graham Norton, Croft portrayer Alicia Vikander described the differences between her body and that of the original four pixel PC masturbatory aid:
My breasts are not as pointy as the first Lara, but I had a clear vision of how I wanted to play her. I was a huge fan as a kid and whilst I was too scared to play the games when I was 10, I learnt all her moves.
Thanks for the made up story about your childhood. For those who might not remember, Vikander is the new feminist Lara Croft who’s less attractive than Angelina Jolie’s version of the character seen in the original Lara Croft movies, and for good reason. It’s a reminder to young impressionable girls that by showing her curves, Angelina was being a slut. Remember, always be ashamed if your body. And also remember that it’s okay to slut shame someone as long as other people are doing it.
Vikander has been vocal about her goal of portraying Croft as an archaeologist first and foremost and a woman second. And with the ripped teen boy Friday Night Lights bod that Vikander debuted for the role, we don’t even have to think of her as female at all. Vikander is cute and all, but honestly this movie looks like kind of a pile. And we don’t even get the triangular tits that turned 90’s boys into men? Pass.
Photo credit: Graham Bortholomew