To be fair to Beast, pound for pound she’s technically madam Kris Jenner’s biggest blessing. But the member of her harem that Jenner identifies as her biggest blessing is none other than Kourtney Kardashian. The only Kardashian to bravely proceed through life with a semblance of the face she was born with. Yesterday Kourtney turned the big 3-9, and what better way for Jenner to celebrate all of the vast accomplishments of her daughter than to give a drunken speech on Snapchat. All my mom gives me is a phone call and money. Why can’t my mom be an alcoholic deeply sad fame whore. In between puffing on a cigarette, Jenner slurs:
You taught me how to be a mom. You taught me how to love. You taught me what being a mom is all about and you were the first. You were there first and I love you more than I could ever say. I love you more than life itself. You don’t even understand how much I love and adore you and I appreciate you. You’re the biggest blessing and I thank you. Let’s all celebrate Kourtney!
Kourtney never really became the cash cow – that would be Khloé – that Jenner may have wanted, but Kourtney’s Audrina Patridge-worthy exposed upper teeth help keep the Kardashian brothel grounded. If Kourtney really did teach Kris how to be a mom, then she kind of did a piss poor job – as in if they weren’t famous Kris would be in jail for whoring out her children as soon as they could say in their baby babble “ga ga goo goo black dick in my mouth.” But with the right spin child sex trafficking can apparently be not only lucrative, but heartwarming, and this Snapchat shows just how appreciative Kris is of her daughters’ hard work. After the video cuts off Kris says “Now go turn your pussies out c*nts.” Aww. I’m not crying, you are.
Photo Credit: Kris Jenner and Kylie Jenner from Snapchat / Pacific Coast News