By colin September 02, 2014 @ 12:05 PM
Remember when Lindsay Lohan used to be drunk and high and drive her car into other people? Those were good times. A couple years ago she totaled her Porsche into the side of a truck she thought was just a figment of her imagination. At the time, Lindsay convinced her assistant to tell the cops she was the one behind the wheel because Lindsay wasn’t sure her Chuck E. Cheese License to Drive badge was still valid. Addicts only have about three moves. This is one of the classics. The truck driver sued for mental and physical suffering related to Lindsay somehow having auto insurance from a company that wasn’t super diligent about Googling ‘Lindsay Lohan arrests DUI’. The truck driver settled for a cash payout and Lindsay admitting in haiku that she was both the driver and the one at fault. She also agreed that totaling your Porsche on Adderall and booze means people can call you a total dipshit for forever and you’re not allowed to say anything back.
Photo credit: Splash News
By colin July 15, 2014 @ 7:01 AM
Khloe’s new boyfriend posted an Instagram photo of her Mothra egg shaped cans with the hashtag #asssscap. I can only imagine the look of pride on his face when he invented that hashtag. If any girl on Twitter sobbed to Khloe about her boyfriend posting her body part pictures online, Khloe would’ve bounced into action with no less than three trite inspirational poems and a plagiarized quote from Golda Meir about perseverance. But in this case Khloe conveniently defined French Montana’s post as a funny joke from the wonderful married guy and deadbeat dad she’s dating:
He is just funny. He’s light and it’s easy. That’s what I need right now. It’s fun. I like how he’s always happy. Smiles are infectious. They’re contagious. I like that.
You know what else is contagious? Everything he’s going to stick in that fat-injected artificial ass of yours. It’d be easy to feel sorry for Khloe for always choosing door number retarded in her life. But after a while, you do start rooting for the fox to eat Baby Huey and shit out his bow tie.
Photo credit: French Montana/Instagram
By colin March 06, 2014 @ 9:48 AM
Katy Perry knows this cheeky sexualized pop star act is just a bit. You do the Kissed a Girl thing and get half naked in your music videos because it sells records. Then you go home and slap on your fat girl sweatpants eat a pound of olive loaf while watching Hoda and Kathie Lee. Miley Cyrus hasn’t unplugged from The Matrix just yet. She believes she’s the tip of the spear of a female sexual revolution like every teen girl does when she moves out of her parents house and starts to get laid. Katy Perry says when she moved in for the staged peck with Miley in concert, the rabid platypus started shoving her tongue down Katy’s throat like she was her biker lady on a conjugal. Katy pulled away in bacteriological horror:
“God knows where that tongue has been. We don’t know, that tongue is so infamous.”
Excellent point, Katy. Though we’re pretty sure it hasn’t been enveloping the dick of one of the most prodigious pussy slayers in Hollywood like yours has. So quit being such a priss and accept Miley’s tongue down your throat and her finger up your twat if she’s choosing to bless you today with feeling like a real woman. You’re her bitch now. That’s Tennessee law. The next time, she won’t be asking for your opinion.
By colin January 23, 2014 @ 2:21 PM
Justin Bieber faced the judge in Miami this morning after his DUI and expired license and street racing arrest and the judge gave him… $2500 bond. It was beyond exciting. CNN landed a helicopter on the courthouse rooftop with thirty-seven television reporters to cover the Justin Bieber arrest after somebody at Time Warner noticed that not a single person had watched CNN for the past six years. Justin was represented by Roy Black, the defense attorney famous for getting William Kennedy Smith off on his rape charges 20 years ago, and more recently getting Rush Limbaugh sentences to a couple rounds on the golf course for scarfing up ill-gotten Oxy. Justin didn’t say a thing. His hair gel also remained quiet. Somebody rightfully advised him not to flash gang signs of flip off the judge to keep his street cred with the homies because he’s not actually black or going to prison and he’s starting to scare America.
By colin January 14, 2014 @ 8:03 AM
Last week we posted a satirical commentary making light of David Copperfield’s upcoming nuptials with an irreverent aside to a past allegation against the well known magician. The fact is, that criminal allegation has been completely discounted and dismissed by the authorities. If you are interested, you can read details on the case HERE. In no way was the commentary to be construed as factual reporting or anything more than satire. For those unaware of the seven year history of this site, the daily content is intended entirely for satirical commentary. We apologize for any misunderstanding that might have arisen from references that appeared in this story. To avoid any confusion in the future, we will be placing a disclaimer on our website so everyone knows the site is intended as satire, not to be taken seriously.
By colin January 10, 2014 @ 5:54 PM
After three years of E! exclusively preening and fawning every waking loving romantic moment of the Hilary Duff and Mike Comrie Hollywood magical marriage, it’s over. Up until two days ago, the P.R. shill news outlet was still reporting the incredible love affair between the actress and her retired hockey playing boyfriend:
The 26-year-old beauty was spotted enjoying a romantic day in the park with her husband in Beverly Hills, Calif., where she was seen beaming from ear-to-ear as Comrie presented her with a giant leaf…. Duff appearing happy as ever as she hung with her hunky man.
For the record, Hilary wore a burgundy sweater and trendy tennis shoes. Mike wore the scent of his mistress on his collar. Now, the sad break up news from the couple’s P.R. rep unfiltered to the jugheads at E!:
They remain best friends and will continue to be in each other’s lives. They are dedicated to loving and parenting their amazing son, and ask for privacy at this time.
Making your life story completely public remains the single best way to ask for privacy. Apparently, the couple merely drifted apart, as is apt to happen two long days since being happy as ever. Three years and one kid remains the average life expectancy of a Hollywood marriage, lesbians included.