Charlize Theron Reliving History

By colin April 09, 2015 @ 9:23 AM

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Reporters feel obliged to ask actors about how they personally relate to the character in their current movie and actors feel obliged to make up some bullshit answer. Everybody has to pretend that making movies is not simply pretend. That would make both sides seem slightly less important. For her new movie about a girl traumatized from witnessing her family being slaughtered, Charlize Theron had a pretty good kicker. Her mom shot her dad to death when Charlize was a teen after abusive alcoholic dad started roaming the house drunk with his shotgun firing off rounds and threatening to kill his family.

“As far as events go, they’re very similar. There’s a murder [in the film], while my situation was a very unfortunate incident with self-defense.”

Good on Charlize to stick to that self-defense line they all agreed on in the house that night watching asshole dad bleed out. Given that she’s now serious with a guy who used to get drunk and beat on his wife, Charlize Theron has taken precautions to ensure Sean Penn won’t be able to shoot her or her suddenly appearing African baby. Theron asked Penn to give up his gun collection. Penn agreed, declaring the ugliness of guns and insisting he was going to “render inactive all of my cowardly killing machines.” Penn had 65 guns in the house. That’s a shitload of cowardice. You know he held on to one. Fortunately Charlize knows what to do when the time comes.

Photo credit: Getty Images 

Rose McGowan Can’t Be Topless Enough

By colin November 24, 2014 @ 1:11 PM

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I’m not sure if Rose McGowan made a bet with a friend who she’s just the only go-to named actress in Hollywood who will flash her bare cans for a reasonable rate, but she seems to be topless in half the style and arts magazines this month. I could explain how Rose is ten times the feminist any of the ranting ladies of the Northeastern college corridor, but I’m kind of busy looking at her tits again. That’s her genius right there.

Photo credit: Flatt Magazine

Lindsay Lohan Pays Truck Driver She Smashed Into

By colin September 02, 2014 @ 12:05 PM

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Remember when Lindsay Lohan used to be drunk and high and drive her car into other people? Those were good times. A couple years ago she totaled her Porsche into the side of a truck she thought was just a figment of her imagination. At the time, Lindsay convinced her assistant to tell the cops she was the one behind the wheel because Lindsay wasn’t sure her Chuck E. Cheese License to Drive badge was still valid. Addicts only have about three moves. This is one of the classics. The truck driver sued for mental and physical suffering related to Lindsay somehow having auto insurance from a company that wasn’t super diligent about Googling ‘Lindsay Lohan arrests DUI’. The truck driver settled for a cash payout and Lindsay admitting in haiku that she was both the driver and the one at fault. She also agreed that totaling your Porsche on Adderall and booze means people can call you a total dipshit for forever and you’re not allowed to say anything back.

Photo credit: Splash News

#asssscap

By colin July 15, 2014 @ 7:01 AM

French-Montana-posts-pictures-of-Khloe's-ass

Khloe’s new boyfriend posted an Instagram photo of her Mothra egg shaped cans with the hashtag #asssscap. I can only imagine the look of pride on his face when he invented that hashtag. If any girl on Twitter sobbed to Khloe about her boyfriend posting her body part pictures online, Khloe would’ve bounced into action with no less than three trite inspirational poems and a plagiarized quote from Golda Meir about perseverance. But in this case Khloe conveniently defined French Montana’s post as a funny joke from the wonderful married guy and deadbeat dad she’s dating:

He is just funny. He’s light and it’s easy. That’s what I need right now. It’s fun. I like how he’s always happy. Smiles are infectious. They’re contagious. I like that.

You know what else is contagious? Everything he’s going to stick in that fat-injected artificial ass of yours. It’d be easy to feel sorry for Khloe for always choosing door number retarded in her life. But after a while, you do start rooting for the fox to eat Baby Huey and shit out his bow tie.

Photo credit: French Montana/Instagram

Katy Perry Got Too Much Miley Tongue

By colin March 06, 2014 @ 9:48 AM

Katy Perry knows this cheeky sexualized pop star act is just a bit. You do the Kissed a Girl thing and get half naked in your music videos because it sells records. Then you go home and slap on your fat girl sweatpants eat a pound of olive loaf while watching Hoda and Kathie Lee. Miley Cyrus hasn’t unplugged from The Matrix just yet. She believes she’s the tip of the spear of a female sexual revolution like every teen girl does when she moves out of her parents house and starts to get laid. Katy Perry says when she moved in for the staged peck with Miley in concert, the rabid platypus started shoving her tongue down Katy’s throat like she was her biker lady on a conjugal. Katy pulled away in bacteriological horror:

“God knows where that tongue has been. We don’t know, that tongue is so infamous.”

Excellent point, Katy. Though we’re pretty sure it hasn’t been enveloping the dick of one of the most prodigious pussy slayers in Hollywood like yours has. So quit being such a priss and accept Miley’s tongue down your throat and her finger up your twat if she’s choosing to bless you today with feeling like a real woman. You’re her bitch now. That’s Tennessee law. The next time, she won’t be asking for your opinion.

Judge Sentences Justin Bieber to Death!

By colin January 23, 2014 @ 2:21 PM


Justin Bieber faced the judge in Miami this morning after his DUI and expired license and street racing arrest and the judge gave him… $2500 bond. It was beyond exciting. CNN landed a helicopter on the courthouse rooftop with thirty-seven television reporters to cover the Justin Bieber arrest after somebody at Time Warner noticed that not a single person had watched CNN for the past six years. Justin was represented by Roy Black, the defense attorney famous for getting William Kennedy Smith off on his rape charges 20 years ago, and more recently getting Rush Limbaugh sentences to a couple rounds on the golf course for scarfing up ill-gotten Oxy. Justin didn’t say a thing. His hair gel also remained quiet. Somebody rightfully advised him not to flash gang signs of flip off the judge to keep his street cred with the homies because he’s not actually black or going to prison and he’s starting to scare America.