Obama and Gwyneth Paltrow To Join Wonder Twin Powers at Rush Hour

By Lex October 09, 2014 @ 1:48 PM

Obama-Visiting-Paltrow-Residence

Right about the time L.A. traffic gets super fucking horrible today, President Obama is going to make it truly memorably by hitting up the Gwyneth Paltrow Goop House West to discuss matters related to ISIS, the prevailing long term bond rates, and any possible Danish salves that might help his lady be more ready for him without the need for foreplay. I can’t imagine a place I’d rather be than a get together with Barack and Gwyneth and one hundred of their self-satisfied and decked out friends racing to slap Ben Affleck on the back for defending killer Muslims from being labeled as killer Muslims. That is if Jennifer Garner allows the contact.

I’d never suggest anything bad happen to the President of the United States. It’s illegal to even think about stuff like that. They will Minority Report your ass right down to Guantanamo. Same thing goes for Gwyneth Paltrow who has been designated a national landmark or treasure or ex-patriot whiny halibut or something like that. Gwyneth has been trying desperately to be in the news since she uncoupled with her husband and he started coupling with that hot topless chick from all those 4Chan photos. I wish all of them nothing but a wonderful evening. At the same time, if I send over a horribly feverish recent immigrant from Sierra Leone with flowers for the party, please let him in to use the toilet.

The Secret Service Is Gonna Get Obama Killed

By Matt October 01, 2014 @ 6:36 AM

Obama

The Secret Service has taken a bad rap in recent years for banging prostitutes and getting wasted and not shooting Justin Bieber and burying him quietly in the Mojave desert. In recent weeks, knife wielding crazies seem to be trespassing into the White House with about as much difficulty as sneaking into a high school kegger. It’s possible the bell rang at Secret Service class before the teacher could answer, ‘And then what do we do if somebody climbs over the fence?’

A new report states the President rode an elevator earlier this month with an armed security contractor with three criminal convictions who was antagonizing the President and his entourage with his cell phone camera. People with criminal convictions are not supposed to be anywhere near the President, unless of course they’re members of his cabinet or Congressmen visiting from The Hill. And I’m pretty sure that rule goes double for convicted criminals carrying concealed hand guns.

It’s unclear how the Secret Service allowed this guy to share an elevator ride with the Commander in Chief. Maybe he slipped one of the agents some Taylor Swift tickets for his daughter in exchange for the once in a lifetime experience of going up and down with Barack. The President has to be a bit concerned with how poorly his human shield is protecting him these days. If I were Obama I’d swear in a a band of trained ninjas to shadow me in case my first line of defense starts tipping sizzurp and falling asleep on watch again. These wackadoos trying to get Obama might slip past a few hungover Federal agents, but they’re not surviving the throwing stars and blow guns.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Malia Obama Topless! Fuck You, I’m Kidding, Obama, Don’t Drone Me

By Lex July 15, 2014 @ 10:08 AM

Malia-Obama-in-Ireland

I didn’t expect the Hollywood photo agencies to fold like my grandma playing poker at the Fremont when they got shots of Malia Obama at a celebrity hangout in Venice wearing what has been described as ‘grown up’ clothing. Malia’s in Hollywood this summer pretending to intern for Halle Berry on her new TV show. Sweet gig if you can get it. When Obama staffers got wind of the photos, they dialed the AKM-GSI photo agency and insisted they remove the photos and triple erase their hard-drives containing any of the media. The Obamas claimed privilege on a deal they have with photo agencies to never show pictures of their daughters without their dad. That doesn’t sound like a deal so much as a polite request from the guy who is besties with the IRS Chief.

Many people are citing the the longstanding tradition of the press excluding the First Kids from their news coverage. I guess like the tradition of Presidential kids interning for Halle Berry and putting on tight tank tops to hit the trendy bars in Venice. Outside of their ability to fly missile loaded drones over your house, I’m not sure how the Obamas are different than any other celebrity family. When the offspring put themselves in the spotlight, we report. I mean, not me, I’m not a fucking legitimate reporter. I’ m just a guy who wants to see Malia Obama in a tight top because that’s sick and wrong and you’re thinking the exact same thing.

In Europe, the press give great deference to their royals and leaders. If you publish an embarrassing photo of the royals, they still guillotine off your head and/or sue you in the Hague for eleven Euros. Thirty-seven thousand people were rounded up and shot when those Kate Middleton topless pictures got posted. God forbid anyone should see the sacred flapjacks of the future monarch. But we’re not supposed to do that here in America. This is the land of commoner governance. If the Obamas don’t want to see photos of their teen daughter dressed overly mature coming out of a celebrity hangout in Hollywood, maybe don’t have your teen daughter dressed overly mature coming out of a celebrity hangout in Hollywood. Fuck, you’re the Commander in Chief, you can handle a cranky teen daughter in the White House whining about being bored. I feel bad for Malia. She didn’t choose this life in the gilded cage. But lock this shit down and stop waving around your nuclear football finger to control the press. I don’t remember all the Amendments, but like most Americans I do remember the first one.

Photo credit: Splash News

North Korea Calls Obama A ‘Crossbreed Monkey Who Should Live in Africa’

By Lex May 08, 2014 @ 12:53 PM

North-Korean-Patriotic-Celebration

The Korean Central News Agency, the official press arm of the North Korean government, has been trying to boost sagging subscription numbers with some rather epic racist rants in their little newspaper. They’ve got columnists calling out other world leaders for being, in their words, homos and prostitutes and whores, only they used the local slang so nobody outside Korean would notice so much. On Obama’s recent tour of Asia, they took a turn at the U.S. President, calling him a ‘wicked black monkey’ and comparing him to a primate in his appearance:

…it would be perfect for Obama to live with a group of monkeys in the world’s largest African natural zoo and lick the bread crumbs thrown by spectators.

Later on I think they compared him to Curious George and told him to hold balloons and fly over New York. Some race baiters just don’t know when they’ve taken an analogy too far. North Korean voodoo political philosophy is in large part based on their view of being racially pure super-beings. Like most over the top racists, they’re dead broke with fucked up teeth sitting on their broken porch with a couple old guns pointed at the world. It’s doubtful Obama will publicly respond to this obviously provocative nonsense, but after Magic Johnson has some time to reflect on Twitter, I would expect Adam Silver to move quickly and urge the Board of Governors to strip North Korea of their NBA franchise.

President Obama and Daniel Craig Ask That You Kindly Stop Raping Women (VIDEO)

By Lex April 30, 2014 @ 3:30 PM

The Vice President is like the less ambitious son who still lives at home who you give a few odd jobs to keep him from hanging around the house and eating all the cereal. You don’t give him Ukraine or long term unemployment, but you let him handle the funerals of third world leaders and hiding the easter eggs for the annual White House lawn hunt. Then, when he asks to jump on a more media noteworthy political softball, you throw him rape. More specifically, being against rape. Who isn’t against rape? I mean, outside of rapists, and even they probably wish they liked golf instead. Vice-President Biden and a few of his celebrity friends got together for a big public awareness campaign on YouTube to tell men that it’s not cool to assault women. Sort of a gentle reminder, like keeping your elbows off the table and putting the toilet seat back down. It’s so easy to fall into bad habits. Like rape.

If I saw it happening, I wouldn’t blame her, I’d help her.– Daniel Craig in the 1 is 2 Many PSA

Wow, crappy and tired looking Daniel Craig. That is mighty progressive of you. I’m not sure I could resist the urge to blame a rape victim for wearing her skirt to high or acting non-biblical. Enjoy your rape, harlot! I say that a lot. Or I used to before Daniel and Dulé Hill and President Obama educated me otherwise. I hope this public service campaign goes more swimmingly than that 20 year long ‘This is your brain on drugs’ series of commercials that spent billions only to turn out to intrigue young people into actually experimenting with drugs to see what fried egg brain felt like. I’d hate to think Benicio Del Toro is going to get a whole bunch of boys from the Chess Club to start widespread raping in their schools because they got really curious as to this awesome taboo.

I like to look shit up when the government declares something an epidemic. Rape and sexual assault are down 58% in the past couple of decades thanks to a general decrease in violent crime and far stricter sentencing and monitoring of sex offenders. About 80% of sex offenders continue to be somebody known to the victim. And they continue to happen overwhelmingly in poor, rural areas. You know, where the drunk uncles watch lots of government PSAs on YouTube and want to make Obama happy. As long as everybody involved in the making of this PSA feels better, and un-raped, I declare this project a government stamped winner.

Obama To Address Justin Bieber Deportation

By Lex January 29, 2014 @ 8:16 PM

I can’t remember all the shit Obama promised as President. Just last night he promised a ton more shit. I believe I’m supposed to get laid more often and look a hint less like a beagle. I know Obama promised more openness and access for the Average Joe who can’t pay fifty grand to shake the Presidential hand at Jeffrey Katzenberg’s vegan-option soirees. Obama set up that idiotic White House petition process so that angry ethnic groups and black helicopter conspiracists and the other people who routinely bug the shit out of the White House operator could create online rants instead. If 100,000 people sign your petition, the President will look at them. Sort of like he looks at Malia’s social science homework or the federal budget. A couple seconds of retinal fly by and a reassuring smile.

The Deport Justin Bieber people officially passed the 100,000 signature mark so Barack’s going to need to check that one out. The Keep Bieber petitioners have set up a couple of their own to countermand the Deport Bieber people:

Instead of looking at all the horrible events that Justin Bieber has been through why not the good? People only look at his bad boy aura and not everything that he has done to help around the world. He has donated so much money to charity’s but people over look that fact. Also, what about all these celebrity’s that have done so much worse. For example, Chris Brown was charged for Women abuse but was let off the hook. Just because he’s Justin Bieber and not some rapper doesn’t mean he deserves this.

For semi-literate middle schoolers, the Keep Bieber petitioners make an excellent point. We do completely omit Bieber’s fine charity work. He falls into that smallish 99.8 percent of celebrities linked to good causes. It’s a well known fact that he did something nice for someone with a horrible disease. Probably a kid. Shit, he probably hugged him and took photos. And what about that double standard accusation? Chris Brown did do lots of Women abuse and he gets to still live here. Why don’t we deport him back to Virginia? This democracy thing really is the best way to decide stuff. Keep it rolling, Average Joe.