Obama To Address Justin Bieber Deportation

By Lex January 29, 2014 @ 8:16 PM

I can’t remember all the shit Obama promised as President. Just last night he promised a ton more shit. I believe I’m supposed to get laid more often and look a hint less like a beagle. I know Obama promised more openness and access for the Average Joe who can’t pay fifty grand to shake the Presidential hand at Jeffrey Katzenberg’s vegan-option soirees. Obama set up that idiotic White House petition process so that angry ethnic groups and black helicopter conspiracists and the other people who routinely bug the shit out of the White House operator could create online rants instead. If 100,000 people sign your petition, the President will look at them. Sort of like he looks at Malia’s social science homework or the federal budget. A couple seconds of retinal fly by and a reassuring smile.

The Deport Justin Bieber people officially passed the 100,000 signature mark so Barack’s going to need to check that one out. The Keep Bieber petitioners have set up a couple of their own to countermand the Deport Bieber people:

Instead of looking at all the horrible events that Justin Bieber has been through why not the good? People only look at his bad boy aura and not everything that he has done to help around the world. He has donated so much money to charity’s but people over look that fact. Also, what about all these celebrity’s that have done so much worse. For example, Chris Brown was charged for Women abuse but was let off the hook. Just because he’s Justin Bieber and not some rapper doesn’t mean he deserves this.

For semi-literate middle schoolers, the Keep Bieber petitioners make an excellent point. We do completely omit Bieber’s fine charity work. He falls into that smallish 99.8 percent of celebrities linked to good causes. It’s a well known fact that he did something nice for someone with a horrible disease. Probably a kid. Shit, he probably hugged him and took photos. And what about that double standard accusation? Chris Brown did do lots of Women abuse and he gets to still live here. Why don’t we deport him back to Virginia? This democracy thing really is the best way to decide stuff. Keep it rolling, Average Joe.

Jay-Z Can Get Presidents Impeached?

By Jack April 12, 2013 @ 9:25 AM

The most powerful Black man in America, Jay-Z, not only doesn’t care that Cubans in Miami are pissed at him for going to Cuba but he also is flippant about getting his buddy Barack Obama into trouble. Last week Mr. Beyonce and Beyonce got into some Cuban Missile Crisis level shitstorm when they visited the island nation that is off limits to most Americans. Jay-Z rapped in a new song about the controversy:

Politicians never did s**t for me … except lie to me, distort history.
Obama said chill ‘You gonna get me impeached.
We don’t need this s**t anyway chill with me on the beach.

Wow, a real Robert Frost. Jay-Z’s obvious implication being that the president helped him get his ass onto Cuba.

Here’s a little secret: it’s easy as fuck to get onto Cuba. You can just hit Mexico or some other middle country airport and use cash to buy a ticket to Cuba. Almost nobody gets caught doing this because nobody outside of Washington D.C. and Miami gives a rat’s ass if you want to go to Cuba to get cheap hookers and booze. But the Beyonces are parents now and wanted to do everything legal-like, so they called up Obama and called in a favor for mugging at so many of his fundraisers over the years. And who should really care? As a Cuban-American I was born and bred to hate those Castro mutherfuckers and I hope they smoke a turd in hell for all eternity. Still, isn’t it time to just say fuck it and let Southwest Airlines get you down to Havana by way of Kansas City  and Midway with an equipment change in Charlotte?

Miss Israel Tried To Seduce Barack Obama To Free A Spy

By Travis March 22, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Ever since Barack Obama landed in Israel, politicians over there have been grilling him about why he’s even there and when he’s going to let convicted spy Jonathan Pollard out of prison so he can move to Israel and be celebrated for selling them secrets. In fact, ever since he pleaded guilty in 1987, Pollard has been the subject of a lot of conversations between Israel’s leaders and American presidents, but we haven’t budged on releasing him from his life sentence.

But last night, Obama walked right into a trap straight out of Dolemite, as he invited Miss Israel Yityish Aynaw to his state dinner, after she told a reporter two weeks ago that she was going to ask Obama to release Pollard. Her plan? To flatter his dick into submission.

“I was influenced and inspired by Obama. Like him, I was also raised by my grandmother. Nothing was handed to me on a plate and like him I also had to work very hard and long to achieve things in my life. To this day he inspires me just as he inspires the rest of the world,” she says.

“I couldn’t believe that one of the most influential people in the world, the head of such an important state, would invite someone like me to attend such an important event. It has only just now sunk in and I can understand that it’s happening.” (BBC)

So yeah, she might have asked Obama to free a spy last night or she may have just enjoyed a free meal and smiled for the cameras. But if Obama comes back and makes Pollard a free man, somebody better ask to smell the president’s fingers.

bin Laden is photogenic

By brendon May 03, 2011 @ 3:39 PM


On Thursday, Time magazine will run a cover showing Osama bin Laden stamped with a red X, because yesterday SEAL Team 6 kicked in the door of his bedroom and shot him in his fucking face. It’s similar to the covers announcing the death of Adolf Hitler in 1945, Saddam Hussein in 2003, and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi in 2006.

And if you think that picture is delightful, you’ll love the death photo Drudge says is on the way, and CNN says he’s been a regular little supermodel lately, posing at least 3 times. The sets include:

1. Bin Ladens body at a hangar after he was brought back to Afghanistan. This is the most recognizable with a clear picture of his face. The picture is gruesome because he has a massive open head wound across both eyes. It’s very bloody and gory.
2. The burial at sea on the USS Carl Vinson. Photos of bin Laden before the shroud was put on and then wrapped in the shroud.
3. The raid itself that include photos of the two dead brothers, one of bin Ladens dead son (adult adolescent, maybe approx 18 yrs old) and some of the inside scene of the compound.

Please tell me someone thought to bring Lynndie England, cigarettes and dog collars.

they do WHAT?

By brendon January 22, 2009 @ 10:54 AM

Um, did that lady just say our new President and First Lady do a lot of fisting?  Because if so, if President Obama condones that sort of thing, I see no reason to shut down Gitmo. There's no way what we're doing down there is worse than that.

holy mother of god

By brendon January 20, 2009 @ 9:34 AM

Since President Obamas inauguration is the big story today, sex-kitten reader Nadia sent in this link showing what’s inside the Secret Service Yukon XL that follows the presidential limo.  Namely, the Dillon M134D Gatling Gun, a six barreled, electrically driven machine gun chambered in 7.62mm, capable of firing 4,000 rounds per minute.  And get this, the bullets are laced with poison.  And the poison is high in calories.  These guys aren’t fuckin around.