By Matt May 19, 2015 @ 6:19 AM
President Obama has signed up for Twitter six and a half years into his presidency and is even considering tackling some of his campaign promises. He currently has 851,000 followers and is rumored to be super jealous of Katy Perry. So far he has sent out one tweet which announced that he started the account and will be spending a lot of time on his laptop. I’m pretty sure the whole thing is a ruse to up his porn game. His Twitter bio reads:
“Dad, husband, and 44th President of the United States.”
I think you fucked up the order Barry. If we’re talking priorities I really don’t give a shit how well you fuck your wife or how often you sit down for dinner with the kids. You’ve got a country to run for eighteen more months and should be trolling ISIS accounts on Twitter and dropping screeds. Obama is following the Bulls, White Sox, and Blackhawks as well as many members of his cabinet and former presidents Bush and Clinton. He is not following Hillary Clinton which has raised some eyebrows and people are hypothesizing that even political hacks are now starting to measure each other on social media. I look forward to the POTUS dick pics he thought got erased on Snapchat. This can only get even more uninteresting. Let the fat shaming begin.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex April 10, 2015 @ 10:23 AM
I was on the fence with this whole environmental debate until President Obama shared the tale of how global warming attacked his daughter. You don’t come after a man’s family, not when he has a microphone and an unquestioning audience.
Well you know Malia had asthma when she was 4 and because we had good health insurance, we were able to knock it out early. And if we can make sure that our responses to the environment are reducing those incidents, that’s something that I think every parent would wish for…”
Obama tied together hot temperatures, more wildfires and longer allergy seasons to more asthma. Also, how the same environmental impact caused his March Madness bracket to be so shitty and UVA frat boys to incessantly rape coeds. Obama went on to share a dubious story about how he was a college student in Los Angeles in 1979 and how his lungs would burn after five minutes of jogging due to particulate matter in no way related to his two packs a day habit. The only valid response is to convene a White House Summit on Climate Change, similar to the White House Summit on Global Warming, but different enough that new napkins had to be ordered. Summit sounds more lofty than Expensive Gathering in D.C. To the Benefit of Hotel Bar Hookers. Head will be given on the second floor as the Potomac is rising an eighth of an inch each decade. If you think of a polar bear cub crying when you spew, the entire junket is tax deductible.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Matt March 13, 2015 @ 7:33 AM
Last week a woman drove up to the south entrance of White House, threw a package out of her car and announced it was a bomb. The package was immediately cordoned off and the bomb squad was called. A half hour later two of the highest ranking Secret Service agents in Washington, Mark Connolly and George Ogilvie, showed up drunk to the scene after they’d been partying at a Secret Service party in Chinatown like in the movies. They proceeded to crash their donut filled car through the crime scene tape while jabbing each other with light hearted racial epithets. The car careened through the bomb squad investigation and actually ran over the package or came close, depending on what witnesses you believe and how well they know the keystone cops in question. The on-duty agents wanted to arrest the two because they were wasted but they were allowed to walk away instead of be sent to a black ops sight in Slovakia like you would. The incident should be on TBS soon. I hope they make five of these.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex February 17, 2015 @ 1:24 PM
Anybody who thinks Obama is a tool but Bush was a gem needs to be an NBA ref objectively calling fouls for Kobe. They’re both a couple of Kinko’s overnight managers who can’t unjam a copier when you need your weed protest flyers printed. Neither of these Commanders in Chief could bring themselves to use the phrase Islamic Terrorists.
The enemy of America is not our many Muslim friends; it is not our many Arab friends. Our enemy is a radical network of terrorists, and every government that supports them.”
Bush said that right after 9/11.He’s the hawk. Obama is just repeating the same politically correct lines. It’s supposed to keep our reputation from being besmirched in the Muslim and Arab world. How’s that working out? Obama is currently hosting an anti-terrorist summit where you have to put a dollar in a swear jar any time you use the word Muslim. 99% of Muslims will never commit an act of terror. But 99% of terrorists are Muslim borne or converts so where does that leave our anti-terrorism summit where we can’t talk about that? Kill Norway.
Obama opened the National Prayer Breakfast by talking about all he barbaric shit Christians did in the name of religion. The Crusades, the Inquisition, and Slavery. All extremely relevant if you view time like Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar. It’s not a line, it’s a circle. Something like that, I fell asleep. Fuck me, grab your swords and crosses and let’s go save the Holy Land from the Ottomans. Cardinal Richelieu, don’t forget the swear jar.
The time to lie and pussyfoot about is when you want to get laid. Radical Islam is not a chick, it’s a chick on a never ending period with an RPG and a belief that if she kills enough people before she gets taken out, she gets a spa day with her best friends for the rest of eternity. In World War II we had the neat idea of telling our enemies, you think world domination is a cute? How about we flatten you like a pancake and then reassess your position? That was the last war we won. Now we can’t even utter the name of our enemies aloud. We’re so screwed.
By Lex December 23, 2014 @ 8:29 AM
If you’re past the age of six and you still believe in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and honest politicians you’re headed for a life of believing the Jiffy Lube guy when he tells you you need a new air filter for $79.95 every visit. You might as well just check the forever renewal box on your Highlight Magazine and prepare to find sex icky. You’re living in the land of the fairy puppets. A new story came out about the Obama administration doing some big ass legal favors for an Ecuadoran family that cuts fat checks to Obama campaign fundraising efforts.
The Obama administration has allowed the family’s patriarchs, Roberto and William Isaías, to remain in the United States, refusing to extradite them to Ecuador. The two brothers were sentenced in absentia in 2012 to eight years in prison, accused of running their bank into the ground and then presenting false balance sheets to profit from bailout funds. In a highly politicized case, Ecuador says the fraud cost the country $400 million.
Another chick in the Ecuadoran family got her travel ban to the U.S. overturned the day after she cut a check to Obama for $40K. It’s suggested this is tantamount to bribery which is stupid because this is obviously bribery. And, so what? You’re going apeshit on The Godfather for stealing an apple?
It’s not cynical as fuck to assume all of your elected representatives are selling you out for personal or party favors. It’s absolutely completely true. Obama can take the ill-gotten Ecuadorian banana magnate money and deck out the White House with a kick ass Finnish sauna that includes an elevated parking carousel for his tricked out Bentley collection. At least we could call him a player and rejoice when we read about bribery knowing he’s probably banging Beyonce. He’s not the first, not the only, not the last. New Jack City had a higher standard of ethics than Washington. The system is rigged and the people who bitch about it the most are the people who continue to vote to keep it running. Fuck most all of you. You get what you deserve.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 11:41 AM
With all the Ferguson and Eric Garner protests going on, The Obamas turned to the hard-hitting People magazine to remind less educated Americans that they have racism stories too. Michelle Obama shared the time somebody mistook her for an employee at Target when she was shopping there on some publicity stunt and asked her to help them find something on the shelf. Pretty harrowing stuff.
The only person who came up to me in the store was a woman who asked me to help her take something off a shelf. Because she didn’t see me as the first lady, she saw me as someone who could help her.
Because the first lady wouldn’t help you, naturally. Sorry, I meant, no!!!!!!. This is like watching the scenes from Roots that had to be cut out because they were too chilling for network television.
Barack took his pre-designated term with the chowder whores at People by mentioning how he was mistaken for a waiter while in a tuxedo at a black tie event and also mistaken for a valet outside a restaurant:
There’s no black male my age, who’s a professional, who hasn’t come out of a restaurant and is waiting for their car and somebody didn’t hand them their car keys.
Fuck, why was this not in the CIA torture report? Though you have to consider that parking valet is a more legitimate job than your wholly contrived gig at the time as a community organizer. I know what I’d do if some asswipe slipped me a twenty and the keys to his Porsche and told me to park his baby somewhere safe, but being white I would so without the shame of enslaved generations on my shoulders. Just some chick I called to impress with what I tell her is my new ride only to discover it’s pretty impossible to have sex in a Porsche.
It’s probably a good thing that the Obamas are talking about ignorant racial shit even if their own stories are super sucky. These teachable moments are one of the reasons so many voted for him. To scold and to remind. We really don’t elect Presidents because we think they’re strong executive material any more. Not since they started allowing those ‘other people’ to vote. No, not the blacks. The women. They ruined everything.
Photo credit: Splash News