By Lex December 23, 2014 @ 8:29 AM
If you’re past the age of six and you still believe in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and honest politicians you’re headed for a life of believing the Jiffy Lube guy when he tells you you need a new air filter for $79.95 every visit. You might as well just check the forever renewal box on your Highlight Magazine and prepare to find sex icky. You’re living in the land of the fairy puppets. A new story came out about the Obama administration doing some big ass legal favors for an Ecuadoran family that cuts fat checks to Obama campaign fundraising efforts.
The Obama administration has allowed the family’s patriarchs, Roberto and William Isaías, to remain in the United States, refusing to extradite them to Ecuador. The two brothers were sentenced in absentia in 2012 to eight years in prison, accused of running their bank into the ground and then presenting false balance sheets to profit from bailout funds. In a highly politicized case, Ecuador says the fraud cost the country $400 million.
Another chick in the Ecuadoran family got her travel ban to the U.S. overturned the day after she cut a check to Obama for $40K. It’s suggested this is tantamount to bribery which is stupid because this is obviously bribery. And, so what? You’re going apeshit on The Godfather for stealing an apple?
It’s not cynical as fuck to assume all of your elected representatives are selling you out for personal or party favors. It’s absolutely completely true. Obama can take the ill-gotten Ecuadorian banana magnate money and deck out the White House with a kick ass Finnish sauna that includes an elevated parking carousel for his tricked out Bentley collection. At least we could call him a player and rejoice when we read about bribery knowing he’s probably banging Beyonce. He’s not the first, not the only, not the last. New Jack City had a higher standard of ethics than Washington. The system is rigged and the people who bitch about it the most are the people who continue to vote to keep it running. Fuck most all of you. You get what you deserve.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 11:41 AM
With all the Ferguson and Eric Garner protests going on, The Obamas turned to the hard-hitting People magazine to remind less educated Americans that they have racism stories too. Michelle Obama shared the time somebody mistook her for an employee at Target when she was shopping there on some publicity stunt and asked her to help them find something on the shelf. Pretty harrowing stuff.
The only person who came up to me in the store was a woman who asked me to help her take something off a shelf. Because she didn’t see me as the first lady, she saw me as someone who could help her.
Because the first lady wouldn’t help you, naturally. Sorry, I meant, no!!!!!!. This is like watching the scenes from Roots that had to be cut out because they were too chilling for network television.
Barack took his pre-designated term with the chowder whores at People by mentioning how he was mistaken for a waiter while in a tuxedo at a black tie event and also mistaken for a valet outside a restaurant:
There’s no black male my age, who’s a professional, who hasn’t come out of a restaurant and is waiting for their car and somebody didn’t hand them their car keys.
Fuck, why was this not in the CIA torture report? Though you have to consider that parking valet is a more legitimate job than your wholly contrived gig at the time as a community organizer. I know what I’d do if some asswipe slipped me a twenty and the keys to his Porsche and told me to park his baby somewhere safe, but being white I would so without the shame of enslaved generations on my shoulders. Just some chick I called to impress with what I tell her is my new ride only to discover it’s pretty impossible to have sex in a Porsche.
It’s probably a good thing that the Obamas are talking about ignorant racial shit even if their own stories are super sucky. These teachable moments are one of the reasons so many voted for him. To scold and to remind. We really don’t elect Presidents because we think they’re strong executive material any more. Not since they started allowing those ‘other people’ to vote. No, not the blacks. The women. They ruined everything.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex December 11, 2014 @ 8:27 AM
Ever since Not North Korea hacked into Sony Pictures emails, we’ve learned more about Hollywood than the entire history of tell-all books and scathing magazines articles and memoirs. Turns out, Hollywood is a petty place with petty people piling cash into Obama fundraisers so they can stand with Gwyneth Paltrow and gush and pretend they don’t check the silverware after any black persons spends the night. In his article in the Hollywood Reporter on race in the industry, Chris Rock alluded to the type of less blatant racism that pervades the upper echelons of the movie business. I think he meant shit like this leaked email exchange between Sony Chief Amy Pascal and mega-producer Scott Rudin:
Pascal asked Rudin for advice before going to an Obama fundraiser hosted by DreamWorks Animation head Jeffrey Katzenberg, particularly what she should ask the President “at this stupid Jeffrey breakfast.”
“Would he like to finance some movies,” responded Rudin.
“I doubt it. Should I ask him if he liked DJANGO?” said Pascal, with Rudin replying “12 YEARS.”
“Or the butler. Or think like a man?” continued Pascal, who is a major donor for the Democratic party and President Obama.
“Ride-along. I bet he likes Kevin Hart,” said Rudin.
Oh, but we are hilarious. How our private bigotry amuses us so.
The real obstacle to equality is the connected pumpkinheads in New York and Los Angeles who herald the progressive agenda while being elitists with a ACLU supporting cover story and a photo of themselves lunching with Michelle on the mantle. At least Alec Baldwin had the cajones and BAC to yell ‘cocksucking faggot’ at a photographer right out in public. A pox on all your Malibu houses. Hug a black dude today and tell him you’re sorry. It’s the least you can do.
Photo credit: Still from Hollywood Shuffle
By Lex December 01, 2014 @ 9:51 AM
Blindly partisan politics is like watching Eagles fans throw punches at Giants fans but without the sensory treat of fleshy jowls reverberating or ruddy wives trying to break shit up with curse words you haven’t heard since the 50′s. It drives Congressional staffers to write shit about the Obama girls looking like tarts because they’re wearing skirts and looking bored to shit at another one of dad’s lame ass produced press functions.
“Try showing a little class. At least respect the part you play. Then again, your mother and father don’t respect their positions very much, or the nation for that matter. So I’m guessing you’re coming up a little short in the ‘good role model’ department. Nevertheless, stretch yourself. Rise to the occasion. Act like being in the White House matters to you. Dress like you deserve respect, not a spot at a bar.”
– Elizabeth Lauten, spokeswoman for Congressman Stephen Fincher.
The Obama girls showing leg is what is consuming your Congressional agenda at the moment? Even I can’t pick on the Obama girls. What the fuck have they done? Do you think living in the White House matters to them or they’d rather be like other teen girls covering the stink of cheap weed during sleepovers and debating which gay Jonas brother would be straight for them. Being the Presidential kids sucks. Shackled kids in Bangkok sex tourism lean-to’s keep themselves sane by imagining how much worse it’d be to be the Obama kids. Some day, these kids will do some stupid shit worth panning. Stop calling girls bar trash because you have some reflexive hate for the Handsomest President ever.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Matt November 19, 2014 @ 6:30 AM
Jonathan Gruber is one of those academics who thinks everyone outside of MIT is a retard because they have jobs like construction and stocking grocery store shelves and things he knows only as Industry Codes. Arrogant fuckers like Gurber were bullied growing up, but never really had the pomposity beaten out of them. Gruber’s come to public attention of late bragging about misleading the American voters as to the fact that ObamaCare is basically a tax on healthy people to pay for sick people because the voters are simply too stupid to know that’s a good thing in his opinion. Everybody who works for or wants a job with FoxNews went and dug up video of Obama talking about what a policy genius the scheming sack of shit Gruber is.
Gruber fancies himself a Lex Luther type who toys with the masses from his shady lair. In reality he’s just another dorky cog in the system who gets carried away with a little political power. He also helped pen Massachusetts’ health care laws, of which he said the:
“Smart people of Massachusetts basically figured out a way to sort of rip off the feds for about $400 million a year.”
I’m not sure of this guy’s end game but maybe people in government should stop hanging out with him. Or the President could teach him how to lie before you go around talking about the rim jobs you’ve performed for him. Gruber is almost ballsy enough to be likable if the topic at hand wasn’t emblazoned on my tax documents. Obama, while you’re working on this end of term Executive Orders, how about you whip one up that buries Gruber alive in the Atlantic. On your last day in office you can pardon yourself. It’d be pretty cynical, but you can leave office saying you did something.
(This isn’t a partisan hack issue. All Presidents and politicians have accomplices like Gruber who do this calculated lying to get public support for things the public isn’t naturally behind.)
By Matt November 06, 2014 @ 6:21 AM
Barack Obama responded to Michael Jordan’s assertion that he is a “shitty golfer” by bringing up the fact Jordan sucks as his job of running the Charlotte Hornets. For a competitive psycho like Jordan this is equivalent to spitting on your father’s grave. Asked about Jordan’s comments Obama took a dig, and then got insecure and defensive:
“He might want to spend more time thinking about the Bobcats … or the Hornets… But there is no doubt that Michael is a better golfer than I am. Of course if I was playing twice a day for the last 15 years, then that might not be the case.”
Obama is right. Jordan sucks at his job precisely because he plays way too much golf. Conversely, critics say the same about Obama. What is it about guys and golf? Your driver isn’t an extension of your dick. Now that Obama has nothing to do for the next two years, look for him to up his hours spent on the course. It’s a game where you compete against yourself and your success or failure is yours alone. This lack of accountability is why they both love it. Although the day we start speaking Chinese I have money on Charlotte to be NBA Champs.
Photo Credit: Twitter