The Government Knows You’re Stupid (VIDEO)

By Matt November 19, 2014 @ 6:30 AM

Jonathan Gruber is one of those academics who thinks everyone outside of MIT is a retard because they have jobs like construction and stocking grocery store shelves and things he knows only as Industry Codes. Arrogant fuckers like Gurber were bullied growing up, but never really had the pomposity beaten out of them. Gruber’s come to public attention of late bragging about misleading the American voters as to the fact that ObamaCare is basically a tax on healthy people to pay for sick people because the voters are simply too stupid to know that’s a good thing in his opinion. Everybody who works for or wants a job with FoxNews went and dug up video of Obama talking about what a policy genius the scheming sack of shit Gruber is.

Gruber fancies himself a Lex Luther type who toys with the masses from his shady lair. In reality he’s just another dorky cog in the system who gets carried away with a little political power. He also helped pen Massachusetts’ health care laws, of which he said the:

“Smart people of Massachusetts basically figured out a way to sort of rip off the feds for about $400 million a year.”

I’m not sure of this guy’s end game but maybe people in government should stop hanging out with him. Or the President could teach him how to lie before you go around talking about the rim jobs you’ve performed for him. Gruber is almost ballsy enough to be likable if the topic at hand wasn’t emblazoned on my tax documents. Obama, while you’re working on this end of term Executive Orders, how about you whip one up that buries Gruber alive in the Atlantic. On your last day in office you can pardon yourself. It’d be pretty cynical, but you can leave office saying you did something. 

(This isn’t a partisan hack issue. All Presidents and politicians have accomplices like Gruber who do this calculated lying to get public support for things the public isn’t naturally behind.)

Obama Casts Shade or Some Shit on Michael Jordan

By Matt November 06, 2014 @ 6:21 AM

Barry

Barack Obama responded to Michael Jordan’s assertion that he is a “shitty golfer” by bringing up the fact Jordan sucks as his job of running the Charlotte Hornets. For a competitive psycho like Jordan this is equivalent to spitting on your father’s grave. Asked about Jordan’s comments Obama took a dig, and then got insecure and defensive:

“He might want to spend more time thinking about the Bobcats … or the Hornets… But there is no doubt that Michael is a better golfer than I am. Of course if I was playing twice a day for the last 15 years, then that might not be the case.”

Obama is right. Jordan sucks at his job precisely because he plays way too much golf. Conversely, critics say the same about Obama. What is it about guys and golf? Your driver isn’t an extension of your dick. Now that Obama has nothing to do for the next two years, look for him to up his hours spent on the course. It’s a game where you compete against yourself and your success or failure is yours alone. This lack of accountability is why they both love it. Although the day we start speaking Chinese I have money on Charlotte to be NBA Champs.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Obama and Gwyneth Paltrow To Join Wonder Twin Powers at Rush Hour

By Lex October 09, 2014 @ 1:48 PM

Obama-Visiting-Paltrow-Residence

Right about the time L.A. traffic gets super fucking horrible today, President Obama is going to make it truly memorably by hitting up the Gwyneth Paltrow Goop House West to discuss matters related to ISIS, the prevailing long term bond rates, and any possible Danish salves that might help his lady be more ready for him without the need for foreplay. I can’t imagine a place I’d rather be than a get together with Barack and Gwyneth and one hundred of their self-satisfied and decked out friends racing to slap Ben Affleck on the back for defending killer Muslims from being labeled as killer Muslims. That is if Jennifer Garner allows the contact.

I’d never suggest anything bad happen to the President of the United States. It’s illegal to even think about stuff like that. They will Minority Report your ass right down to Guantanamo. Same thing goes for Gwyneth Paltrow who has been designated a national landmark or treasure or ex-patriot whiny halibut or something like that. Gwyneth has been trying desperately to be in the news since she uncoupled with her husband and he started coupling with that hot topless chick from all those 4Chan photos. I wish all of them nothing but a wonderful evening. At the same time, if I send over a horribly feverish recent immigrant from Sierra Leone with flowers for the party, please let him in to use the toilet.

The Secret Service Is Gonna Get Obama Killed

By Matt October 01, 2014 @ 6:36 AM

Obama

The Secret Service has taken a bad rap in recent years for banging prostitutes and getting wasted and not shooting Justin Bieber and burying him quietly in the Mojave desert. In recent weeks, knife wielding crazies seem to be trespassing into the White House with about as much difficulty as sneaking into a high school kegger. It’s possible the bell rang at Secret Service class before the teacher could answer, ‘And then what do we do if somebody climbs over the fence?’

A new report states the President rode an elevator earlier this month with an armed security contractor with three criminal convictions who was antagonizing the President and his entourage with his cell phone camera. People with criminal convictions are not supposed to be anywhere near the President, unless of course they’re members of his cabinet or Congressmen visiting from The Hill. And I’m pretty sure that rule goes double for convicted criminals carrying concealed hand guns.

It’s unclear how the Secret Service allowed this guy to share an elevator ride with the Commander in Chief. Maybe he slipped one of the agents some Taylor Swift tickets for his daughter in exchange for the once in a lifetime experience of going up and down with Barack. The President has to be a bit concerned with how poorly his human shield is protecting him these days. If I were Obama I’d swear in a a band of trained ninjas to shadow me in case my first line of defense starts tipping sizzurp and falling asleep on watch again. These wackadoos trying to get Obama might slip past a few hungover Federal agents, but they’re not surviving the throwing stars and blow guns.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Malia Obama Topless! Fuck You, I’m Kidding, Obama, Don’t Drone Me

By Lex July 15, 2014 @ 10:08 AM

Malia-Obama-in-Ireland

I didn’t expect the Hollywood photo agencies to fold like my grandma playing poker at the Fremont when they got shots of Malia Obama at a celebrity hangout in Venice wearing what has been described as ‘grown up’ clothing. Malia’s in Hollywood this summer pretending to intern for Halle Berry on her new TV show. Sweet gig if you can get it. When Obama staffers got wind of the photos, they dialed the AKM-GSI photo agency and insisted they remove the photos and triple erase their hard-drives containing any of the media. The Obamas claimed privilege on a deal they have with photo agencies to never show pictures of their daughters without their dad. That doesn’t sound like a deal so much as a polite request from the guy who is besties with the IRS Chief.

Many people are citing the the longstanding tradition of the press excluding the First Kids from their news coverage. I guess like the tradition of Presidential kids interning for Halle Berry and putting on tight tank tops to hit the trendy bars in Venice. Outside of their ability to fly missile loaded drones over your house, I’m not sure how the Obamas are different than any other celebrity family. When the offspring put themselves in the spotlight, we report. I mean, not me, I’m not a fucking legitimate reporter. I’ m just a guy who wants to see Malia Obama in a tight top because that’s sick and wrong and you’re thinking the exact same thing.

In Europe, the press give great deference to their royals and leaders. If you publish an embarrassing photo of the royals, they still guillotine off your head and/or sue you in the Hague for eleven Euros. Thirty-seven thousand people were rounded up and shot when those Kate Middleton topless pictures got posted. God forbid anyone should see the sacred flapjacks of the future monarch. But we’re not supposed to do that here in America. This is the land of commoner governance. If the Obamas don’t want to see photos of their teen daughter dressed overly mature coming out of a celebrity hangout in Hollywood, maybe don’t have your teen daughter dressed overly mature coming out of a celebrity hangout in Hollywood. Fuck, you’re the Commander in Chief, you can handle a cranky teen daughter in the White House whining about being bored. I feel bad for Malia. She didn’t choose this life in the gilded cage. But lock this shit down and stop waving around your nuclear football finger to control the press. I don’t remember all the Amendments, but like most Americans I do remember the first one.

Photo credit: Splash News

North Korea Calls Obama A ‘Crossbreed Monkey Who Should Live in Africa’

By Lex May 08, 2014 @ 12:53 PM

North-Korean-Patriotic-Celebration

The Korean Central News Agency, the official press arm of the North Korean government, has been trying to boost sagging subscription numbers with some rather epic racist rants in their little newspaper. They’ve got columnists calling out other world leaders for being, in their words, homos and prostitutes and whores, only they used the local slang so nobody outside Korean would notice so much. On Obama’s recent tour of Asia, they took a turn at the U.S. President, calling him a ‘wicked black monkey’ and comparing him to a primate in his appearance:

…it would be perfect for Obama to live with a group of monkeys in the world’s largest African natural zoo and lick the bread crumbs thrown by spectators.

Later on I think they compared him to Curious George and told him to hold balloons and fly over New York. Some race baiters just don’t know when they’ve taken an analogy too far. North Korean voodoo political philosophy is in large part based on their view of being racially pure super-beings. Like most over the top racists, they’re dead broke with fucked up teeth sitting on their broken porch with a couple old guns pointed at the world. It’s doubtful Obama will publicly respond to this obviously provocative nonsense, but after Magic Johnson has some time to reflect on Twitter, I would expect Adam Silver to move quickly and urge the Board of Governors to strip North Korea of their NBA franchise.