By Lex January 06, 2016 @ 11:15 AM
President Obama cried real human tears while pretending to be decisive in executive ordering some limp restrictions on the sale of guns that affects neither the law abiding gun buyers or the criminals, but received wonderful applause in the room. The waterworks opened up when the President was referring to the dead children tragically killed by mentally disturbed young adults given weapons by their mom when TV no longer babysits. Supporters note that Obama’s real tears display how he feels the pain of his constituents. Detractors called him a pussy.
The problem with being a sobbing President is you can’t just do it once in a while. Then you look like only certain tragedies concern you. You don’t sob on camera every year when school reports indicates our children are now less educationally proficient than slave kids in Mali. Or even when County Health employees are gunned down in San Bernadino by Islamic extremists with guns your Executive Order will have zero implication on buying yet again.
I don’t like partisan politics. It’s like hockey. A fourth sport at best. I’ll pay attention every now and then when there’s a big fight. And I don’t like when men cry in public. It just makes everybody uncomfortable. When the President cries, it makes people super uncomfortable save for Putin who tugs one out topless on horseback while shooting a musk ox closed range with a sawed off shotgun.
You should feel bad about kids dying. Most especially when you’re conning everybody into thinking you’re helping to stop it. There are 100 crazy white dudes and 1,000 crazy Muslim dudes out there right now plotting to kill more innocent Americans. Gun show loophole closings are a wonderful step toward doing nothing. Get those murderous fuckers in cuffs and you’ll see a serious drop in first grader death by outlier asshole. There’s no crying in the White House.
By Lex August 17, 2015 @ 8:37 AM
President Obama shared his Spotify playlist nobody asked for after it was carefully vetted by pollsters and consultants and found to be the most broadly acceptable set of classic radio play music. Coldplay, Rolling Stones, Tempations, Justin Timberlake, and Beyonce, just to name a few bands with 20 million plus followers on social media. Either Obama has tons of free time to jigger his music playlsts or this is all contrived bullshit. I’m still rocking Hilary Clinton’s Spotify list fine tuned for making sweet dry vagina love to Anthony Weiner’s wife. I’m holding off on any major music purchases until Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio release their ten best songs to listen to while pretending Florida is awesome. Somebody, make it stop. I hope Trump says ‘fuck you’ when they ask him for his Spotify list. I bang whores and fleece creditors to old recordings of Paul Harvey’s amusing anecdotes. The only acceptable reason to care what music other people listen to past middle school age is when you want to impress a girl you’re after and shamelessly tell her Adele really speaks to you. As a bonus, if you imagine Adele eating a pastrami Reuben while fucking this girl, you will last five minutes longer.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex July 29, 2015 @ 10:37 AM
The Kenyan people have a natural affinity for President Obama, so they put out the welcome wagon big time for his arrival and tour of all the great things going on in Kenya not related to the Islamic terrorism, corruption, starvation, and not winning a major Marathon in almost three Marathons. The country’s Christian clergy were not so impressed. Ministers representing some ten million practicing Christian Kenyans got together and wrote a note to Obama to tell him to shut the fuck up about Kenya needing to be go big on the gay like the U.S.
“We do not want him to come and talk on homosexuality in Kenya or push us to accepting that which is against our faith and culture. Let him talk about development; let him talk about cooperation; let him talk about the long-time relationship Kenya has had with America. But about our beliefs and culture– keep off!”
Given all the mortal problems plaguing the world’s shittiest continent, it seems a trifle out of order to make ant-gay biblical shit such a focus of your letter writing campaigns. Still, there is something to be said for not coming to my house and telling me how to live. It’s still illegal to be openly gay in Kenya as it is in most African countries where colorful wardrobes and The AIDS run rampant nevertheless. Maybe we agree that you don’t imprison dudes for fucking each other up the ass and we keep the malaria drugs and maize freely flowing? Spit and shake hands. Wait, let’s just raise our palms from a distance in the tradition of the Watusi. You can’t preach gay rights if you’re dead.
Photo credit: GettyImages
By Lex June 22, 2015 @ 9:55 AM
Obama went on Marc Maron’s WTF podcast to seem relatable and become the first sitting President to publicly utter the word nigger. In discussing the shooting in Charleston, Obama mentioned on the podcast that progress in racial relations was more than ‘outcry over ‘people using the word nigger in public’. CNN and others breathlessly clipped the quote then bleeped and struck it out because you can’t properly discuss the impact of a word without first making sure nobody ever hears or sees it.
Obama halts ten seconds between each word so you know he chooses them carefully. This didn’t just slip out. This was his emphasis on appearing serious about race in America. Either that or he owns a piece of Maron’s podcast and wanted to blister the downloads. This monumental moment in the history of the N-Word is mitigated slightly by the fact the President and his cadre of appropriate minders have helped fuel the very political correctness wave that has prevented an open and honest discussion of racism in the first place. Narrowing free speech and debate have punched social and intellectual progress in the nuts. Politicians get ousted, teachers get fired, public figures get reamed in all forums if anybody dares speak frankly and starkly. Bonus points to you Barack for putting on the big boy pants. But if you’re going to continue to shit them, you might as well stick to the rubber trainers.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Matt May 19, 2015 @ 6:19 AM
President Obama has signed up for Twitter six and a half years into his presidency and is even considering tackling some of his campaign promises. He currently has 851,000 followers and is rumored to be super jealous of Katy Perry. So far he has sent out one tweet which announced that he started the account and will be spending a lot of time on his laptop. I’m pretty sure the whole thing is a ruse to up his porn game. His Twitter bio reads:
“Dad, husband, and 44th President of the United States.”
I think you fucked up the order Barry. If we’re talking priorities I really don’t give a shit how well you fuck your wife or how often you sit down for dinner with the kids. You’ve got a country to run for eighteen more months and should be trolling ISIS accounts on Twitter and dropping screeds. Obama is following the Bulls, White Sox, and Blackhawks as well as many members of his cabinet and former presidents Bush and Clinton. He is not following Hillary Clinton which has raised some eyebrows and people are hypothesizing that even political hacks are now starting to measure each other on social media. I look forward to the POTUS dick pics he thought got erased on Snapchat. This can only get even more uninteresting. Let the fat shaming begin.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex April 10, 2015 @ 10:23 AM
I was on the fence with this whole environmental debate until President Obama shared the tale of how global warming attacked his daughter. You don’t come after a man’s family, not when he has a microphone and an unquestioning audience.
Well you know Malia had asthma when she was 4 and because we had good health insurance, we were able to knock it out early. And if we can make sure that our responses to the environment are reducing those incidents, that’s something that I think every parent would wish for…”
Obama tied together hot temperatures, more wildfires and longer allergy seasons to more asthma. Also, how the same environmental impact caused his March Madness bracket to be so shitty and UVA frat boys to incessantly rape coeds. Obama went on to share a dubious story about how he was a college student in Los Angeles in 1979 and how his lungs would burn after five minutes of jogging due to particulate matter in no way related to his two packs a day habit. The only valid response is to convene a White House Summit on Climate Change, similar to the White House Summit on Global Warming, but different enough that new napkins had to be ordered. Summit sounds more lofty than Expensive Gathering in D.C. To the Benefit of Hotel Bar Hookers. Head will be given on the second floor as the Potomac is rising an eighth of an inch each decade. If you think of a polar bear cub crying when you spew, the entire junket is tax deductible.
Photo credit: Getty Images