Bobbi Kristina Encircled in Love

By Lex June 29, 2015 @ 12:42 PM

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Bobbi Kristina Brown’s family surrounded her in her hospice facility where she is fading out to a better elsewhere. The family is biding their time with Jumble puzzles and subtly mentioning that maybe the lawyer guy could read the will soonish as they all have plans for the Fourth. Bobby Brown’s nephew Shayne took time from his schedule of radio appearances sold on dishing Bobbi Kristina’s condition to bring comfort to the bereaved. Medical science remains unclear as to whether somebody in Bobbi Kristina’s condition can sense the voices and presences of those surrounding her. If you believe she can, you owe it to her to dress up as a hospice nurse and work your way to her bedside with a pillow. Ten years from now you’ll hear a thumping on your bedroom wall that is Morse code for Bless You.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Bobbi Kristina’s Fable Coming to an End

By Lex June 24, 2015 @ 1:01 PM

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Horrible people doom their kids to lives of misery all the time. It serves us well to be reminded of this when it happens to famous people. Bobbi Kristina Brown’s drug encrusted family is finally pulling the plug on her life support, their strategies in place for going after her inheritance once her heart officially stops. It’ll cascade on down from the Whitney Houston recording dollars to an uncle who ends up peddling her last soiled hospital gown on eBay. Nobody forced Bobbi Kristina to funnel cocaine and Xanax and booze into her veins. All the same, we ought to see how long Bobby Brown can hold his breath under water. Wait until he stops kicking then count off another thirty. This is for the record books.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Bobbi Kristina Ghoul Pool Warming Up

By Lex March 03, 2015 @ 11:33 AM

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Bobbi Kristina isn’t heading into the afterlife without the assistance of those who helped her get there. Bobby Brown’s sisters are filming a reality show about their experiences suffering through their niece’s drowning and coma. You can’t imagine their anguish. Especially when they learned they’re not getting any of Bobbi’s twenty million. Her will calls for the Whitney inherited cash to revert back to the Houston family in the event Bobbi followed in her mom’s bath time rituals. Everybody deserves a taste of the corpse. This is probably the time to peruse the omnipresent book of loss, Why Bad Things Happen to Good People While Good Things Happen to Total Shitstains. It explains God’s sense of humor and why Jesus won’t hold you accountable in the event your truck rams into the motel room where Bobbi’s aunts are filming. Check the index. It’s in there.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Bobbi Kristina Parented to Death

By Lex February 05, 2015 @ 11:35 AM

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When you’re in a family that lies incessantly about drug use, they seem to get even worse. The sole offspring of two self-obsessed snorting and smoking entertainers never stood a chance. It’s one thing when some weak willed adult picks up the pipe to face down their imagined burdens. It’s another when a kid is raised on them by fucked up parents who crave rock and fame over comforting their own child. Nobody put a gun to her head and told her to fuck around with shit that will cause your heart to stop in the bathtub. They just told her it was her super happy baby food and momma would be back next Tuesday covered in vomit to unlock her from her room. Now it’s time she was unplugged and let go into her inevitable. At the after party I’d love to watch a game of Russian roulette between parents who think it’s modern to share drug dealers with their kids.

Photo credit: Splash News

Bobbi Kristina Never Had a Chance

By Lex February 02, 2015 @ 12:54 PM

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Being the kid of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown is like winning the lottery where you get money but everything else in your life is supremely fucked up forever more. So, just like the regular lottery. Just for kicks, the authorities are calling Bobbi Kristina face down in a tub a cardiac arrest. Thirty-seven interested parties have quickly come out to claim there were no drugs involved. Thirty-six of these people said the same thing when Whitney Houston was found cocained to the bottom of the Hilton tub in 2012. The thirty-seventh is the drug dealer who sold to both Whitney and her daughter. It’s not that 21-year old girls don’t just routinely have heart attacks when taking their 10 am baths, it’s just that they don’t.

Photo credit: Splash News

Bobbi Kristina Brown’s Brother Husband Says Fatties Need to Stop Hating

By Lex March 12, 2014 @ 2:17 PM

Bobbi Kristina Brown Looking Skinny In A Bikini
Bobbi Kristina Brown wants everybody who’s worried about her to take a chill pill. She has a couple in her purse if you don’t have your own. She says she just takes after her mother, Whitney Houston. That ought to ease health concerns. She was talking specifically about critcisms that she looks too skinny in recent bikini pictures she was forced to post online by the guy who looks like Thundarr the Barbarian who visits her during her psychedelic journeys.

I am my mothers child ! Have you ever heard of a #fastmetabolism? Damn, lol it’s incredible how the world will judge you 4ANY&EVERYthing.

By fast metabolism, I think she’s referring to Whitney eating only crack with diet chocolate sprinkles after 9am. Still all caps is all caps and ought be respected.

Bobbi’s new husband and sort of kind of her brother by adoption, Nick Gordon, felt obliged to take time away from his jam packed schedule of video games and nail biting to back his woman:

My baby is perfect the way she is. Y’all reporters on my shit can suck my dick. MADD cuz your bitch is a 400 pounder.

Nick’s got a point. As long as he’s not breaking his sister-wife’s bones when he’s railing her in a stupor, whose business is it if she’s skinny like her dead mom. You have to admire a man who rushes to the defense of his lady. Just thinking about the touching English language challenged poetry he’s going to recite at her funeral has me misty.

Photo Credit: Bobbi Kristina / Twitter