Bobbi Kristina Brown Passes

By Lex July 27, 2015 @ 9:34 AM


Bobbi Kristina Brown passed away at twenty-two after six months in a coma, surrounded by her close friends and family, more commonly known as her killers. Normally you might blame a junkie for their their own damn bath tub drowning, but when an infant is handed a crack pipe in the place of a pacifier by her fucked up parents, you have to give a little nod to the role of ill-fate in her demise. Nobody around her will ever be punished save for having to live their lives as fucked up, selfish shifty assholes, which isn’t as bad as it sounds when self-awareness is absent. Maybe ghosts are real and Bobbi Kristina will haunt the shit out of the fuckers in her family who now vulture up to her inheritance in cash and real property. Though most likely we’ll have to wait until they all kill themselves through negligence and stupidity. The media will call it a family curse, but deep down, we’ll all know it was just relentless assholery. Now would be a good time for Amazing Grace and a drone strike.

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Bobbi Kristina Encircled in Love

By Lex June 29, 2015 @ 12:42 PM

Bobbi Kristina Brown’s family surrounded her in her hospice facility where she is fading out to a better elsewhere. The family is biding their time with Jumble puzzles and subtly mentioning that maybe the lawyer guy could read the will soonish as they all have plans for the Fourth. Bobby Brown’s nephew Shayne took time from his schedule of radio appearances sold on dishing Bobbi Kristina’s condition to bring comfort to the bereaved. Medical science remains unclear as to whether somebody in Bobbi Kristina’s condition can sense the voices and presences of those surrounding her. If you believe she can, you owe it to her to dress up as a hospice nurse and work your way to her bedside with a pillow. Ten years from now you’ll hear a thumping on your bedroom wall that is Morse code for Bless You.

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Bobbi Kristina’s Fable Coming to an End

By Lex June 24, 2015 @ 1:01 PM

Horrible people doom their kids to lives of misery all the time. It serves us well to be reminded of this when it happens to famous people. Bobbi Kristina Brown’s drug encrusted family is finally pulling the plug on her life support, their strategies in place for going after her inheritance once her heart officially stops. It’ll cascade on down from the Whitney Houston recording dollars to an uncle who ends up peddling her last soiled hospital gown on eBay. Nobody forced Bobbi Kristina to funnel cocaine and Xanax and booze into her veins. All the same, we ought to see how long Bobby Brown can hold his breath under water. Wait until he stops kicking then count off another thirty. This is for the record books.

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Bobbi Kristina Ghoul Pool Warming Up

By Lex March 03, 2015 @ 11:33 AM


Bobbi Kristina isn’t heading into the afterlife without the assistance of those who helped her get there. Bobby Brown’s sisters are filming a reality show about their experiences suffering through their niece’s drowning and coma. You can’t imagine their anguish. Especially when they learned they’re not getting any of Bobbi’s twenty million. Her will calls for the Whitney inherited cash to revert back to the Houston family in the event Bobbi followed in her mom’s bath time rituals. Everybody deserves a taste of the corpse. This is probably the time to peruse the omnipresent book of loss, Why Bad Things Happen to Good People While Good Things Happen to Total Shitstains. It explains God’s sense of humor and why Jesus won’t hold you accountable in the event your truck rams into the motel room where Bobbi’s aunts are filming. Check the index. It’s in there.

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Bobbi Kristina Parented to Death

By Lex February 05, 2015 @ 11:35 AM


When you’re in a family that lies incessantly about drug use, they seem to get even worse. The sole offspring of two self-obsessed snorting and smoking entertainers never stood a chance. It’s one thing when some weak willed adult picks up the pipe to face down their imagined burdens. It’s another when a kid is raised on them by fucked up parents who crave rock and fame over comforting their own child. Nobody put a gun to her head and told her to fuck around with shit that will cause your heart to stop in the bathtub. They just told her it was her super happy baby food and momma would be back next Tuesday covered in vomit to unlock her from her room. Now it’s time she was unplugged and let go into her inevitable. At the after party I’d love to watch a game of Russian roulette between parents who think it’s modern to share drug dealers with their kids.

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Bobbi Kristina Never Had a Chance

By Lex February 02, 2015 @ 12:54 PM


Being the kid of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown is like winning the lottery where you get money but everything else in your life is supremely fucked up forever more. So, just like the regular lottery. Just for kicks, the authorities are calling Bobbi Kristina face down in a tub a cardiac arrest. Thirty-seven interested parties have quickly come out to claim there were no drugs involved. Thirty-six of these people said the same thing when Whitney Houston was found cocained to the bottom of the Hilton tub in 2012. The thirty-seventh is the drug dealer who sold to both Whitney and her daughter. It’s not that 21-year old girls don’t just routinely have heart attacks when taking their 10 am baths, it’s just that they don’t.

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