Bobbi Kristina Ghoul Pool Warming Up

By Lex March 03, 2015 @ 11:33 AM

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Bobbi Kristina isn’t heading into the afterlife without the assistance of those who helped her get there. Bobby Brown’s sisters are filming a reality show about their experiences suffering through their niece’s drowning and coma. You can’t imagine their anguish. Especially when they learned they’re not getting any of Bobbi’s twenty million. Her will calls for the Whitney inherited cash to revert back to the Houston family in the event Bobbi followed in her mom’s bath time rituals. Everybody deserves a taste of the corpse. This is probably the time to peruse the omnipresent book of loss, Why Bad Things Happen to Good People While Good Things Happen to Total Shitstains. It explains God’s sense of humor and why Jesus won’t hold you accountable in the event your truck rams into the motel room where Bobbi’s aunts are filming. Check the index. It’s in there.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Bobbi Kristina Parented to Death

By Lex February 05, 2015 @ 11:35 AM

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When you’re in a family that lies incessantly about drug use, they seem to get even worse. The sole offspring of two self-obsessed snorting and smoking entertainers never stood a chance. It’s one thing when some weak willed adult picks up the pipe to face down their imagined burdens. It’s another when a kid is raised on them by fucked up parents who crave rock and fame over comforting their own child. Nobody put a gun to her head and told her to fuck around with shit that will cause your heart to stop in the bathtub. They just told her it was her super happy baby food and momma would be back next Tuesday covered in vomit to unlock her from her room. Now it’s time she was unplugged and let go into her inevitable. At the after party I’d love to watch a game of Russian roulette between parents who think it’s modern to share drug dealers with their kids.

Photo credit: Splash News

Bobbi Kristina Never Had a Chance

By Lex February 02, 2015 @ 12:54 PM

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Being the kid of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown is like winning the lottery where you get money but everything else in your life is supremely fucked up forever more. So, just like the regular lottery. Just for kicks, the authorities are calling Bobbi Kristina face down in a tub a cardiac arrest. Thirty-seven interested parties have quickly come out to claim there were no drugs involved. Thirty-six of these people said the same thing when Whitney Houston was found cocained to the bottom of the Hilton tub in 2012. The thirty-seventh is the drug dealer who sold to both Whitney and her daughter. It’s not that 21-year old girls don’t just routinely have heart attacks when taking their 10 am baths, it’s just that they don’t.

Photo credit: Splash News

Bobbi Kristina Brown’s Brother Husband Says Fatties Need to Stop Hating

By Lex March 12, 2014 @ 2:17 PM

Bobbi Kristina Brown Looking Skinny In A Bikini
Bobbi Kristina Brown wants everybody who’s worried about her to take a chill pill. She has a couple in her purse if you don’t have your own. She says she just takes after her mother, Whitney Houston. That ought to ease health concerns. She was talking specifically about critcisms that she looks too skinny in recent bikini pictures she was forced to post online by the guy who looks like Thundarr the Barbarian who visits her during her psychedelic journeys.

I am my mothers child ! Have you ever heard of a #fastmetabolism? Damn, lol it’s incredible how the world will judge you 4ANY&EVERYthing.

By fast metabolism, I think she’s referring to Whitney eating only crack with diet chocolate sprinkles after 9am. Still all caps is all caps and ought be respected.

Bobbi’s new husband and sort of kind of her brother by adoption, Nick Gordon, felt obliged to take time away from his jam packed schedule of video games and nail biting to back his woman:

My baby is perfect the way she is. Y’all reporters on my shit can suck my dick. MADD cuz your bitch is a 400 pounder.

Nick’s got a point. As long as he’s not breaking his sister-wife’s bones when he’s railing her in a stupor, whose business is it if she’s skinny like her dead mom. You have to admire a man who rushes to the defense of his lady. Just thinking about the touching English language challenged poetry he’s going to recite at her funeral has me misty.

Photo Credit: Bobbi Kristina / Twitter

Bobbi Kristina is marrying her “adopted brother”

By brendon October 11, 2012 @ 1:16 PM

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Whitney Houston believed the children were our future, teach them well and something something, but not if you’re a drug addict. Crack heads shouldn’t be teaching the children a god damn thing. But Whitney did and now her daughter Bobbi Kristina is a gap toothed idiot too.

Example: in this clip from A&E’s upcoming ‘The Houstons: On Our Own’, Kristina (19) confirms that she is engaged to Nick Gordon (22), and while his past is a bit of a mystery, we do know he was unofficially adopted by Houston when he was young and raised alongside Bobbi. So she’s essentially marrying (and fucking) her step-brother. Hot, right?

So I guess recording your step-sister in the shower and masturbating to it isn’t so weird after all, and my dad owes me an apology.

(image source = fame/flynet)

Whitney Houstons daughter got a WH tat

By brendon August 09, 2012 @ 4:31 PM

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Bobbi Kristina and her pussy-whipped boyfriend went out last night and got some tattoos of doves and “WH” on their wrists in honor of today, Whitney Houston’s 49th birthday. Bobbi tweeted:

“Once it hits 12 am mommy it’s your birthday & I am going2celebrate it2thee fullest!
Bc YOU deserve it damn it, YOU deaerveNothingburtheBEST!”

Well, Whitney may or may not deaerve Nothing bur the BEST, but it’s actually not her birthday because she overdosed on drugs and now she’s dead. Does Bobbi not remember that? It was in all the papers. “BTW, I kEEpz callin U. Y U no pik up?”