CONAN O’BRIEN - is close to signing a 40 million dollar settlement with NBC to walk away from the Tonight Show, but as part of the deal he can’t insult NBC any more. If he does continue to make fun of them, NBC swears to God it’ll tell the teacher and then Conan is gonna be in so much trouble. (wsj)
BRITNEY SPEARS - might be crazy again, and her dad is threatening to send her back to a mental ward. Unfortunately his thick accent made “mental ward” sound like “menaward”, so Britney was sent to the GQ Mens Award show. That probably won’t help. (national enquirer)
KIM KARDASHIAN - shot down a rumor that she would get engaged to Reggie Bush if the New Orleans Saints won the Super Bowl, but the Minnesota Vikings insist it’s true. “That bitch is lying,” they said. “Reggie should stay out in LA and follow her around all night if that’s what it takes.” (us.com)
BAM MARGERA - is doing porn now. Or something. I’ll be honest I got as far as “Porn” and “Bam Mar…” before getting disgusted. (foundry)
LEONARDO DICAPRIO - is back together with Bar Refaeli apparently, because they went to a Laker game last night. I didn’t even know they had broken up. What else have you been hiding from me you son of a bitch! (splash news online)
Last night David Letterman read some quotes from Dick Ebersol, who has been an exec at NBC since the early 70‘s and head of NBC Sports since 1989. He’s mostly known as a fuckup who doesn’t have any sports in his sports department. Under him NBC lost NASCAR, the NBA, MLB, and just a few months ago lost all college football bowl games until at least 2015. The NFL had been on NBC since 1939, but he lost them in 1997 when the AFC moved to CBS.
His notable achievements include the Olympics (NBC is expected to lose 200 million in the Winter Olympics beginning next month), the XFL (the game on March 31, 2000 was the lowest rated prime time show ever) and an exclusive contract with Notre Dame football that began in 1988. Notre Dame has been ranked in the top 10 just once since 1994, but Ebersol signed a new contract last year to renew the deal and pay them somewhere between 9-15 million a year through 2015.
So how does someone like this keep his job? By endless ass kissing of course. In an article with the tagline, “NBC’s Ebersol defends Leno and Zucker”, The New York Times says…
Referring to the pointed jokes made this week by Mr. O’Brien and David Letterman of CBS, Mr. Ebersol said it was “chicken-hearted and gutless to blame a guy you couldn’t beat in the ratings.”
He added that “what this is really all about is an astounding failure by Conan.”
“He was just stubborn about not being willing to broaden the appeal of his show … we bet on the wrong guy.”
There’s literally no one on earth less qualified to criticize Conan when it comes to his ability to get ratings and make a profitable TV show. Ebersol even created an entire channel devoted only to sports like bobsled, luge and rowing. That might be the single dumbest idea anyone, be it an individual or group, has ever had, under any context, at any time past or present on planet Earth. I wouldn’t advertise on a channel focusing on bobsleds even if I owned a company that made bobsleds AND the ads were free. Because what’s the point?
Thousands of fans (even Green Man!) gathered yesterday in New York, Chicago, Seattle and LA for “I’m With Coco” rallies, to show their support for Conan O’Brien and to tell NBC to go fuck itself. E! says…
Hundreds of O’Brien fans braved pouring rain outside The Tonight Show set, chanting “Jay Leno sucks!” as a fan dressed as Leno ran around.
O’Brien himself appeared on the roof to wave to fans, and his staff passed out pizza to the crowd below.
Fans of Jay Leno planned to hold a rally yesterday too, but most never made it out of the neighborhood as they and their feeble minds sat in their cars waiting for the stop sign to turn green. Those lucky enough to not encounter any stop signs couldn’t park in any of the nearby lots because they weren’t sharp enough to react in time when the gate lifted to let them in.
MEGAN FOX - is not engaged to Brian Austin Greene, despite weekend rumors that she was. It was all a misunderstanding. A little torture and he changed his tune just like that. (wonderwall)
AVATAR - made another 41 million this weekend, rose to third all time in US box office history (‘Titanic’ made 600M, ‘Dark Knight’ 533) and is now an absolute certainty to become the highest grossing movie ever. Another absolute certainty: I look amazing in sung fit jeans. (box office mojo)
CONAN O BRIEN - is expected to make between 30 and 40 million in his settlement with NBC. Keep in mind that NBC fired him because they might lose around 25 million in advertising compared to last year. When asked for a comment, the other networks just laughed hysterically. (variety)
MISCHA BARTON - was at work today in New York playing a prostitute on ‘Law and Order: SVU’. You can tell she’s in character here because this is way better than she normally dresses. (splash news online)
NBC must be some kind of money laundering operation because Jeff Zucker has done nothing but fuck up (graph, graph) since taking over 10 years ago (it’s in last place among the 4 networks, ratings have dropped for 8 straight years). Now reports say Zucker has been “nasty, arrogant and threatening” towards Conan, who “has acted like a baby” since NBC announced they were moving Leno back to 11:30.
But at least Leno has handled this with integrity, and you can rest assured there won’t be any clips about this from 2004 that would make him look like an asshole. Oh wait never mind.
“When I took this show over, boy there was a lot of animosity between me and Dave, and who’s gonna get it, and quite frankly, a lot of, what I thought, well good friendships were permanently damaged. And I don’t want to see anybody ever have to go through that again. Because, you know this show is like a dynasty, you hold it, and then you hand it off to the next person. And I don’t wanna see all the fighting and all the ‘who’s better’ and nasty things back and forth in the press, so right now, here it is, Conan, it’s yours, see you in 5 years buddy. Clear enough?”
It’s hard to imagine who would watch ‘the Tonight Show’ now that Leno has been exposed as the underhanded fraud that he is. I’d rather watch a show that teaches you how to get your dick caught in a zipper.
TIGER WOODS - is donating $3M in medical care and supplies to help those affected by the earthquake in Haiti, and he may give even more to a similar charity run by Wyclef Jean. In a related story, I got a new cashmere blanket and slept like a little angel last night. Actually I guess those two stories arent that related. (fox sports)
WYCLEF JEAN - Remember that story about Tiger Woods donating money to Wyclefs Jeans charity to help those affected by the earthquake in Haiti? Well it could really enrich a lot of lives, although mostly Wyclefs, because apparently he keeps most of the money for himself. (the smoking gun)
OPIE AND ANTHONY - had celebrity journalist Ian Halperin on the show this morning, and he claims he’s heard the Tiger Woods sex tape. And I don’t mean to brag, but I saw 5 new songs from Kanye, and kicked that Jessica Alba is pregnant again. Look at me everyone, I’m a journalist! (youtube)
CONAN O’BRIEN - is out to salvage what he can from the Tonight Show, so he put it up for sale on craigslist. When Leno saw the ad, he laughed really loud and clapped his hands and said how funny it was, then went behind the scenes and ordered someone to beat up Conans wife. (craigslist)
JENNIFER HAWKINS - is yet another hot Aussie model in a bikini, but unlike Lara, Megan, Erin, and Jessica, Jennifer was in Santa Monica yesterday. The fool doesn’t even know she’s fallen right into my trap. Go ahead my sweet, yell all you want, they can’t hear you in Australia.