Ginger witch Conan O’Brien was in Cuba over the weekend shooting segments for his show. This made many of my old Cuban relatives in Miami vow never to watch his show again. Which isn’t really a threat since his show is not in Spanish and comes on after 8pm.
Jennifer Lawrence was visiting Conan O’Brien and told him if she hadn’t been an actress, she would’ve liked to be a hotel maid because she likes to clean and snoop through people’s shit. She then told the tale about how recently she was given an assortment of butt plugs “as a joke” and hid them under her hotel bed. When she returned the maid had thoughtfully arranged them in a display on her night table. Ah, the old ‘gag gift’ excuse that people have been employing since the first wife ever found Ben Wa balls in her husbands sock drawer. Mostly Jennifer’s story has me once again imagining the actual horror of being a hotel maid and the shit you must find when cleaning those rooms. Yep, most of those nasty porn clips you’re watching for free online were shot in a hotel room somewhere. That BBW MILF taking a train of college studs was probably shot at the Holiday Inn you might be staying in for Christmas. Don’t be surprised to find a pair of oversized panties stuffed behind the headboard. And that’s what people are doing when there’s a camera on them. Imagine what guests are doing in the privacy of their own travel abodes. Sure, occasionally you’ll get Oscar winning actress butt plugs. But that’s like pulling a winning Lotto ticket. The rest of the time it’s spooge stained towels by way of Joel from Akron. Somebody’s got to refold that towel and put it back in the rack for the next guy to wipe his face with.
Apologizing for offensive jokes is like taking a dump in the humor sacrament. Everybody is offended by something. That can’t possibly be a standard. Conan O’Brien pulled a Tweet about the new Marvel comics superhero, Ms. Marvel, following cries of racism and disparagement of Muslims. Oh, boo fucking hoo. No, it’s not a particularly funny joke, if for no other reason than Conan’s Twitter writer didn’t know that the Ms. Marvel character is a high school girl in the new storyline. But it’s just a joke. Obama might feel a need to never use the word Muslim within ten Ramadans of the word terrorism, but comedians are supposed to be beyond the political art of cowardice. Offended people will always find a way to be offended. You know what’s truly disparaging of Muslims? Assuming they can’t take a fucking joke.
Whether she’s whoring it up with ghosts or writing songs about her vagina with her mom, Ke$ha is never short of hilariously unique and edgy stories to tell reporters and talk show hosts. And, of course, by hilarious and edgy, I mean anything that pops into her brain within seconds after thinking to herself, “Quick, say something retarded so people keep talking about you!”
Ke$ha appeared on Conan earlier this week and showed off her inner lip tattoo that reads, “Suck it”, as a message to her haters. But Conan O’Brien also asked her about her songwriting process, and she described how she writes some of her songs by turning off all the lights, taking off her shirt, lowering herself over her piano’s keys and slapping her tits on them to “just tickle the ivories”.
And then Jason Collins showed up and said, “See? This is why.”
It’s been 20 years since Jay Leno weaseled his way into hosting the Tonight Show, taking the job from David Letterman, and 2 years since he did the exact same thing to Conan O’Brien, which is why Letterman was absolutely delighted to have Conan on his show last night for the first time in 13 years.
“I’ve known Jay a long long time,” Letterman said. “We go back to the mid 70s, back in Los Angeles at the Comedy Store. Jay was always the guy — the funniest guy — he was the guy you’d go to see. He was the guy that you wished you could be more like. He was funny. He was also, uh… a bit of a brat. So then, oh you know, when this came along, I said to myself, ‘Oh yes, this is the Jay I know.’”
“Hey, mor-more like David Fretterman and Conan O’Cryin, am I right Jay!”
Will Ferrell interrupted Conan O’Brien last night to sooth the crowd with a little jazz flute, give him some much needed advice, and then to announce that Paramount has finally gotten their head out of their ass and agreed to let him do a sequel to ‘Anchorman’.
Adam McKay will direct again, Judd Apatow will produce again, and Paul Rudd, Steve Carell and David Koechner are all expected back. Christina Applegate may not return however, but not because she’s on Whore Island. Apparently that’s not a real place, unless you count Australia.