Of all the carbon copy female pop stars that have come and gone, Demi Lovato has always seemed like the blandest, most milquetoast and vanilla pudding of them all, because aside from cutting herself and going to rehab, I can’t name a single noteworthy thing that she’s done. But then along comes Australian DJ Ruby Rose, who Tweeted on Sunday that she’d had a lesbian affair with Demi, and suddenly I’m very intrigued by the both of them. While she has since deleted the Tweets, it’s still funny how a sordid girl-on-girl affair can make even the most boring celebrities seem like they suddenly have some cultural significance. Then again, unless a sex tape surfaces, this will all just have been one big tease.
Not saying things aren’t going peachy fucking wonderful for Demi Lovato, but booking the Burlington, Mass Microsoft store opening isn’t what you call a ladder climber. I’d fire my agent if they couldn’t at least get me an Apple store gig on iPhone launch weekend. I suppose next stop is cell plan sign twirling outside the strip mall, followed by opening for one of those Asian circuses where bears on bicycles chase monkeys on bicycles and then maul them to death.
Demi Lovato appeared on Live with Kelly and Michael yesterday to talk about how “brave” she is because she recently Tweeted a picture of herself with no makeup. Lovato has long been regarded as a hero to teenage girls for the way she has stood up to bullies – like backup dancers who sleep with her boyfriends – while battling substance abuse and addiction, as well as coping with eating disorders and self-mutilation (she’s single, fellas!). Yes, if you look up brave (and maybe cankles) in the dictionary, there’s just a picture of Demi Lovato.
A bunch of Lovato’s fans showed up to scream like maniacs for her as she performed her new single “Heart Attack”, and, if anything, this is just your weekly reminder that teenage girls are absolutely insane. If they scream and cry like this now, imagine what they’ll be like when their cats die or families sign them up for episodes of Hoarders.
Britney Spears and Demi Lovato are both in New York today so Fox can officially announce that they’re joining Simon Cowell and LA Reid as judges on ‘The X Factor’. Demi’s goal will be to target in on the next big star in music, but avoid any major arteries when she freaks out under the pressure and starts cutting again.
One time me and my buddy Randy and my buddy Dave were bow hunting and we were in the cabin on the first night knocking down bottles of Southern Comfort, because we’re hicks from Louisiana and that’s what we drink. Anyway, Dave passed out at around 3am so of course me and Randy dragged him into the woods and stripped him naked and rolled him onto his stomach and poured about 4 bottles of Doe In Heat on his ass. If you don’t know, Doe In Heat is urine of a female deer and it’s used to attract male deer. Just a few drops will attract every buck within a hundred miles. The plan was to have some huge stag come mount Dave, but we were making tons of noise, and so unfortunately no deer ever made love to Daves anus. Which is probably for the best, since an erect deer penis is about four feet long, and I bet Dave would have been pretty surprised to get sodomized by that, to wake up with that pressing against his heart and collapsing his rectum. It would have been worth it though because we could have said, “Wow, he deer-ly loves you Dave!” “What an en-deer-ing couple you two make!” Ha!
Anyway, Demi Lovato went on twitter and she has red hair now.
Apparently a lot of people were talking about the way Demi Lovato looked at the VMAs on Sunday, specifically about the weight she’s gained since leaving rehab, because she went on her twitter and said…
Guess what, I’m healthy and happy, and if you’re hating on my weight you obviously aren’t. :)
And Ashley Greene sent her a poorly spelled message saying “your beautiful”, to which Demi replied…
this is why you’re my friend.. Thank you girl.
Which is kind of weird because it was when Joe Jonas broke up with Demi Lovato and then dated Ashley Greene that Demi lost it and ended up in rehab for cutting, an eating disorder, drugs, and anger management. But she seems happy now so good for her. And if she can find a way to go back in time to when being fat was a sign of status and privilege, she’ll be all set.