By Lex October 05, 2015 @ 8:08 AM
Girls can’t just get naked anymore. There has to be a message. Demi Lovato went makeup and clothes free to support a message of body acceptance. If you have up to six hours a day for private trainers and juice extracted from the anus of a vegan Sasquatch, you too can accept the fat jokes that no longer make sense. Lovato wanted everybody to solve the National Treasure hunt with the clues etched on her body. Wait, that says shop at Duane Reade’s when in Manhattan. Scan her QR code for thirty-percent off all Revlon products. Why can’t you be like every other female celebrity who got naked without showing off her tits or vagina for a major magazine cover and accept how brave you are. I’d like your answer in the form of a tattoo that only appears when your body is contorted at an obtuse angle.
Photo Credit: Vanity Fair
By Lex September 28, 2015 @ 9:21 AM
Demi Lovato is in the unenviable position of having a pear shaped DNA sequence and ensconced firmly in the business of selling her body. It’s why her mom encouraged Lovato into eating disorders at six. It was the clairvoyance of this day when her daughter would be posing in workout gear for Skechers and sucking in her gut and barely getting out the words, ‘How much of this can you fix in post?’. These are the post pictures. And this is why mom taught you, two fingers to the back after every snack and the prince will marry you. The prince doesn’t want the girl who has to pull her stretch pants up over her gunt. Somebody’s been cheating.
Photo Credit: Skechers
By Lex September 14, 2015 @ 8:45 AM
Demi Lovato had little economic choice but to hint at being gay curious, maybe bisexual, not fully sexually fluid or gender neutral, but mostly definitely some slurps at the lady gob. Her tortured explanation was gross until you set it against the fact that she bones Wilmer Valderrama on the regular, that’s her comparative Get Out of Jail Free Card. Demi’s rubbing leeches on her labia and reciting Hillary Clinton stump speeches? No, still not as bad as Valderrama cock in your clam.
Alan Carr, who is both British and gay, not just British and super effeminate, asked Demi on his talk show if the lyrics in her crappy new song she clearly didn’t write were about her dabbling in lesbianism:
Got a taste for the cherry, I just need to take a bite.
Gay. Case closed. Or she likes cherries. Lovato cheekily responded that she would neither confirm or deny that she also digs chicks because that tested best with the marketing focus group. If I give her any credit, it’s for sparing the sexually progressive nonsensical lectures popular among her peers. So, maybe she rubbed up against a chick at band camp. That’s her business. I miss Jimmy Jam. He did this whole crappy chick pop music with greater aplomb.
By Lex July 02, 2015 @ 11:27 AM
Demi Lovato’s camped wasted no time jumping the lesbian experimentation money train with her song Cool for Summer. Hint, she tries kissing a girl. Seems edgy. Where’s my drachma? Critics are suggesting the song seems like an intentional rip of Katy Perry’s I Kissed a Girl which now seems culturally groundbreaking by comparison. It was also noted that Cool for Summer sounds like ten other songs currently out possibly because they’re all made in the same factory in Van Nuys waiting to be doled out arbitrarily to 20s somethings with eating disorders in cut-out bras. Lovato defended her song by irrelevantly invoking gay rights:
…sounds nothing like [I Kissed a Girl] and with all the advances we’ve made in the LGBT community…
No need for form a complete sentence. Point taken. Whatever it is. If I could see her belly button and maybe her last two cutting scars, I could probably come up with a definitive answer on the copyright claims. Until then, stare into her tits. This isn’t John Tesh at Red Rocks. There is no deeper message.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Matt April 28, 2015 @ 7:34 AM
Demi Lovato dedicated her song Warrior to Bruce Jenner while on tour in New Zealand for having the courage to promote a stupid reality show where the season finale will culminate with him wearing a dress and baking a cobbler. Jenner puts our men and women in uniform to shame with his super ballsy shaved trachea. Lovato was really impressed:
“I just want to dedicate this song… It’s so cheesy that I’m even doing this, but fuck it, whatever. I want to dedicate it to someone who became an even bigger hero last night: Bruce Jenner!”
Note that Lovato already considered Jenner a hero. One might think this was in reference to his Olympic gold medal, but nobody under twice Lovato’s age has any real recollection of Bruce Jenner the athlete. You know the Jenner who shuffles around his house while his step children get pounded raw on camera in the room upstairs. Less of a hero than a creepy sap with problems like the rest of us, though slightly different. I demand a little more of my heroes, like that they not be a cast member on a show which is drowning American culture in a pool of lube and fragrances. Also, maybe they didn’t kill anybody in a car crash recently. Martin Luther King’s family might write you a letter for a shoutout at your next concert.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex April 21, 2015 @ 10:14 AM
Nothing says I’m battling the objectification of women like shifting the body acceptance conversation into parts. Lovato wants girls to know it’s cool if you don’t have a thigh gap, you can still be a doctor or lawyer, just not an engineer because you know why.
“For some reason, this whole thigh gap thing has kind of swept over what people think is beautiful and if you have that naturally, then that’s totally fine, you’re still beautiful. My body doesn’t naturally have that.”
It’s common for young media stars to confuse Instagram with the real world. I don’t remember the thigh gap sweeping over the offline land so much. Is she decent looking and does she put out still remain dominant in dating decisions. Lovato’s mom got her into bulimia before she was even on solid foods. Back alley of the Gymboree chanting ‘fat girls don’t get on Barney’. I think all the public libraries are now closed. There’s nowhere left for girls to hide. Plug into the Matrix. Life gets better for you at 25.
Photo Credit: Instagram