I’m pretty sure every woman has a sex tape or naked photos of themselves floating around the Internet somewhere. If my mom called and told me we had to talk, I’d slam the phone down before she could cry about a clip of her and Sam the Butcher getting jiggy on 4Chan. Demi Lovato hasn’t been right since Barney made her do nasty from me to you kisses with Baby Bop in the playhouse. She inherited an eating disorder from her mom. By nine she was choking out her Oscar Meyer snack packs to keep her junior muffin top at bay. Then came cutting and drugs and worst of all, sex with Wilmer Valderrama. That right there should be enough to make you send back the lunch you already ate. Now, somebody’s shopping her sex tape and leaking out pictures that sure do look like her showing all kinds of human like intimacy and some titties. I’d say she made some unfortunate decisions in her life, but that’d just be the drugs talking. Hers, not mine. I think the bigger lesson learned here is that Corey Feldman has been right all along. Hollywood is a bunch of creepy sex fiends and pedophiles and opportunists looking to get over on stage kids either too young or too fucked up to know any better. I’m not blaming Wilmer, he lacks the intellectual capacity to be a conspirator. I’m going to go ahead and blame Demi’s mom, for being mental. And also for pushing her daughter into stardom when going to school, meeting cute boys, and maybe going on to be an interior decorator would’ve perhaps proved healthier. But that’s just me being all judgmental while I stare at Demi’s tits.
Kathy Griffin is 54-years old and has made a career out of shitting on celebrities, both talented and worthless, and Demi Lovato is 21, a popular singer and one of the judges on one of those stupid singing shows. Despite their three decade age difference, the two are apparently in a Twitter feud because Kathy called Demi the “biggest celebrity douche” after she acted outraged over Lady Gaga letting an “artist” vomit on her at SXSW. Demi’s fans have been calling for Kathy to kill herself in a variety of colorful ways ever since Demi Tweeted and deleted the above photo, but this whole thing is just way too stupid to devote even this much time to. If these two don’t like each other and want to settle it, they should have to fight to the death. That’s how all bullshit twitter feuds should have to end from here on out, because social media should only be used by unknown models who want to post nude photos. All the rest of this bullshit is just interfering with it.
I come to this tale with a little jealousy. I’ve been wanting to vomit on Lady Gaga’s face long before this fancy pants performance artist came and spit up colored milk all over her damaged koala looking frontside. I once saw a performance artist shove a potato up her ass and recite the names of the Presidents she claimed were responsible for imperialism. It made me feel ashamed, mostly for the lengths I went to get laid in college. That tuber up the ass was minor spectacle compared to seeing Millie Brown bulimia her colorful dairy all over Gaga at SXSW, that festival in Austin that you really need to start telling people you attended. Fuck Coachella, this is the new hipster cool points. Lady Gaga found being barfed on so liberating that she posted a picture of herself naked in the bathtub cleaning off the puke:
I loved every moment with you Austin. Last nights show healed my soul. Creative Rebellion is ARTPOP. Release yourself from every expectation. Be free.
If that doesn’t inspire you to want to have some nasty chick upchuck spoiled cream on you, nothing will. I can only imagine how millions of Little Monsters have reordered their disaffected teen bucket lists, completely forgoing their previous goal of having a gay BFF who holds them while they cut the word ARTPOP into their flabby forearms.
Demi Lovato, a known eating disorder sufferer, sees the liberating puking performance art a bit differently. She thought it glorified bulimia and took to Twitter to talk truth to power:
Demi Lovato then went on to Tweet some more analogies about cutting and drugs and other things under her broad life experiences belt. She raised the important philosophical point that just because you call something ‘art’ doesn’t mean it’s inherently worthwhile. Sadly, she couldn’t complete the logic circle and bring that back to her own musical endeavors. The puking performance artist countered Demi Lovato’s assertions with a whole bunch of chatter that made no sense and gave me a huge fucking headache to try and understand. I think it mostly boiled down to, my dad never loved me, so I’m gonna keep on barfing milk on whoever the hell I want. Female empowerment is so incredibly complicated. We really need to work on getting more girls into sports.
Photo Credit: www.littlemonsters.com
Miley Cyrus responded to Joe Jonas’ allegations that she and Demi Lovato started him down the road to drug problems. In an interview with the New York Times, Miley admits to having introduced Joe to weed but that everything that came after isn’t her fault. We told you about Jonas whining in an interview earlier this month that Miley and Lovato peer pressured him into trying marijuana for the first time. I guess they held him down and twisted his completely heterosexual nipple rings until he took a hit. The incident happened back when they were all young Disney creations being gently molested by Hollywood casting agents and producers. Miley says,
“If you want to smoke weed, you’re going to smoke weed. There’s nothing that two little girls are going to get you to do that you don’t want to do. I thought maybe he was saying that like it was going to make him look badass. We were so young that it’s actually like, ‘How did you get peer pressured by me?”
She’s got a point. Joe Jonas is a huge pussy that no mustache can hide. And, yet, she completely ignores the fact that a teenaged boy will strangle in his parents in their sleep and light the town on fire if a couple teenage girls promise him sex when he’s finished. So, there’s that too. In the end, I blame the parents. As soon as they come out of the money counting room tallying their kids’ financial take, I’m going to have a word with them.
Like many stage parents, Demi Lovato’s former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader mom wanted to make sure that her daughter would get the attention of as many perverts and pedophiles as possible. So she doubled down by having her grade school daughter performing in kid beauty pageants as well as getting her onto TV’s Barney and Friends. Had Megan’s Law website existed fifteen year ago, she could’ve just cross referenced IMDB with registered sex offenders in her area to see which kindly looking man with a mustache could most help her daughter become famous. Cut to, literally, cut to, Demi at nineteen smuggling cocaine onto airplanes and downing Sprite bottles full of vodka for breakfast:
I couldn’t go without 30 minutes to an hour without cocaine and I would bring it on airplanes. I would smuggle it basically and just wait until everyone in first class would go to sleep and I would do it right there. I’d sneak to the bathroom and I’d do it.
And now you know why you’re admonished on planes not to use the first class lavatory. Demi Lovato’s in there joining the mile high club. On top of her coke and booze addiction, Demi was also cutting herself and had an eating disorder right about the time Barney started asking to see her in his trailer during mandatory set breaks:
It was always there, but then I just acted on it at around 8 or 9 years old. I started overeating, compulsively overeating. I would bake cookies and then eat the whole pan. I went from doing that to being unhappy with my body. I went to just completely starving myself and that turned into throwing up and starving myself and it was just this crazy battle going on inside of me. It got really difficult [and] I would throw up and it would just be blood and it was something that I realized if I don’t stop this, I am going to die.
Your typical fourth-grade tale of bulimia, self-harming, and intense shame. Demi’s mom chimed in the interview, blaming herself for passing her own eating disorder onto her daughter and wondering if perhaps she could have been more diligent in selecting the men she chose to rape her daughter as a youngster. Mom of the year trophies can’t be far behind.
Photo Credit: WENN, Glee/FOX
Of all the carbon copy female pop stars that have come and gone, Demi Lovato has always seemed like the blandest, most milquetoast and vanilla pudding of them all, because aside from cutting herself and going to rehab, I can’t name a single noteworthy thing that she’s done. But then along comes Australian DJ Ruby Rose, who Tweeted on Sunday that she’d had a lesbian affair with Demi, and suddenly I’m very intrigued by the both of them. While she has since deleted the Tweets, it’s still funny how a sordid girl-on-girl affair can make even the most boring celebrities seem like they suddenly have some cultural significance. Then again, unless a sex tape surfaces, this will all just have been one big tease.
(Photo Credits: Getty)