ESPN’s 2014 Body Issue For All Your Naked Prince Fielder Needs

By Lex July 09, 2014 @ 8:12 AM

Venus Williams Nude And Covered In ESPN's 2014 Body Issue
Call this the parade of women who can kick your ass. I don’t know who most of them are, but ESPN got them all to pose in contorted nudity to glorify the female body without showing any female parts. Not exactly classical Greek standards, but it meets the U.S. advertising restrictions of no nipples, no bush while showing off glutes and pecs and biceps and other things certain dudes like about muscular women. ESPN is better at sports coverage than S.I. so it makes sense than in the reverse they’d be worse at producing a big annual issue of hot women. If you can muddle past Prince Fielder without his clothes on¬†you can see a United Colors of Benetton assortment of pretty good looking ladies with and without their natural limbs. I guess the lesson here is that if you’re a professional athlete and you train six hours a day, you will have a pretty stellar body. I feel like I could have picked up on that factoid without being subjected to Prince Fielder’s bare gunt.

Photo Credit: ESPN

ESPN Presents Hot Naked Dudes

By Matt June 26, 2014 @ 11:26 AM

ESPN started The Body Issue to show Sports Illustrated that they too could run issues that really had nothing to do with sports. The difference is the SI Swimsuit issue features the hottest chick models in the world. The Body Issue features women who are professional athletes bearing ACL scars, Magnus ver Magnusson pecs, and barbed wire tattoos. Also, SI doesn’t headline dudes in banana hammocks. The ESPN Body Issue is mostly dudes. Hairy dudes, dudes with dreadlocks, all kinds of dudes just being naked sexy dudes. The promotional literature for the magazine actually contains the words First Baseman. I always found the towel snapping jock culture to be latently homoerotic, but when a magazine’s entire audience is male and they publish an issue of naked guys, it isn’t homoerotic, its just homo. The female headliner this year is the delicate Venus Williams who would suffice if you were on your first prison conjugal in more than eighteen months. For all its airbrushing, the SI Swimsuit Issue remains a classy way to masturbate. I’m not janking my piece looking at Michael Phelps. Maybe Marshawn Lynch, thinking about how he busts through tackles. That’s pretty fucking hot.