Shit You Don’t Want to Hear After Getting a Giant Tattoo of Your Boyfriend’s Name on Your Hand

By Lex October 28, 2015 @ 6:48 AM


The rapper known as Future just woke up from a dream where he fucked a baby into Russell Wilson’s girlfriend because somebody had to to discover Blac Chyna who he took to the Sizzler once and fucked over the back of his car got his name tattooed in big letters on her crazy paw. That’s a lot to process. When asked about Blac Chyna and the forever branding on her hand, Future responded, “I’m single and just doing what makes me happy.” Crazy girlfriend rockets, engage.

Chicks like Blac Chyna can’t be given standard mental health evaluations. It’s like asking the oompa loompas to write an objective review of the factory on Glassdoor. Her entire existence is mental illness. She lives in an imaginary world where you post pictures of your engorged ass on social media and some dude cums in your ear and leaves you a bag of groceries and money for skin lightening. You can commit her now or wait until she’s killed a guy who knows a guy who might know where her boyfriend is who won’t answer her texts within ten minutes. Up to you. That guy she kills is probably entourage so entirely expendable.

Photo credit: Instagram

Ciara Sees No Future With Future (Get It? Fuck Yeah I’m on A Roll)

By Lex August 13, 2014 @ 2:36 PM

Ciara spun the rapper wheel of sperm and got knocked up by Future, who proceeded to fuck around on her because he’s a rapper and his name is Future. With their baby, also named Future, just three months old, Ciara has told Future to take a hike because she’s heartsick from his cheating ways.  I guess Ciara’s heart isn’t well-versed in the rapper fidelity statistics put out each year by the RIAA. The odds are not in your favor, Katniss.

“I knew right away that he was different. Now he’s my best friend in the world, my partner.”

But that was a full month ago in Brides magazine with Ciara talking about her pending wedding to her baby daddy. You know, talking about her Future. This slight error in judgement shouldn’t be used against Ciara when she starts writing celebrity motherhood and relationship books. You want advice from a woman who thought a 25-year old rapper was the perfect partner. You can’t be the shepherd until you’ve fucked a few sheep.

Photo credit: Splash News

Miley Cyrus Tits Are Spray Painted for New Music Video

By Lex November 12, 2013 @ 4:27 PM

Miley Cyrus Is Covered In Glitter For Future's Music Video 'Real And True'
Miley Cyrus had about five minutes there when people weren’t talking about her being the bane of decent society so she took off her clothes for a rap video where her dulcet tones are featured. You can go look up the rapper Future’s music video Real & True yourself to see flashes of Miley Cyrus body painted in silver glitter. Now that I know my Internet search records are being monitored by the NSA, I’m not doing ‘Miley Cyrus tits in videos’ or ‘how to murder annoying neighbor children’ any longer on Google.