Disney Has a Star Wars Movie Breaching Every Ten Minutes

By Lex June 05, 2014 @ 4:39 PM

JJ Abrams Responds To Leaks 'Star Wars' Photos
There are no nerds like Star Wars nerds. I think it might be their sheer number that put them atop the Chapstick smelling heap of whiny Internet geeks. They’re autonomic nervous system depends upon other people interpreting the Star Wars universe according to their personal biblical orthodoxy. But Disney is an even more powerful machine that Star Wars nerds or Jesus and they don’t give a fuck who cringes at the thought of a Boba Fett revealing himself to be a hot Hispanic actor trending big in key demographics. If Disney wants Qui-Gon to announce he’s polyamorous and supports transgendered rights, that’s going down. And it’s going down daily. Disney is now slated to produce something like forty-seven new Star Wars films. Sequels, prequels, and spin-offs. The dude who did Godzilla just got him one. So did the dude who’s doing Fantastic Four. J.J. Abrams is teasing fanboys online with his production slate and will not stop for fifteen more movies. The banker with big boobs George Lucas married last year is contractually obligated to helm the Housewives of Naboo hybrid reality series. And Disney has promised a Star Wars mini-series to Hezbollah if they agree to stop using Mickey Mouse in their kill-all-the-Jews training videos for children. Disney is going to give you Stars Wars until you can’t fucking stand it anymore. And then we’re all going to punch the first guy who stands up to announce he doesn’t recognize the Phantom Menace as valid lore.

Photo Credit: JJ Abrams/Twitter

Friday Morning Headlines

By brendon January 25, 2013 @ 11:53 AM

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LOUIS CK – has been witnessed peeping into windows and watching underage girls getting undressed, according to flyers posted in Huntington Beach. He’s not mentioned by name, so it may be a hoax or someone just used a picture that looked close enough, or maybe he really is doing it because how else are you supposed to watch underage girls take their clothes off? Most of them are so stuck-up they make a big deal out of everything. (huff post)

ASHTON KUTCHER – plays Ashton Kutcher in a parking garage in this first clip from the movie about Steve Jobs. It is not good. If I were the producer, I’d see if it was too late to dig Jobs up and work him around like a marionette. (mtv)

JJ ABRAMS – will direct ‘Star Wars: Episode VII’, the first Star Wars movie since Disney bought the rights for the franchise from George Lucas in October. So the first Star Wars movie with a chance of being good since ‘Empire Strikes Back’ in 1980. I just hope he doesn’t set the whole thing in space again. I mean we’ve already seen that like a million times. (la times)

KANYE WEST – went to the Martin Margiela show last night as part of Paris Fashion Week, but he should wear this outfit back in New York too. It’s a black guy with a ski mask cut by hand and pulling his coat closed as if he’s hiding something. What could possibly go wrong? (image source = fame/flynet)

Benicio Del Toro might be in Star Trek 2

By brendon November 07, 2011 @ 2:40 PM

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Variety is reporting that Benicio Del Toro has been offered the role as the villain in the sequel to ‘Star Trek’, though it’s not clear which villain he’ll play. I know this is off the subject but Benicio had sex with Scarlett Johansson in an elevator when she was 19 and he was 37. That’s pretty bad ass. Also off the subject but why is my penis two shades darker than the rest of me. Does astroglide have some kind of self-tanner in it?

Tuesday morning headlines

By brendon April 19, 2011 @ 12:10 AM

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JJ ABRAMS – has a new top secret movie project at Paramount, called Zanbato for now, with Japanese history and robotics as the major themes. One source described it as, “Swashbuckling robots with swords.” Cool. So how long until someone points out that robots are made of sword-proof metal. (deadline)

KANYE WEST – closed out Coachella Sunday night, and “delivered a grandiose, theatrical performance destined to be remembered as one of the greatest hip-hop sets of all time.” And safest. (thr and lat)

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN – visited the final 7 contestants on American Idol Friday, though it’s not clear if he’ll be on air as a mentor. Too bad Pia Toscano isn’t still there. Just imagine the stirring conversation they could have had about Jersey. (e!)

FERGIE – was stopped by the TSA at LAX (again) this weekend. “Why is this old guy carrying a purse”, they asked as Fergie approached. “Somethings not right here.” (daily mail and splash news)

Morning headlines

By brendon June 11, 2009 @ 7:55 AM

EXCLUSIVE: Chantelle Houghton Sunbathing In France (USA AND OZ O

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4 – I think I’m the only one who feels Mission Impossible 3 is completely awesome, until the final ten minutes. Philip Seymour Hoffman is the best actor alive, and Maggie Q is so GD hot I’d rather masturbate to the words “Maggie Q” on a piece of blank paper than a Playboy. Somehow my point to all this is that the great JJ Abrams has confirmed he’s back on board for number 4. (source = IGN)

PARIS HILTON – is single. She broke up with that guy whose name I can’t remember. Actually I’m not sure I ever knew it. Greg? Greg. I think it was Greg. My best friend from high school is named Greg. He’s a doctor now. (source = people)

CHANTELLE HOUGHTON – This is the internet and I’m a slave to bikini pictures so they go up almost no matter what, and that’s very much the case with this UK reality “star”. She’s not that good looking, and she needs to lose 10 pounds, but since the dawn of time man has wondered what Kumar would look like with implants and a bikini. Picture 4 has the shocking answer! (source = flynet. hq jump = here)