Camera Phone Hacking, I’ve Seen Them All Naked

By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 4:32 PM

Kate-Upton-Topless-on-Instagram

I have looked. And I will look again.

America is in a collective tizzy right now. Half of them are drenching their knee-highs to photos of celebrity exposed titties, the other half are penning lamentations on Yahoo and Huffington Post about societal decay. The big cellphone camera leak. I mean, not leak, we’re supposed to call it grand larceny and conspiracy to reveal snatch to make it sound more threatening. Last century we had the Holocaust. This century, the hacking of celebrity phones to see Kirsten Dunst titties. One thing the Internet has not provided us as a society is perspective.

I’ve seen every single picture that was made available. I feel oddly not guilty. When I see people peering up at the sky, I look up at the sky. If I look up and I see Kate Upton’s giant magical boobs, I’m going to yell for my buddy to tilt his eyes skyward as well. I’d like someone to share that experience with. That’s sort of gay, but it doesn’t count if you’re peeking Jennifer Lawrence’s beaver.

What are we arguing? That stealing is wrong? Of course it is. As bad as I wanted to see Victoria Justice titties, I wouldn’t break into somebody’s house to see them. Maybe I’d jiggle the front door handle a few times. Are we not supposed to look when this shit comes out? Everybody has their prurient passions. I wait full stop on the freeway many days here because people just have to peek at the ambulance taking away the guy who thought motorcycles were a good idea on a road full of distracted SUVs.  Is watching a bloodied motorcyclist less prurient than staring at the absolutely wonderful minge on Krysten Ritter?

Celebrities are the usual target of these hackers for the simple fact that nobody gives a fuck about your grandmother. I’m not going to tell famous people to stop taking pictures of themselves grabbing their naked bits on the off chance they be stolen some day. We can’t let the terrorists win. I’d encourage more. And bring in some stagecraft like swings and Go-Pros mounted to the taint and well-endowed Guatemalan men. You’re in the entertainment business for fuck’s sake. Don’t give me duck face selfies in the toilet.

For all the legal claim hyperbole, celebrities have never been professionally harmed by the release of their nude and sexually explicit private content. Some have built TV and merchandising empires off of just that. It’s unfortunate that some people think just because you employ your sexuality and titties as part of your professional endeavors that you somehow deserve to have less rights to privacy in your personal time. You’re not supposed to follow the strippers home.  Most men get this. The others ought be locked up.

Respectfully, I’d ask that we separate the criminals from the rest of us who just want to see Verlander finish with a two-seamer on Kate Upton’s shoulder. When the rest of the world gives up voyeur TV and cable news coverage of missing hot college girls and sharing office gossip and listening to their neighbors fighting or fucking and accidentally looking at their boyfriend’s phone for texts, then I’ll put down the Jennifer Lawrence nudes. Until then, fuck you, you self-righteous rule makers.  My penis has the God-given right to be happy.

Photo credit: Kate Upton, self-posted to Instagram

Kate Upton Got Topless With Justin Verlander

By Lex August 31, 2014 @ 7:58 PM

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Nope, I can’t show you this picture either. I’ve been threatened with the iron mask. But you can see the big tittied blonde and the Cy Young Award winner pushing his junk up into her butt HERE. There’s a bunch of other pictures too that look kind of like her big fat boobs. Probably a mix of real and fake. It’s safe to say, the world will never be the same. Even Hamas and ISIS put down their swords to stroke the shit out of their sweaty plowshares. Even hate filled men get hard-ons. Kate Upton has peaked today. That could be seen as unfortunate, unless you really think about what she had left to offer. It was time.

Kate Upton Modeling At Age 15

By Lex August 08, 2014 @ 10:59 AM

Kate Upton Modeling At Age 15
For as long as Kate Upton’s been upset about being seen as a sex object, she’s been modeling in showy things. I went down to the small shop where the old Chinese guy lectures visitors about mogwais and bought some photos of Kate Upton modeling when she was just fifteen. It’s kind of crass to stare at Kate Upton from before she had the mighty tits of Athena, but it’s a solid reminder that even before the big boobs I never had a shot at a girl like Kate. She’d say she loves the guy who makes her laugh or knows how to castle properly in Chess, but even then she was dating the high school version of Justin Verlander. It’s cool. If I looked like Kate Upton, I’d only wrap my legs around Cy Young Award and Oscar winners too. But I don’t. So any girl with a GED equivalent and most of her teeth is my Match.com baseline. Fuck, I did poorly in high school.

Photo Credit: Coleman-Rayner

Kate Upton Feeling Fatty

By Matt July 31, 2014 @ 8:12 AM

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“You are ugly if you don’t have a curvy body, and I didn’t have one, and then I got one, and thought ‘Yessss!’ And then people say: ‘Oh, wow, you’re healthy.’ And you’re like, ‘Wait – what? I’ve been begging for this body my whole life!’”

In case you don’t speak  nuanced model, Kate Upton is saying she gained weight, and when people remarked on her new curves, she told them it was her plan all along, and then added anyone who weighs less than her is unattractive. This is coming off of her most recent modeling campaign for Elle UK which features Upton covering herself in ponchos and muumuus. Maybe Upton is feeling bad about herself and projecting the way insecure narcissists do:

“It’s not like I look in the mirror and think ‘I’m killing it’… No, a lot of times I’m puffy and bloated. I like myself in general, but there are days when you just don’t.”

Like the day you did that interview maybe. There will be no uproar over this because anyone who refers to themselves as curvy has carte blanche to insult whomever they want. Even if their curves were installed in an office. If a thin model said something similar her head would be put on a stake and goose-stepped around The View to teach America a lesson that heavy equals privilege, and being shaped like a milk carton is sexy no matter what those idiots think.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Kate Upton Is a Maverick

By Lex July 03, 2014 @ 2:56 PM

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Nobody knows makeup like Bobbi Brown. Whoever the fuck that is. I thought it was dead Whitney Houston’s crack pipe partner, but I guess it’s some makeup artist now making a billion dollars selling concealers. She used to have Katie Holmes as her spokesmodel, but then one day she saw Katie with her Bobbi Brown makeup on and realized she looked just as dowdy as without, so she shitcanned her. Now she’s hired Kate Upton to front her makeup line. Because when you think about Kate Upton, you’re forever wondering who does her mascara, or you would, if she wore mascara on her tits. Doesn’t matter, Bobbi Brown is smitten:

I admire women who create their own rules, so I was naturally drawn to Kate because she’s a maverick who has carved her own path to success.

Naturally, she’s referring to Kate modeling lingerie and swimsuits and taking bit roles in movies as the bouncy blond bombshell. Talk about blazing a trail. That’s Lewis and Clark type frontiersman-ship. Tell Ma I love her, we may not be back. I bet every other good looking D-cup blond in Hollywood wished they’d scratched their noggins hard enough to conceive that maverick plan of attack. Sometimes, I’d always thought makeup artists were incapable of telling falsehoods, but I might be thinking of superheroes.

Photo credit: Kate Upton/Instagram

Kate Upton Vagina Still Lurking on SI

By Lex June 12, 2014 @ 5:53 PM

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Thanks to ‘pluggy’ (yeah, what’s your screen name, hotshot?) and a minor bit of detective work, it appears that the Kate Upton painted bare beaver shot they accidentally posted on SwimDaily before somebody yelled ‘vagina!’ is actually still sitting in their public media server.

http://siswimdaily.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/kate-22.jpg?w=600&h=400
original: http://swimdaily.si.com/2014/06/10/kate-upton-turns-22-and-we-have-2-minutes-and-22-seconds-of-gif-able-material-for-you/

SI must have a ton of hot model cooch shots they’ve nixed from photo shoots before. I thought they went into the radioactive chamber for cosmic disassembly, lest the models fear that some guy named Todd is storing all their wonderland shots on his thumb drive for later use. Nothing is ever erased in the digital world, but every second grader knows you have to purge the CDN, you can’t just remove a photo from the live server. At least, that’s what the second grader I just asked told me. I don’t know shit about this stuff. I can’t even delete my fat-faced baby pictures off Facebook. Quit that shit, mom.

SI, I know your first instinct will be to fire the kid with glasses who made Kate’s sex object friend to the world. Don’t. Someday, that lowly digital media staffer is going to build the next Snapchat or run blood diamonds out of Africa. We need both.

Photo credit: Swimdaily/SI