By Jack November 28, 2013 @ 12:52 PM
Kanye West continued his deluded fuckhead radio tour by claiming that his trashy girlfriend Kim Kardashian is the new Marilyn Monroe. The revelation came in the middle of an epic 45 minute rant on the Power 105′s Breakfast Club radio show. The subject came up of Vanity Fair hiring Kate Upton to pose as Marilyn Monroe on their cover. Kanye ain’t having none of that shit. He said,
“I have a love-hate relationship with the paparazzi, but actually I love them because they are empowering us. They are empowering us over Vanity Fair that want to say that Kate Upton is Marilyn Monroe. Kate Upton ain’t Marilyn Monroe, Kim is Marilyn Monroe.”
Yes, because God forbid something not be about the two of them for five fucking minutes. Marilyn Monroe embodied the ideal of desirable woman for her time. She was blond and curvy and sassy and knew the fine art of the tease. Can you imagine Kim Kardashian singing Happy Birthday, Mr. President to the Commander in Chief? She’d groan like a wounded bear and pull down her girdle as her mom cackled for Obama to bang her daughter’s ass like a Kenyan warrior. Actually, I’d watch that.
By Lex November 25, 2013 @ 3:11 PM
I can’t remember exactly what happened with that video of Kate Upton topless on a horse that TMZ pulled down. I think it turned out that it wasn’t really Kate Upton and maybe the horse was actually Khloe Kardashian and it was just one giant puddle of disappointment. But, now, the woman who doesn’t want to be seen as a sex object is back up on the horse with her top open, getting paid to share her intellect and personality with the world.
In news equally relevant to your dramatically unrealistic masturbation fantasies, it looks like Kate is done with her Russian ballroom dancer boyfriend:
“Maks has been telling friends that he is no longer bringing Kate to a wedding that they were both scheduled to attend together” — a source to RadarOnline
The couple have faced many challenges in their burgeoning relationship, most notably their individual travel schedules and their similar unslakable thirst for cock. To be fair, I wasn’t sure that Maksim Chmerkovskiy was actually gay until I read that part about punishing his girlfriend by not taking her to a wedding he’s attending. That’s queerer than the dude who suggests hot tubbing at an all-guys party. No offense to my friend Christopher whose parents presciently gave him a gay name decades before he even made the hot tub suggestion.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash
By Lex November 07, 2013 @ 2:43 PM
Sports Illustrated released a video of Kate Upton being bodypainted just to remind everybody that Sports Illustrated still does something between annual Swimsuit Editions. It’s a conundrum when you’re choked to death by your own golden goose. Sort of like Kate Upton not wanting to be seen as a sex object then taking a paycheck to let a bunch of chunky handlers airbrush her naked body. In a perfect world, everybody could just be honest about who they really are. And Kate would take off her bottoms.
By Lex November 05, 2013 @ 6:01 PM
I’m pretty easily distracted.My ADHD is so severe, it took me six attempts to write ADHD. But I’m not falling for the silly hat trick. I’m looking right at Kate Upton’s boobs.. I know Kate is adamant about not being seen as a sex object, an object, or just plain old sex. But it’s really pretty hard. Especially that last part. Dress up like a British royal all you want Kate, hell, date a gay Russian ballroom dancer. I will never stop staring at your nutter butters. To this I commit.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Travis October 23, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Because she’s the most famous model in the world right now, Kate Upton was also at the 30th Annual Night of Stars presented by the Fashion Group in New York City last night, and this is a little confusing. On one hand, it’s Kate Upton, so from the neck down we know what we’re in for, and that’s always usually an A+. But whoever picked this color and those lesbian combat high heels for Kate to wear really needs to dial it back a notch. Unless the point was to make Kate Trip over the boots, snag her dress on a door or sign and completely tear it off, in which case that designer deserves to be the next President of the United States.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Travis October 09, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
For Snoop Lion, doing a Hot Pockets commercial is common sense, because with the amount of weed that guy has smoked in his lifetime, it’s only natural that he’d be putting his name behind one of the greatest late night stoner snacks out there. But Kate Upton? This is probably a bad idea, because there are already so many people who like to call her fat, so between this and that Carl’s Jr. commercial she’s either being paid out the ass, just mocking everyone or giving them more ammo than they’ll ever need. Or probably a little of 1 and 3. Maybe next time she should just consider endorsing salad.