By Jack April 14, 2014 @ 1:34 PM
Professional hot chick Kate Upton made a horrifying confession: She wishes she had smaller boobies. It’s like finding out that Santa Claus is just your mom’s drunk boyfriend Earl. It’s a weird thing for her to say as her breasteses are the main reason she’s rich and famous and spending weekends in the Four Seasons with the world’s most eligible bachelors. No offense to her myriad of other skills such as giggling, smiling, and pretending she doesn’t take shits. Kate’s main reason for wanting to join tiny titty club involves her desire to be able to go braless without everybody ogling her yum yums:
“I wish I had smaller boobs every day of my life as I love to wear spaghetti tops braless or go for the smallest bikini designs. Every single day, I’m like, ‘Oh, man, it would be so much easier,’ especially if people didn’t constantly bring them up.”
I don’t buy that last part. In this business you got to take any buzz you can, even if it’s about how much people want to motorboat your sweater hams. You may recall Kate has been on this ‘don’t think of me when you jackoff’ kick where she wants men to stop thinking about putting a sock in her mouth as they bang her over the end of a hotel room sofa like I am this very second. I guess you don’t really know how hard another person has it until you walk a mile in their shoes or spend a day in their D-cup bra. Still, I’m guessing there’s none chance Kate actually goes and makes her tits smaller, as she can at any time. There’s bitching and then there’s bitching and stupid. Without that chest, Kate isn’t starring in The Other Woman, she’s just cleaning up the theater after the showing.
By Lex April 03, 2014 @ 4:33 PM
Leslie Mann grabbed Cameron Diaz’ butt on the red carpet for The Other Woman as both ladies pretended to be fun and flirty and that anyone with a camera gave a shit about them after Kate Upton’s boobs arrived. The three female co-stars of the film I’d just assume have an angry little person piss in my Lasik surgery still open cornea than go see all pretended to be bosom buddies, but we all know that’s not the case. Three women can’t be friends. It’s an unnatural triangle where each will become the talked about vertex of lesser worth. Men can be friends with other men of various irrefutable personal standards. A man can watch a ball game with another man who he’s pretty sure is fucking his dog. But Kate Upton thinks Cameron Diaz looks like a dude, Cameron thinks Kate doesn’t deserve attention as any kind of actress, and both Cameron and Kate want to vomit when Leslie Mann talks about how Judd Apatow’s neatly groomed beard tickles her when she orders him to go down on her in his gimp suit. If they weren’t shilling a movie and spinning tales of crazy girl friendships on the set, they’d be poisoning each others kale salads and hiding all the tampons. I could be wrong, but I’m not.
Photo Credit: Splash, Getty
By Lex April 02, 2014 @ 4:04 PM
The Other Woman is a movie that I’m dying not to go see. The movie revolves around a woman who finds out that her husband has a mistress and the mistress finds out he has a husband, and instead of them both dumping his ass like a healthy woman would, they seek revenge. They can put Kate Upton out front in a bikini all they want, you can’t fool me. This is a movie that’s going to make my dick want to apologize to past girlfriends for forgetting about their birthdays and their deadly peanut allergies. I don’t need to pay to go to the movies to be lectured, I can just ask the girl I was going to take to the movies to lecture me for free about why I never take her anywhere. Relationships are easy once you’ve given up.
By Lex February 18, 2014 @ 2:55 PM
I’m not above a compliment. This is true genius. Putting Kate Upton up in an airplane and diving steep to create a zero-G effect on her big plump titties, it’s inspired. The fact they removed all the vomit and gave her a smile is a nice nod to all the guys jerking off to the dream of Kate Upton floating in no gravity with her mouth around their johnsons. Personally, I like the vomit. The slight burn reminds me of prom night.
Photo Credit: Sports Illustrated Swimsuit
By Lex January 10, 2014 @ 4:32 PM
I’m not sure if we’re supposed to look or not. Kate Upton made such a big stink about not wanting to be seen by men as a sex object. The fact that she keeps selling herself as a sex object makes following directions more difficult, but there’s dignity in the struggle. And I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to struggle more than she is.
Photo Credit: V Magazine
By Travis December 20, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Here’s the trailer for The Other Woman, which stars Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann as two women who realize that other guys will always ignore them for Kate Upton. There might be more plot details, but I was distracted by the very manipulative use of slow motion while Kate is jogging on the beach. It’s the kind of scene that could stop some evil terrorists from blowing up the entire world, because just as they’re about to push the button on their arsenal of nukes, Kate would jog by in slow motion, and they’d realize that America had it right this whole time. Thanks for saving the world, Kate Upton’s breasts.