Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Kate Upton and a dozen or so other celebrities from the hacked titties photo imbroglio have retained the services of celebrity scandal attorney Marty Singer to threaten to sue Google for $100 million, or what the people at Google like to call, lunch money. The overwrought teen legal letter accuses Google of not being responsive enough in killing URLs featuring pictures of Kate Upton covered in Cy Young goo and Jennifer Lawrence touching her niblets.
“Like the NFL, which turned a blind eye while its players assaulted and victimized women and children, Google has turned a blind eye while its sites repeatedly exploit and victimize these women.”
There are certain attorneys in Los Angeles who specialize in taking big wads of celebrity billable hours in exchange for trying to get their embarrassing photos or tawdry conduct allegations redacted from the web as if that’s actually a thing you can do. Still, there’s the appearance of something being done which is almost the same as something being done. Google probably did make some serious co-advertising dollars off the bump in traffic related to The Fappening. Online hosts tend to be more ‘cautious’ when removing content that is making them money than they do Aryan hate speech sites that refuse to use Google AdSense because they think it’s run by Jews. But it’s also true that celebrities have a lot of retainer money to waste fighting Pyrrhic legal battles. Pretty much the entire world minus those billing big fat hourlies knows you can’t put the hot naked genie flicking her bean on video back into the bottle.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet,PacificCoastNews
I have looked. And I will look again.
America is in a collective tizzy right now. Half of them are drenching their knee-highs to photos of celebrity exposed titties, the other half are penning lamentations on Yahoo and Huffington Post about societal decay. The big cellphone camera leak. I mean, not leak, we’re supposed to call it grand larceny and conspiracy to reveal snatch to make it sound more threatening. Last century we had the Holocaust. This century, the hacking of celebrity phones to see Kirsten Dunst titties. One thing the Internet has not provided us as a society is perspective.
I’ve seen every single picture that was made available. I feel oddly not guilty. When I see people peering up at the sky, I look up at the sky. If I look up and I see Kate Upton’s giant magical boobs, I’m going to yell for my buddy to tilt his eyes skyward as well. I’d like someone to share that experience with. That’s sort of gay, but it doesn’t count if you’re peeking Jennifer Lawrence’s beaver.
What are we arguing? That stealing is wrong? Of course it is. As bad as I wanted to see Victoria Justice titties, I wouldn’t break into somebody’s house to see them. Maybe I’d jiggle the front door handle a few times. Are we not supposed to look when this shit comes out? Everybody has their prurient passions. I wait full stop on the freeway many days here because people just have to peek at the ambulance taking away the guy who thought motorcycles were a good idea on a road full of distracted SUVs. Is watching a bloodied motorcyclist less prurient than staring at the absolutely wonderful minge on Krysten Ritter?
Celebrities are the usual target of these hackers for the simple fact that nobody gives a fuck about your grandmother. I’m not going to tell famous people to stop taking pictures of themselves grabbing their naked bits on the off chance they be stolen some day. We can’t let the terrorists win. I’d encourage more. And bring in some stagecraft like swings and Go-Pros mounted to the taint and well-endowed Guatemalan men. You’re in the entertainment business for fuck’s sake. Don’t give me duck face selfies in the toilet.
For all the legal claim hyperbole, celebrities have never been professionally harmed by the release of their nude and sexually explicit private content. Some have built TV and merchandising empires off of just that. It’s unfortunate that some people think just because you employ your sexuality and titties as part of your professional endeavors that you somehow deserve to have less rights to privacy in your personal time. You’re not supposed to follow the strippers home. Most men get this. The others ought be locked up.
Respectfully, I’d ask that we separate the criminals from the rest of us who just want to see Verlander finish with a two-seamer on Kate Upton’s shoulder. When the rest of the world gives up voyeur TV and cable news coverage of missing hot college girls and sharing office gossip and listening to their neighbors fighting or fucking and accidentally looking at their boyfriend’s phone for texts, then I’ll put down the Jennifer Lawrence nudes. Until then, fuck you, you self-righteous rule makers. My penis has the God-given right to be happy.
Photo credit: Kate Upton, self-posted to Instagram
Nope, I can’t show you this picture either. I’ve been threatened with the iron mask. But you can see the big tittied blonde and the Cy Young Award winner pushing his junk up into her butt HERE. There’s a bunch of other pictures too that look kind of like her big fat boobs. Probably a mix of real and fake. It’s safe to say, the world will never be the same. Even Hamas and ISIS put down their swords to stroke the shit out of their sweaty plowshares. Even hate filled men get hard-ons. Kate Upton has peaked today. That could be seen as unfortunate, unless you really think about what she had left to offer. It was time.
For as long as Kate Upton’s been upset about being seen as a sex object, she’s been modeling in showy things. I went down to the small shop where the old Chinese guy lectures visitors about mogwais and bought some photos of Kate Upton modeling when she was just fifteen. It’s kind of crass to stare at Kate Upton from before she had the mighty tits of Athena, but it’s a solid reminder that even before the big boobs I never had a shot at a girl like Kate. She’d say she loves the guy who makes her laugh or knows how to castle properly in Chess, but even then she was dating the high school version of Justin Verlander. It’s cool. If I looked like Kate Upton, I’d only wrap my legs around Cy Young Award and Oscar winners too. But I don’t. So any girl with a GED equivalent and most of her teeth is my Match.com baseline. Fuck, I did poorly in high school.
Photo Credit: Coleman-Rayner
“You are ugly if you don’t have a curvy body, and I didn’t have one, and then I got one, and thought ‘Yessss!’ And then people say: ‘Oh, wow, you’re healthy.’ And you’re like, ‘Wait – what? I’ve been begging for this body my whole life!’”
In case you don’t speak nuanced model, Kate Upton is saying she gained weight, and when people remarked on her new curves, she told them it was her plan all along, and then added anyone who weighs less than her is unattractive. This is coming off of her most recent modeling campaign for Elle UK which features Upton covering herself in ponchos and muumuus. Maybe Upton is feeling bad about herself and projecting the way insecure narcissists do:
“It’s not like I look in the mirror and think ‘I’m killing it’… No, a lot of times I’m puffy and bloated. I like myself in general, but there are days when you just don’t.”
Like the day you did that interview maybe. There will be no uproar over this because anyone who refers to themselves as curvy has carte blanche to insult whomever they want. Even if their curves were installed in an office. If a thin model said something similar her head would be put on a stake and goose-stepped around The View to teach America a lesson that heavy equals privilege, and being shaped like a milk carton is sexy no matter what those idiots think.
Photo Credit: Instagram