By Lex November 16, 2015 @ 2:29 PM
There’s rumors going around that Kate Upton is fat. It’s not a rumor so much as an observation made by people to scared to call it a fact. She’s getting thick again, even post-Photoshop. The bigger questions is who cares? I was going to say, just how gay are you, but not after France. Why don’t you make a list of all the times you turned down a good looking woman because she was a bit chunky? If you’ve got an exercise counter on your wrist you’re not in this conversation.
The world has adored fat chicks for eons. They carry their own luggage and when you’re a shitty boyfriend, they get sullen and eat quietly in the corner. Compare that to a raving skinny girl throwing your shit out of the window and running eight miles of angry. Anybody can be fat these days, but looking like Kate Upton and needing to drop ten to twenty, that’s the ticket. Cy Young Award Winner sperm doesn’t just fly onto any fat girls shoulder.
Photo Credit: Harper’s Bazaar Australia
By Lex September 17, 2015 @ 10:08 AM
Fashion Week separates the wheat from the chaff. It’s all fun and games to pretend you’re hot at 5’1″ with an obscenely plumped up bottoms and titties, but when these fashion houses are plunking down millions to sell simply stunning variations of the same shit they’ve all been selling for years, that’s when the body shaming begins for real. Haute couture doesn’t tolerate a fat ass. Tall, slender, and can you go braless without the one straight dude in the audience instinctively tossing in fives. It’s okay squat trolls, it’s still you we’re calling at 3am after leaving The Anchor. Take pride in your work. Kendall for show, Kylie for play, by way of short hand.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Jack June 18, 2015 @ 10:00 AM
We all know Kate Upton and Alexandra Daddario have fantastic tits they get to soap in the shower daily, alone or together with some lucky bastard. They aren’t showing off their tits, but they are talking about them, which is about forty-percent as good.
Read their musing on mammaries. (Drunken Stepfather)
Behati Prinsloo in lingerie? Don’t mind if I do. (Egotastic)
Gilbert Arenas smashes the fuck out of his baby mama’s car with a cinder block. (TMZ)
Tommy Chong has ass cancer. Bet he can finally get that medical marijuana receipt. (Huffington Post)
Meanwhile, Daniela Lopez Osorio’s ass is still fucking amazing. (Hollywood Tuna)
Kendall Jenner’s legs are pretty fucking great even if she’s a loathsome strumpet. (Popoholic)
It’s hot girls in short shorts weather, hallelujah! (The Chive)
By Lex April 08, 2015 @ 8:24 AM
Kate Upton didn’t ask to be a blond buxom model making bank and dating pro athletes, but there you go. Her drive to not be seen as a sex object is matched only by the speed at which she accepts cash so men can splash jizz onto grandma’s best carpet thinking about her in a bikini. Upton’s latest historical revision involves a claims that she chastised creepy Uncle Terry for releasing the Cat Daddy bikini dance video of her onto the net, ensuring she’d be super famous in Borneo within seconds.
[Kate Upton] told Vogue UK in a new interview that she was horrified to see the minute-long video of herself dancing while wearing an extremely small bikini go viral, in part because she thought it had just been filmed for fun and wouldn’t be seen by anyone who wasn’t at the photoshoot. “That was disrespectful, you could have told me!” the 21-year-old said she told photographer Terry Richardson
Terry Richardson is known for two things. Being super fucking creepy and sharing the shit out of every photo he’s ever taken. If he’s keeping any media private, it involves Romanian orphans being fucked to death by bears wearing tiny hats. Shots of your jiggling tits are not going in the storage locker. You don’t need to lie about who brought you to the dance, Kate. Flash your tits, point to the imaginary scoreboard, and we’ll gladly give you our money. I don’t remember the last five Kate Uptons slogging us through this same guilt trip.
By Lex February 12, 2015 @ 10:51 AM
Here’s the thing about not wanting to be a sex object. You need a decent alternate public image. Something to lay out as a secondary association. I don’t just have big ole knockers, I’m also a heart surgeon who saves children’s lives. If that’s not applicable, maybe, I’m a Costco club member or I can touch my toes while my dog licks my ass. Maybe not that last one, it edges just a touch into sex object. Also, maybe cut back on posting pictures of yourself naked to social media. Men are pigs. Ignore the haters. Change your passwords frequently. We’l get through this.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Jenna Leigh Lingerie
By Lex December 08, 2014 @ 1:05 PM
Getting people to appreciate you for your cunning intellect and masonry skills is much harder when you keep taking paychecks to show off your tits. There’s nothing wrong with that particular occupation unless you’re a chick who wears twill cord pants and believe the UVA rape story is more true now after recanting. Or if you’re Kate Upton who in between earning fat cash for bouncing her boobs in a fantasy action video game promo chastises men for treating her like a bouncing pair of boobs in a fantasy action video game promo. I hope for Christmas Santa gives her a sense of irony and even bigger titties.
Photo Credit: Game Of War