The Super Bowl Owns You

By Lex February 02, 2015 @ 9:10 AM


Everything that does not involve the snap of the football at the Super Bowl is some kind of hyper inflated dreck. From the morose commercials intimating if you don’t have the right insurance your honor student will drown in a small puddle left in the bathtub to Bob Costas re-purposing his grandiose Olympics poetry for the unheralded yard marker guy or the panoramic Oaxacan front yard that is Phoenix. I get it, just a week ago this Seahawks receiver was peeking up women’s skirts at Foot Locker. That Patriot lineman was almost aborted because his seventeen year old mom didn’t know if she wanted to bring her probation officer’s baby into this world. Bring on Katy Perry and her Teletubbies show for the twelve year old girls who’ve been sitting through ninety minutes of screaming drunk grown ups waiting to see Katy in her tit-safe girdle. That’s one hour of conjugal packed into a four hour prison sentence. I wish I could quit you NFL. Same time next year then.

Photo credit: Getty Images/AKM-GSI

Katy Perry Is Fucking John Mayer Again And Shit Around The Web

By Jack January 06, 2015 @ 11:30 AM


Katy Perry is once again playing the part of beard to John Mayer. She’s one in a long line of women he has used to convince people that he isn’t queerer than a football bat.

Read all about their sham of a relationship. (Dlisted)

Candice Swanepoel shows off her lingerie goodies for St. Valentine’s Day. (Egotastic)

Johnny Manziel gets into a drink throwing match at a Houston club like a little bitch. (TMZ)

In case you give a shit, Cameron Diaz married Benji Madden. I give it a month. (Huffington Post)

Rihanna hangs out in Barbados with her titties hanging out. (Drunken Stepfather)

Gigi Hadid is covered topless for Guess. (Popoholic)

Michelle Lewin exercises in a bikini in the park, like you do. (The Superficial)

I Always Knew Less People Gave A Shit

By Matt December 19, 2014 @ 6:34 AM

Kim Kardashian Posts A Selfie To Instagram

Instagram notified a bunch of celebrities their accounts were being Purged, meaning some of their bogus followers were being deleted. Kim Kardashian lost 1.3 million pretend fans in a few hours, Rihanna 1.2, and Katy Perry 300,000 because her people are wholesome and less like obvious Spam Bots. Humans are easily swayed. You tell them you’re popular and just like that you are. Let alone you don’t do anything besides get pearl necklaced on Beta or cut a hook you didn’t write every few years give or take. Paying for followers is highly necessary when you’re dramatically uninteresting. I’m convinced David Spade did this with actual women in the late 1980′s. This is a new generation. Fake it till you make it. Then keep faking it and deny your popularity is not only greatly exaggerated but also based on a vast conspiracy called taking one of those free classes on Social Networking at the Apple Store.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Katy Perry Wins a Vaunted Aria

By Lex November 28, 2014 @ 9:19 AM

Katy Perry See Through Skirt At ARIA Awards
Katy Perry skipped the American Music Awards earlier this week because she was winning an even bigger award in Australia, the rake of half a mill a night in appearance fees. Also, the Australians made up some kind of accolate to give her since they know they have to try just a little harder to get the cool people to come to their parties because they live so far away. Katy Perry was pretty much the only person not to show up to the AMA’s despite being honored by the super important bogus awards. This puts her in Marlon Brando and Jack Nicholson territory where you have other people accept major awards on your behalf because you’re busy getting baked and watching the laser show at the planetarium. Player. She had a better week than Ferguson.

Photo Credit: Getty

Katy Perry Bikini Pictures Grinding One Out

By Lex November 24, 2014 @ 9:15 AM

It takes nothing more than a boatful of backup dancer and a couple Foster’s to get Katy Perry shaking her ass. It also might be the privacy of an offshore yacht, bolstered by the conference that telescopic lenses on cameras will not be invented until 2037. I’m just glad Katy’s happy again after going through all the things she’s been through, not much of which seems particularly difficult, but struggle makes for good magazine copy. I’m not going to comment on her thighs because I don’t want the hate mail. But were I too comment, I might tell her next husband to beware, he’s getting Lammily, not Barbie.

Photo credit: INF Photos

Don’t Fuck With A Nude Katy Perry

By Matt November 24, 2014 @ 6:29 AM


Katy Perry was trying to enjoy a quiet day butt naked at a nude beach in Australia like the Constitution mandates and started getting hassled by photographers. To not draw attention to themselves the paparazzi stripped naked as well and continued bothering Perry and her friends and probably jerked off in some bushes. They apparently snapped some photos of Perry’s lady parts and offered to trade them for some bikini posing shots. At this point Perry said fuck it, tucked her labia in, and wrote a solid Twitter diatribe.

Point Perry. Not for spelling obviously. But that sicko comment had to hurt a guy going for a $100,000 paycheck for five minutes of work. Katy posted retaliations photos of the other paparazzi in an apparent attempt at shaming because like holocaust deniers paparazzi are so very easily shamed. At some point you just have to chalk it up to the fact you’ve made a fortune in large part because you’ve got a body people want to see naked. I’d make it more of a game. Take off your clothes in more places and hire a special forces sniper who takes out the paparazzi who go for the golden snap. Maybe he doesn’t need to kill them, just assure they will never walk again with a shot to the spine. It’s that or more nasty Tweets and I think we all know which is more humane.

Photo Credit: Twitter