By Lex September 18, 2014 @ 9:58 AM
Trannies are born with the instinct for a powerful entrance. Leaving the spotlight quietly, not so much. Lady Gaga channeled the Birth of Venus mixed with Fire Island glory hole trap when she arrived in Athens to help the Greeks forget about their bankruptcy and government employee riots for a while. The European continent is a time warp for flailing American and British music acts who can translate their downswings into three decade long tribute tours in nations where Members Only jackets are just coming into vogue. Lady Gaga may never leave the stage, but at least the lights are starting to dim.
Photo Credit: INF
By Matt September 10, 2014 @ 7:07 AM
Lady Gaga posted some swimsuit pics to Instagram that were either normal amounts of unflattering or really fucking unflattering. Gaga received negative comments for a few in particular which sort of just portrayed herself the way she looked before binging on craft services. She took to her defense with an empowering message of self acceptance:
“So what if I got a belly sometimes, sometimes I don’t. There’s people starving in the world. #whocares”
Are you supposed to answer hashtags? Obviously, you care, under the whoever smelt it dealt it rule of reasoning. Also, the starving people of the world probably care that you’re double fisting Yoplaits while they’re feeding their kids tree bark and pretending it’s soy chicken.
Later Gaga couldn’t stop with just one nitwit piece of fat guilt tripping, so she threw in another platitude for dessert:
“#bodyrevolution Proud at any size, because the inside is what really counts, Plus, it’s all how you pose! just ask the supermodels!”
Now I’m just confused. If I were one of the Little Monsters, I wouldn’t know whether to cut my forearm or eat a ham sandwich. The last thing you want is one million unguided teen outcasts. It might be good for the pharmaceutical industry. Not so much for peace and tranquility at the piercing counter. Personally, I could care less if Lady Gaga is getting fat. It just makes it easier to catch up to her and tell her how much I hate her music.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex August 28, 2014 @ 10:17 AM
Would a fat woman post a picture of her ass like this to Instagram? I think not. The most important thing is that Lady Gaga is not letting the gossip and stubby finger pointing about her weight gain get to her. Like she tells her Little Monsters, it’s what’s on the inside that counts. Don’t let bullies keep you from being the best King Joffrey looking little cutter with a raccoon henna tattoo you can be. Though, if you can contort your body enough and get the camera in just the right light and angle to make your ass look not so zaftig, you can still show the haters how wrong they are.
Photo Credit: Lady Gaga/Instagram
By Lex August 22, 2014 @ 11:21 AM
When in doubt, pull your pants down. I can’t think of an instance where it hurts. It often helps. If you happen to be a flailing pop star with scary doll face, just leave them off. Putt around Melbourne for a while and see if people don’t start declaring that Lady Gaga is back! It’ll be Australian accents, which nullifies the rest of the world from taking it seriously, but it’s still got to salve the open wound of a failing album and the onset of chub rub.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash
By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 8:57 AM
Make the ice bucket challenges fucking stop. Please. There’s a point at which Internet memes must be put down. It’s before TV news outlets and public relations reps for celebrities start jumping the bandwagon. I can’t believe a programmed cyborg hasn’t come back from the future yet to put down the guy who started this. The ice bucket challenge is now released into the general public consciousness like an aerosolized Axe Body Spray that can’t be put back in the bottle. It was neat, then it was funny, then it got old, now it’s Lady Gaga. This all happened in two weeks. It’s like America’s ebola. Quarantine, kill, bury, spray, move on.
Oh, but it’s raised $15 million. Fuck you. Write a check and stop putting yourself on camera. I challenge Stephen Hawking, Worf, son of Mogh, and the attractive one of the Cleveland kidnapping victims. Deploy!
By Lex August 12, 2014 @ 10:52 AM
I’m not sure what Lady Gaga turns into when she bursts out of her pupae, but I’m going to guess one very fat butterfly with floppy butterfly tits. Whatever they pay the team of eunuchs who re-costume Lady Gaga in between numbers, it’s not nearly enough. As her body continues to slide into Bosc shape, Sstretching those nylons and nettings and boudoir Spandex around her frame becomes an increasingly hazardous occupation. You get your finger caught in that Chinese trap and it’s not coming back. Ever. You’d have a safer workplace on a remote North Sea oil platform. You know, if you didn’t mind being gang raped each night after shift.
At the end of the day, looks aren’t want brings in the audience for Lady Gaga. It’s mostly social retardation and hallucinogens. Her army of cutters and anxiety medicated Breakfast Clubbers won’t abandon her simply because she’s slowly morphing into the Mayor of Toronto. They will abandon her because she keeps producing the same song over and over again.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI