By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 10:59 AM
When we talk shit about Europe, we’re really talking about France. The snide surrender monkeys who embody every snotty asshole in every 80′s John Hughes movie. If I could build a giant fist, I’d punch them all in their collective black turtlenecks. Barring that, we sent them Lady Gaga. She’s been moping around Paris the past several days like the chick so disillusioned with existence she quit the Goth club at school via Twitter. The French are only now re-visiting Lascaux and realizing how much Gaga resembles the Paleolithic vision of the angry forest deity who burns children’s eyes for cringing at her horrific looks. When she starts spewing lava from her ass there’s no amount of cleavage that will keep her from being referred to as one of the seventeen French names for God’s punishment for accepting Western capitalism.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex November 21, 2014 @ 8:36 AM
Lady Gaga got another ode to her monster fan meme tattooed near her tits so that men would reflexively be forced to see it. The singer only inks the left hemisphere of her frame, saving the right side for self-injuring cigarette burns and future organ donor markups. This whole Mother Monster and Little Monster online relationship could easily have gone off the rails into suicide cultish tangents but the poor physical conditioning and agoraphobia of her fan base has limited the mindless mob to overly aggressive Tweets. Their punishment is five years of their life spent listening to Lady Gaga music that they will never get back. That’s more than enough.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex October 08, 2014 @ 10:21 AM
Lady Gaga decided to dress up in matching pants-free outfits with her French bulldog so that late night comedians could think of several dozen jokes they won’t be allowed to put on air. Gaga has been receiving attention for her jazzy duet album with Tony Bennett who will now have to go to his grave knowing he recorded one album too many. According to people who love Lady Gaga, she’s reinvented herself yet another time. According to the rest of the world, they wish the next experiment will fail with some type of concussive explosion.
Photo Credit: INF
By Lex October 03, 2014 @ 11:40 AM
Lady Gaga connects with her fans by being completely unattractive to the opposite sex. Throwing on some chunk weight and having a monster claw tattooed onto your back can’t hurt. Apparently the claw is in the shape of the Little Monsters fan club hand gesture which mimics a distraught suburban girl turning on the bathtub to drown herself. Gaga called it a dedication to her fans. I’d call it yet another thing you’d have to put out of my mind if you’re her Chicago Fire boyfriend banging her from behind. It’s disheartening to see that being fugly and reworking Madonna songs isn’t enough anymore.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex September 23, 2014 @ 9:12 AM
I’m pretty sure Tony Bennett no longer knows precisely where he is. Dude’s nearing ninety and while he can still put out a few sweet notes, he has to be wondering who this topless skank is that keeps showing up to ruin his gigs. Sarah Vaughan always wore undergarments back in the day. I’d like to think after sixty years of success you wouldn’t have to duet with a chick who smells like feta just to nab a paycheck. If only younger Tony Bennett could’ve met older Tony Bennett in one of those planning for your financial future commercials. This picture alone would’ve sent young Tony Bennett to the bank to open up a savings account.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex September 18, 2014 @ 9:58 AM
Trannies are born with the instinct for a powerful entrance. Leaving the spotlight quietly, not so much. Lady Gaga channeled the Birth of Venus mixed with Fire Island glory hole trap when she arrived in Athens to help the Greeks forget about their bankruptcy and government employee riots for a while. The European continent is a time warp for flailing American and British music acts who can translate their downswings into three decade long tribute tours in nations where Members Only jackets are just coming into vogue. Lady Gaga may never leave the stage, but at least the lights are starting to dim.
Photo Credit: INF