By Lex June 09, 2015 @ 9:29 AM
Britain was aghast after Lady Gaga received Prince Harry following a charity show in London wearing nothing but her see-through stage costume. Also present in the meeting were Elton John and Tony Bennett, both of whom seemed oblivious to Gaga’s tits. Prince Harry took the whole moment in stride as a man does after he’s witnessed the murder of numerous Vegas hookers who just couldn’t keep their mouths shut. Gaga took to Instagram to reflect on the burden of her mortal tasks:
“During all the long car rides, I dream about my former life. Walking freely down the streets. And then, in a moment I am deeply grateful. With all this attention now, what will I say. How will I change the world. What will my music contribute to humanity,”
That’s a lot of weight to carry on your shoulders. Even Jesus caught a nap up on the cross. Don your most fabulous costumes and look to the Southern skies, The Rapture is coming. Ignore the fact that it sounds an awful lot like Madonna in the early 90′s.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex April 10, 2015 @ 9:29 AM
Lady Gaga got wicked fucking high and decided that healthy emotional expression in the high school classroom would be her new grail quest. Gaga is teaming up with Yale University where her music is still played by many in the theater department to survey high school students over their emotional experiences in school and how it can be improved. Once you give up on reading and writing and arithmetic, there’s a shitload of important topics our nation’s schools can be covering. Why is Bethany cutting? How come Sam screams when he pees? How do I feel when the cops arrest my gym teacher?
Gaga will host a professor and politician packed Emotional Revolution Summit in New Haven in October, marking perhaps the least anticipated event ever in human history. On the same day in Beijing, the Chinese are holding a summit on the best use of invisible fence collars to stimulate academic achievement in the engineering sciences. I can’t help but feel we’re being out-coached.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet/ WWTDD Archives
By Lex January 14, 2015 @ 10:30 AM
2014 was the year of Lady Gaga pretending she didn’t give a rat’s ass she was getting chunky. 2015 is the year she takes it all back with Bikram yoga and Photoshop. She posted a photo to Instagram touting her body overhaul. It’s possible floors and mirrors in the background warp themselves. It’s also possible Lady Gaga really is digging deep to impress her automaton army of cutters who last year she told she body shape wasn’t important. You start mixing messages to those lockstep malcontents and you might just start a riot. Thankfully, it’ll be exorcised entirely on Twitter and in the dressing rooms at Hot Topic where nineteen girls will shear off their long hair to spite their bio moms.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt December 09, 2014 @ 6:04 AM
Last week Lady Gaga went on Howard Stern, quickly ran out of amusing anecdotes and turned the conversation an an anonymous man in the music business who raped her when she was nineteen and just starting out. Mark Geragos is an attorney who represents celebrities of many ilk, whether they are claiming to have been raped or are factually documented rapists themselves, whichever proves to be more lucrative. In this instance he is representing Kesha, who is suing music producer Dr Luke for rape because he may or may not have raped her and also she wants out of her production contract with him. After Gaga went on Stern, Mark Geragos tweeted “Guess who the rapist was?” When someone suggested it was Luke, he responded with “#bingo.”
Clearly Geragos should be disbarred immediately and be given a panelist slot on Chelsea Handler’s supposedly upcoming show so he can spread bitchy rumors without any proof. He definitely has no business doing any lawyering, which is the case with most lawyers who have time to speak with Dr Drew about Amanda Bynes for an hour each morning. Dr. Luke decided to take matters into his own allegedly raping hands and order his lawyers to sue Geragos.
“Fueled by his insatiable desire for attention and malice towards [Luke], Geragos and his law firm have now made the horrific, outrageous and maliciously false assertion that [Luke] raped the world famous musical artist Lady Gaga. This time, Geragos has gone way too far with his arrogant and irresponsible conduct; he has lost all sense of ethics, propriety and decency.”
Good point. Too bad he throws bad ass cocktail parties and people in the legal field love him because they are crusty trolls and he knows celebrities. Anyone with the capability to appropriately ban him from court relishes the opportunity to hit the open bar at his Holiday Event and try to talk to Chris Brown with bad breath. Dr Luke should just join the party. It’s just a completely unfounded rape allegation. It probably gets no more than 5,000 words in Rolling Stone magazine loosely fact checked piece. Nothing to get upset about.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex December 04, 2014 @ 8:34 AM
Howard Stern doesn’t seem like the radio show where you confess to beng raped by a record producer as a young music artist. Almost all young music artists have been raped by record producers, but most don’t come out with it in front of Baba Booey. The music industry is littered with humorless outcasts who polite society has left behind. The ones with music talent start rock bands the ones without talent work the business side raping the rock bands. Figuratively, literally, anally. It’s an angry incestuous soap opera featuring really short guys in really fancy cars.
The Lady Gaga persona annoys most people who don’t favor vamp theatrics and flamboyant costumery. But there’s never really been anything personally buggy about Stefani whatever her real name is. She’s a performance artist. She’s good at it. I admire the part where she tells Howard she didn’t share her story before because she didn’t want everybody suggesting all of her creative anger and doleful verses were simply about her rape. Even though eighty-three percent of them are. Including Swine, the one she performed while on a mechanical bull playing drums as another performance artist puked paint on her during South by Southwest. It was like Splash Mountain, for cutters.
Lady Gaga won’t name the guy in the music business who raped her, but it wouldn’t hurt to grab up half the dudes in the industry, dress them in some ‘I Bitch Slapped Muhammad’ Beefy T’s, and air drop them into the ISIS hot zone. Reasonable chance we get the right guy. Either way, the birds sing just a little bit sweeter the next morning.
By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 10:59 AM
When we talk shit about Europe, we’re really talking about France. The snide surrender monkeys who embody every snotty asshole in every 80′s John Hughes movie. If I could build a giant fist, I’d punch them all in their collective black turtlenecks. Barring that, we sent them Lady Gaga. She’s been moping around Paris the past several days like the chick so disillusioned with existence she quit the Goth club at school via Twitter. The French are only now re-visiting Lascaux and realizing how much Gaga resembles the Paleolithic vision of the angry forest deity who burns children’s eyes for cringing at her horrific looks. When she starts spewing lava from her ass there’s no amount of cleavage that will keep her from being referred to as one of the seventeen French names for God’s punishment for accepting Western capitalism.
Photo Credit: Splash