Lance Bass To Make Indeterminate History

By Matt December 11, 2014 @ 7:38 AM

Lance

Lance Bass will marry his boyfriend Michael Turchin on a 90 minute E! Special called Lance Loves Michael: The Lance Bass Wedding. This will mark the first television broadcast of a celebrity wedding between two men. It will also lead to several heterosexual divorces if women insist their husbands watch with them. If you wondered who was wearing the assless chaps in this relationship just realize Bass named the wedding after himself. It’s always Lance Bass. Where Lance Bass wants to have dinner. What movie Lance Bass wants to see. What dumpster in Spanish Harlem Lance Bass wants to get blown behind while a bunch of street urchins pay to watch. In three years I hope to catch the bitter divorce when these two realize they got married because they were trending on Twitter and that E! would air a special of Mister T jerking off into a pitcher of Sunny D if it costs less than Sex in the City syndication broadcast fees.

Remember when Syndrome told Mr. Incredible, ‘When everyone’s super, no one will be’. Guess what Lance? Everybody’s gay now. You’re not special.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Don’t Go Gay Until You Call Lance

By Lex May 01, 2013 @ 5:59 PM


Jason Collins is the latest celebrity to call upon the gay wisdom of Lance Bass before coming out to the public. If you’re even thinking about switching teams, don’t make a move until you talk to Lance. Got cock on the mind — start dialing Lance right now! He’s come out, you know. He knows what it’s like. He has solid advice for you like, you can now tell Joey Fatone you didn’t really finger bang his little sister in the back of the bus, and, when Justin calls to lend his support, remind him that you were supposed to be doing this together. Also, Lance can get you on Kathy Griffin’s coffee klatch short list and a coming out speech punched up by Bruce Vilanch. Call now.