There are no nerds like Star Wars nerds. I think it might be their sheer number that put them atop the Chapstick smelling heap of whiny Internet geeks. They’re autonomic nervous system depends upon other people interpreting the Star Wars universe according to their personal biblical orthodoxy. But Disney is an even more powerful machine that Star Wars nerds or Jesus and they don’t give a fuck who cringes at the thought of a Boba Fett revealing himself to be a hot Hispanic actor trending big in key demographics. If Disney wants Qui-Gon to announce he’s polyamorous and supports transgendered rights, that’s going down. And it’s going down daily. Disney is now slated to produce something like forty-seven new Star Wars films. Sequels, prequels, and spin-offs. The dude who did Godzilla just got him one. So did the dude who’s doing Fantastic Four. J.J. Abrams is teasing fanboys online with his production slate and will not stop for fifteen more movies. The banker with big boobs George Lucas married last year is contractually obligated to helm the Housewives of Naboo hybrid reality series. And Disney has promised a Star Wars mini-series to Hezbollah if they agree to stop using Mickey Mouse in their kill-all-the-Jews training videos for children. Disney is going to give you Stars Wars until you can’t fucking stand it anymore. And then we’re all going to punch the first guy who stands up to announce he doesn’t recognize the Phantom Menace as valid lore.
Star Wars episode VII easily could have been hyped with a two-year long publicity campaign talking about a wonderful new era of science fiction that also pays deference to cinematic legend. But give credit to Disney for taking over the Star Wars franchise and being very forthright about how they intend to turn the cultural phenomenon into a total and utter piece of shit. Disney kicked off their Star Wars Is Going to Royally Suck awareness campaign by setting up an Instagram account for the sequel series and having Darth Vader post a kitschy selfie. It’s a very modern way to reinforce the sucky message. Sure, you could use a digitized version of Alec Guinness taking a crap into Carrie Fisher’s mouth, but that might actually give people the wrong impression that you’re trying to be interesting or innovative. Kudos to you Disney. You’re like that rare rapist who begs the authorities not to let him out of prison because he knows he’s dangerous.
LOUIS CK – has been witnessed peeping into windows and watching underage girls getting undressed, according to flyers posted in Huntington Beach. He’s not mentioned by name, so it may be a hoax or someone just used a picture that looked close enough, or maybe he really is doing it because how else are you supposed to watch underage girls take their clothes off? Most of them are so stuck-up they make a big deal out of everything. (huff post)
ASHTON KUTCHER – plays Ashton Kutcher in a parking garage in this first clip from the movie about Steve Jobs. It is not good. If I were the producer, I’d see if it was too late to dig Jobs up and work him around like a marionette. (mtv)
JJ ABRAMS – will direct ‘Star Wars: Episode VII’, the first Star Wars movie since Disney bought the rights for the franchise from George Lucas in October. So the first Star Wars movie with a chance of being good since ‘Empire Strikes Back’ in 1980. I just hope he doesn’t set the whole thing in space again. I mean we’ve already seen that like a million times. (la times)
KANYE WEST – went to the Martin Margiela show last night as part of Paris Fashion Week, but he should wear this outfit back in New York too. It’s a black guy with a ski mask cut by hand and pulling his coat closed as if he’s hiding something. What could possibly go wrong? (image source = fame/flynet)
Matthew Vaughn is kinda flaky, so it wasn’t all that weird when he stepped away from directing the sequel to ‘X-Men First Class’ 2 weeks ago (he was quickly replaced by Bryan Singer). It will be even less weird if todays rumor from Collider is true and he did it because he was offered the job to direct ‘Star Wars: Episode 7′.
And though he’s a great director and would be a terrific choice, it’s still just a rumor for now. And now, we play the Waiting Game. (pause) Aw, the Waiting Game sucks. Let’s play Hungry Hungry Hippos!
It’s awesome that Red Letters ‘Star Wars’ prequel reviews have gone viral in the past view days, because he LOL’ingly points out (in a review that’s longer than the movie) that George Lucas is a retard who has no idea WTF he’s doing. ‘Empire Strikes Back’ is the main reason people love ‘Star Wars’, and that’s the only one Lucas didn’t write or direct.
And it’s a good thing, because when Lucas gets involved, shit like this happens:
In the latest attempt to wring every possible cent out of Star Wars, the head Jedi has announced plans to spin off an untitled animated comedy series that “will look at the saga’s characters with a playful and irreverent tone,” per Lucasfilm.
Helping to oversee the hijinks will be former Scoobster Seth Green, who’s earned Emmy nods for spoofing the Skywalker gang in his Robot Chicken.
“It’s crazy to think that there aren’t normal, mundane everyday problems in a world so well-defined,” says Green, hinting at the show’s premise. “What do these characters do when they’re not overthrowing Empires?”
Yeah, because that’s the interesting part about a Jedis life. The everyday stuff. The movies never really explained what would happen if Luke ever forgot his anniversary, or if Han Solo and Chewbacca opened a restaurant. It kinda wrecked the whole movie because I didn’t know.