When the World First Learned that Kylo Ren Was Gay

By Lex December 23, 2015 @ 12:59 PM

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Homophobes used to hang their hat on the fact that the gay gene would eventually perish since same sex couples couldn’t reproduce. That point of view lacked logical consistency, historical reflection, and an appreciation for the emerging science of growing babies in petri dishes. All of which explains why new Star Wars villain Kylo Ren is super fucking gay.

There have been a number of memes popping up on the Internet dedicated to Kylo Ren as an emotionally fey bad guy in Star Wars, the Force Awakens. Nobody’s yet labeled him specifically homosexual. Though the three words most commonly used to describe his character is petulant, teary, and vain. And he doesn’t seem to have a girlfriend. And he hates his masculine dad. Also, the mask. Very dramatic. It’s unclear when or how his sexuality will be outed and embraced by the First Order. The betting line says Episode IX. There’s no reason why emotionally retarded mass murdering pretty Siths can’t be gay. Star Wars has always been a step ahead on social progression. Good luck getting a wedding cake on Naboo.

Photo Credit: Disney/Star Wars

Princess Leia Is Nuts And Shit Around The Web

By Michael December 15, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Small understated indie film Star Wars: The Force Awakens premiered last night in Hollywood. The best part of the event was the expletive laced madness of Carrie Fisher on the red carpet. She’s delightfully insane.

No, but seriously. They do electroshock on her. (TMZ)

Suzy Cortez is your new Miss Bumbum Brazil. (Last Men On Earth)

Kate England is topless in Miami because why not? (Egotastic All-Stars)

Miranda Kerr is buck ass naked for Harper’s Bazaar Australia. (Drunken Stepfather)

No nerd girl I know looks like these chicks. (The Chive)

I’d like to unwrap Ashley James under my Christmas tree. (Hollywood Tuna)

Elsa Hosk bikinis like no other. (Popoholic)

Disney Has a Star Wars Movie Breaching Every Ten Minutes

By Lex June 05, 2014 @ 4:39 PM

JJ Abrams Responds To Leaks 'Star Wars' Photos
There are no nerds like Star Wars nerds. I think it might be their sheer number that put them atop the Chapstick smelling heap of whiny Internet geeks. They’re autonomic nervous system depends upon other people interpreting the Star Wars universe according to their personal biblical orthodoxy. But Disney is an even more powerful machine that Star Wars nerds or Jesus and they don’t give a fuck who cringes at the thought of a Boba Fett revealing himself to be a hot Hispanic actor trending big in key demographics. If Disney wants Qui-Gon to announce he’s polyamorous and supports transgendered rights, that’s going down. And it’s going down daily. Disney is now slated to produce something like forty-seven new Star Wars films. Sequels, prequels, and spin-offs. The dude who did Godzilla just got him one. So did the dude who’s doing Fantastic Four. J.J. Abrams is teasing fanboys online with his production slate and will not stop for fifteen more movies. The banker with big boobs George Lucas married last year is contractually obligated to helm the Housewives of Naboo hybrid reality series. And Disney has promised a Star Wars mini-series to Hezbollah if they agree to stop using Mickey Mouse in their kill-all-the-Jews training videos for children. Disney is going to give you Stars Wars until you can’t fucking stand it anymore. And then we’re all going to punch the first guy who stands up to announce he doesn’t recognize the Phantom Menace as valid lore.

Photo Credit: JJ Abrams/Twitter

Disney Being Upfront About Shitting on Star Wars

By Lex December 04, 2013 @ 7:10 PM

Star Wars episode VII easily could have been hyped with a two-year long publicity campaign talking about a wonderful new era of science fiction that also pays deference to cinematic legend. But give credit to Disney for taking over the Star Wars franchise and being very forthright about how they intend to turn the cultural phenomenon into a total and utter piece of shit. Disney kicked off their Star Wars Is Going to Royally Suck awareness campaign by setting up an Instagram account for the sequel series and having Darth Vader post a kitschy selfie. It’s a very modern way to reinforce the sucky message. Sure, you could use a digitized version of Alec Guinness taking a crap into Carrie Fisher’s mouth, but that might actually give people the wrong impression that you’re trying to be interesting or innovative. Kudos to you Disney. You’re like that rare rapist who begs the authorities not to let him out of prison because he knows he’s dangerous.

Friday Morning Headlines

By brendon January 25, 2013 @ 11:53 AM

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LOUIS CK – has been witnessed peeping into windows and watching underage girls getting undressed, according to flyers posted in Huntington Beach. He’s not mentioned by name, so it may be a hoax or someone just used a picture that looked close enough, or maybe he really is doing it because how else are you supposed to watch underage girls take their clothes off? Most of them are so stuck-up they make a big deal out of everything. (huff post)

ASHTON KUTCHER – plays Ashton Kutcher in a parking garage in this first clip from the movie about Steve Jobs. It is not good. If I were the producer, I’d see if it was too late to dig Jobs up and work him around like a marionette. (mtv)

JJ ABRAMS – will direct ‘Star Wars: Episode VII’, the first Star Wars movie since Disney bought the rights for the franchise from George Lucas in October. So the first Star Wars movie with a chance of being good since ‘Empire Strikes Back’ in 1980. I just hope he doesn’t set the whole thing in space again. I mean we’ve already seen that like a million times. (la times)

KANYE WEST – went to the Martin Margiela show last night as part of Paris Fashion Week, but he should wear this outfit back in New York too. It’s a black guy with a ski mask cut by hand and pulling his coat closed as if he’s hiding something. What could possibly go wrong? (image source = fame/flynet)

‘Star Wars: Episode 7′ may already have a director

By brendon November 05, 2012 @ 7:44 PM

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Matthew Vaughn is kinda flaky, so it wasn’t all that weird when he stepped away from directing the sequel to ‘X-Men First Class’ 2 weeks ago (he was quickly replaced by Bryan Singer). It will be even less weird if todays rumor from Collider is true and he did it because he was offered the job to direct ‘Star Wars: Episode 7′.

And though he’s a great director and would be a terrific choice, it’s still just a rumor for now. And now, we play the Waiting Game. (pause) Aw, the Waiting Game sucks. Let’s play Hungry Hungry Hippos!