Taylor Swift Disappoints (VIDEO)

By Lex September 28, 2015 @ 6:34 AM

Taylor Swift fans are disheartened their infallible deity was dramatically out performed in a guest duet by Mick Jagger summoned from his ancient tomb only moments before going on stage. Objective onlookers agreed that the ancient Jagger was also more fuckable and didn’t need to wear high waisted pants to hide his hippy figure. Taylor Swift trots out an assortment of celebrity guests every venue because even twelve year olds know that seeing a gangly chick with giant teeth and a limited vocal range isn’t worth the tremendous Ticketmaster service charges. It’s time for Taylor Swift to come out from behind the Oz-like smoke and vocal assists and start handing out gifts. Cheap medallions with incredulous origin stories won’t cut it. Toss cash and apologies. You had a solid run. Leave while really impressionable tweens who struggle with mathematics still have you on top. There’s always the comeback tour.

Taylor Swift Fire Alarm Scare (VIDEO)

By Lex September 14, 2015 @ 7:19 AM

Taylor Swift Fire Alarm Scare
Taylor Swift survived more scary shit that didn’t actually happen when some weisenheimer pulled the fire alarm at her Houston concert venue when it was announced Wiz Khalifa would be performing as a special guest. That shit doesn’t fly in Texas. Call it brain dead racism. It means less Wiz Khalifa.

Taylor did want all dullards Millennials raised on social media do during a time of alarm and crisis, she started filming herself during the arena evacuation. The center of the universe must be documented. Swift’s mom is heard in the background begging her daughter to put on some real clothes on before exiting the building because offering motherly advice a decade too late seemed appropriate. Keep trying, karma. You’re getting warmer.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Taylor Swift Selling Penis Lip Balm

By Lex September 08, 2015 @ 3:12 PM


(editor’s note: had to change the photo because the baby penis lip balm people got sensitive. Google Taylor Swift penis lip balm if you dare.)

Somebody at the polyethylene manufacturing planet in Guangdong played a trick on Taylor Swift by rotocasting her a lip balm in the shape of a baby penis. Watch America’s G-rated sweetheart rub baby penis all over her lips and coo about the benefits. Very funny, Fong. Taylor Swift isn’t just a super popular racist singer putting on a retarded high school teen act, she is America. You trick America into rubbing baby penis balm on its lips, you get the Pacific Fleet. Somebody tell the eleven hot girls in China to duck.

Photo Credit: Eos

Cecil the Lion Returns from the Dead to Eat Black Hating Taylor Swift

By Lex September 07, 2015 @ 7:11 AM


Taylor Swift is taking heat from people she will someday own as human pets for her Wildest Dream music video which depicts a romantic fantasy she has of Africa without any black people. Lake Victoria is lovely in the summer without the negroes to ruin it. Taylor Swift has a history of making music videos with an all white cast because white people are better dancers and more musically inclined. Numerous junior pop singers are jumping to Swift’s defense because she’s the cappo di tutti capi of the teen girl music market. Don’t come to Taylor Swift for a favor without having offered one yourself. Alli Simpson who is a real life Australian teenager and sister of somebody famous dug super deep:

Taylor Swift is like the most genuine girl and she just loves everybody for who they are and I don’t think she would ever have that thought. She wouldn’t even think about that.

Having once passed Taylor Swift backstage at an event, Simpson seems like the best character witness. I once caught sight of Jerry Sandusky on the sideline of a Penn State football game and his cock wasn’t forcibly planted into any boy rectum. I call bullshit. Nobody believes Taylor Swift is a racist because that would presume there’s something interesting about her. At worst she’s walking this earth in peace trying to leave a minimal carbon footprint, minus the fleet of jets. Haters gonna hate hate hate. Hire some black backup dancers before the inspection. This can be fixed.

Taylor Swift Makes A Toot And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 01, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


America’s sweetheart Taylor Swift let out a big old fart on the air during the MTV broadcast of the VMAs. It seems she does share some normal human function. Though mostly just the farting, along with some jealousy, hatred, and vaginal dryness.

Watch Taylor cut the cheese. (The Superficial)

Camille Rowe is topless in a sexy Polaroid. (Egotastic All-Stars)

Jessica Simpson’s tits are still fucking awesome. (Drunken Stepfather)

Paris Hilton is available for your kid’s party. (TMZ)

Sarah Harding’s camel toe performed on stage. (Hollywood Tuna)

Keeley Hazell shows off her tits and ass on Instagram. (Popoholic)

Girls tugging on their clothes makes my winer happy. (The Chive)

The Tits Of The VMAs

By Lex August 31, 2015 @ 11:48 AM

Miley Cyrus 2015 MTV VMAS
Nothing says pay no attention to the crappy music in the background like taped up, strung up, and largely revealed tits. Stop looking at my cold sores. Have you seen my tits? Last nights VMAs set a new record for tits. Singers showed off their tits. Actresses showed off their tits. Whatever Chrissy Teigen is showed off her tits. Britney Spears tits were so dominant hardly anybody noticed Kuato emerging from her knees. Who dies next on MTV? Nobody with tits if everything is running smoothly.

Photo Credit: Getty