After a 2013 summer concert stop Taylor Swift told everybody that Denver country music radio DJ David Mueller lifted her skirt and grabbed her ass during a photo op backstage. At the time everybody laughed it off because Taylor Swift has no ass. Also, grabbers gonna grab. Mueller was promptly fired from his radio gig because gone are the days when you can high five the dude at the office who goosed Taylor Swift. Last month Mueller filed a civil suit against Swift saying he was wrongly accused. This week Swift’s attorneys filed a countersuit claiming that Swift is one-hundred totes percent sure Mueller touched her inappropriately leaving her “surprised, upset, offended, and alarmed”. Though she conceded the ass-grabber was likely left “confused, questioning, sad, and disappointed.”
Mueller’s case seems rather weak. Even his defense theory:
Mueller contends that Swift was indeed assaulted, but blames his superior, Eddie Haskell, a program director at KYGO.
Eddie Haskell got you into trouble? Really?
If there’s a lesson to be learned here, it’s don’t fuck with Taylor Swift. She’s rich and powerful and will hurt you until you bleed through your notes. In song or in court. David Muller, you’ve been served a little Swift justice! Does it taste like vitamin pills?
Taylor Swift’s 1989 Tour of North America has grossed $173 million the past four months and isn’t yet over. This means Swift is set to surpass the devil’s fracking operations and win the golden totem. Also she can now bribe the IOC to have the summer Olympics in her backyard. The female athlete only slumber parties will be wicked. Taylor Swift can’t sing or dance or relate to people or act sexy and isn’t particularly good looking and has a Bosc shaped body but somehow pulls in Indian casino type dollars as an entertainer. It’d be easy to hate her. But even easier to pretend to be her friend to get ridiculously expensive best platonic buddies day presents. My $173 million isn’t coming any time soon. I’d giggle at her silly cat names for gifts.
In response to her boyfriend choosing anonymous old Asian lady hands to service his DJ wiener, Taylor Swift went out and made the most incredibly alluring pictorial she’s ever done before while still wearing appropriate undergarments that well cover her baby bearing hips. It’s like a wet t-shirt contest at church. Second place gets a picnic set. First place goes to hell. For men who love amazing hair, this will be your gold medal. Calvin Harris, do you see what you’re missing? Well, ask him that when he’s done with his Golden Lucky 37 Surprise.
Taylor Swift is splitting with the world’s highest paid DJ Calvin Harris because he got a rub and tug massage for two hours at a Thai parlor on Sunset. Calvin Harris claims he’s innocent because he’s British and thinks he can get away with shit by using his authoritative accent. I even believed Gary Glitter for a nanosecond. Nobody goes into a Thai massage storefront for sore shoulders unless that’s where your body is storing backed up jizz. Two hours probably means mom and daughter were brought in to go deep on the guy who’s rich for no apparent reason.
Harris might’ve gotten away with it if he wasn’t dating the single most untrusting girlfriend on the planet. Taylor Swift has made her entire music library and sympathetic persona off of being the cheated on girlfriend. If you don’t respond to texts within eleven seconds with a smiley face emoji her Paypal account triggers twenty grand to four former KGB assassins tasked with murdering you. They can’t be recalled. It’s a failsafe. Mommy needs to make more music. Stupid men.
Taylor Swift fans are disheartened their infallible deity was dramatically out performed in a guest duet by Mick Jagger summoned from his ancient tomb only moments before going on stage. Objective onlookers agreed that the ancient Jagger was also more fuckable and didn’t need to wear high waisted pants to hide his hippy figure. Taylor Swift trots out an assortment of celebrity guests every venue because even twelve year olds know that seeing a gangly chick with giant teeth and a limited vocal range isn’t worth the tremendous Ticketmaster service charges. It’s time for Taylor Swift to come out from behind the Oz-like smoke and vocal assists and start handing out gifts. Cheap medallions with incredulous origin stories won’t cut it. Toss cash and apologies. You had a solid run. Leave while really impressionable tweens who struggle with mathematics still have you on top. There’s always the comeback tour.