If you’re thinking Taylor Swift looks like the submissive girlfriend then you’re falling into the same demon hole this poor Scottish fuck is currently descending. His name is Adam, he calls himself Calvin and he’s at the forefront of electroclash music whatever the hell that musical abortion is.
Through all his DJ equipment and Casio keyboard plugins Calvin can’t see the bear trap that is the Taylor Swift vagina. I think I’ll just slide myself into… SNAP! Fuck! Four days later the morphine drip wears off and you wake up in a hospital checking out the haggis that used to be your cock as a hit song plays on the radio calling you an asshole. Household cleaners come with multiple bold letter warnings. Girlfriends come with jack shit. This is called natural selection. Second base is the furthest from home. There is no analogy in cricket. You’re already dead.
I’m feeling super positive today. I think it’s the GMOs in my seal pup jerky. If that Britney Spears and Australian Albino clusterfuck music video is the new pop baseline, this Bad Blood music video from Taylor Swift featuring half of the in-shape women in Hollywood is pretty damn amazing.
I think we got problems
I wish we could solve them
Right, don’t listen to it. Just watch. It’s clear this super tall rich chipmunk is the girl who throws the pajama parties all the good looking girls and also Lena Dunham go to. Those mythical events I always dreamed about while blasting Def Leppard with my door locked. I just assumed like virgin Puerto Rican girls or lazy Koreans they were just urban legend. No so. All the girls are here and making millions. Watch the video thrice then return to Twitter to echo some shit about women not getting paid in Hollywood.
These long legged gal pals spent their mother day on a long hike through the canyons of Beverly Hills. Gigi Hadid’s mother is bed ridden from celebrity lyme disease while Taylor Swift had her mom blinded for looking at her wrong in ’09. They were all alone. But they had each other. And a muscle bound bodyguard who trailed them the entire day checking out their asses assured his career regrets could be salved if one or both of them decided to hate fuck him in the trees. Life can be beautiful when girls act out in ways other than merely refusing food.
America’s evil sweetheart Taylor Swift was seen kissing techno DJ Calvin Harris at a Kenny Chesney concert. Calvin Harris probably doesn’t know it yet, but there is no waving your hands in the air like you just don’t care in living hell.
See Swift and Harris doing something at Chesney’s shitty show. (TMZ)
Jessica Alba and Chrissy Teigen go splashy splashy in bikinis. (Huffington Post)
Zayn Malik said he left One Direction because they weren’t, like, real anymore. Were they ever? (Dlisted)
This is Gracie Chavers and her Instagram is pretty hot. (COED)
If you eat a Doritos encrusted meat on a stick at an MLB game your colon will never recover. (Busted Coverage)
Hot chicks in yoga pants. That is all. (The Chive)
Bella Thorne forgets her shirt while out on the town. (Popoholic)
Starting in June you will be able to buy Internet domain names ending in .porn, .sucks, .adult and 547 other options to guarantee you a great story to tell the guy trying to fix the malware on your computer. The move comes in response to the pleas of parents who claim adult content needs to be separate from the mainstream internet and coincidentally also work for Comcast. Taylor Swift has jumped ahead of the demand for fake novelty content and purchased the domains TaylorSwift.adult and TaylorSwift.porn. It is unclear if she is going to fill these sites with photoshopped images of herself blowing a midget but the smart money says not. I suppose this is a smart move if you don’t have much of a sense of humor. I’m pretty sure TaylorSwiftGangBang.porn is still available or countless other options if you apply your imagination. Or you could just use Google Images. That’s assuming you want to see Taylor Swift’s head on a porn star’s body while she gets railed by a footlong. I never did. Until now. It’s a rabbit hole. Bring on the domains!
Jaime King suffered three hundred and forty seven miscarriages to bring her latest baby to fruition. One could take the gestational hardship as a sign that it was time to click out to MalawiBabiesNow.com. Or that Taylor Swift would come to lay hands upon her unborn child and announce the Dark Lord of Allentown Adjacent was pleased indeed. King and Swift announced on Instagram that Swift would be named godmother and false humility coach to King’s soon to be baby boy. Tyler Perry already snatched up Oprah so if you’re looking for the $200 million in the bank club, you’re down to Taylor Swift or Shelly Sterling, and Shelly Sterling can’t turn the Hokey Pokey with different words into a platinum selling single.