Taylor Swift posted her first Instagram with her new boyfriend Calvin Harris, the modern day equivalent of commitment. It used to be anal on your wedding night. We’re living in strange times. Harris is a Scottish guy who found moderate success as a performer and record producer and has since moved onto being a DJ, proving he sucked at the other things. Being a DJ entails treacherous work such as having to press play on an iPod and occasionally smell buttons which were touched by Paris Hilton. You also have to learn how to wear one headphone and bob your head out of synch. It’s akin to chewing gum and walking at the same time except you make a hundred grand a show for reasons which will never fully be explained but people on drugs sometimes lack judgement. It seems like they’re having a good time and I wish them luck. Who’s going to be the first one to get drunk and fuck the pool toy?
If you’re thinking Taylor Swift looks like the submissive girlfriend then you’re falling into the same demon hole this poor Scottish fuck is currently descending. His name is Adam, he calls himself Calvin and he’s at the forefront of electroclash music whatever the hell that musical abortion is.
Through all his DJ equipment and Casio keyboard plugins Calvin can’t see the bear trap that is the Taylor Swift vagina. I think I’ll just slide myself into… SNAP! Fuck! Four days later the morphine drip wears off and you wake up in a hospital checking out the haggis that used to be your cock as a hit song plays on the radio calling you an asshole. Household cleaners come with multiple bold letter warnings. Girlfriends come with jack shit. This is called natural selection. Second base is the furthest from home. There is no analogy in cricket. You’re already dead.
I’m feeling super positive today. I think it’s the GMOs in my seal pup jerky. If that Britney Spears and Australian Albino clusterfuck music video is the new pop baseline, this Bad Blood music video from Taylor Swift featuring half of the in-shape women in Hollywood is pretty damn amazing.
I think we got problems
I wish we could solve them
Right, don’t listen to it. Just watch. It’s clear this super tall rich chipmunk is the girl who throws the pajama parties all the good looking girls and also Lena Dunham go to. Those mythical events I always dreamed about while blasting Def Leppard with my door locked. I just assumed like virgin Puerto Rican girls or lazy Koreans they were just urban legend. No so. All the girls are here and making millions. Watch the video thrice then return to Twitter to echo some shit about women not getting paid in Hollywood.
These long legged gal pals spent their mother day on a long hike through the canyons of Beverly Hills. Gigi Hadid’s mother is bed ridden from celebrity lyme disease while Taylor Swift had her mom blinded for looking at her wrong in ’09. They were all alone. But they had each other. And a muscle bound bodyguard who trailed them the entire day checking out their asses assured his career regrets could be salved if one or both of them decided to hate fuck him in the trees. Life can be beautiful when girls act out in ways other than merely refusing food.
America’s evil sweetheart Taylor Swift was seen kissing techno DJ Calvin Harris at a Kenny Chesney concert. Calvin Harris probably doesn’t know it yet, but there is no waving your hands in the air like you just don’t care in living hell.
See Swift and Harris doing something at Chesney’s shitty show. (TMZ)
Jessica Alba and Chrissy Teigen go splashy splashy in bikinis. (Huffington Post)
Zayn Malik said he left One Direction because they weren’t, like, real anymore. Were they ever? (Dlisted)
This is Gracie Chavers and her Instagram is pretty hot. (COED)
If you eat a Doritos encrusted meat on a stick at an MLB game your colon will never recover. (Busted Coverage)
Hot chicks in yoga pants. That is all. (The Chive)
Bella Thorne forgets her shirt while out on the town. (Popoholic)