Taylor Swift Is Good Wool

By Matt January 26, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

Swift

Taylor Swift is on vacation in Maui with three reasonably hot chicks that she paid to come along with so she’d look normal. I really thought this only happened in the movies. It’s not clear at which point some grizzly guy with a machete will start offing them one by one once they accidentally stumble into a cave. I hope they can avoid the situation but the stats don’t lie. God I bet they tried those bathing suits on in front of each other whilst giggling. Swift obviously told the girls they’d have to share the suite because it was the last room in the house before breaking out the black Sharpie. That faked phone call is getting me all hot and bothered. It’s the slow season. These young women are thirty margaritas and a Skinemax away from the best thing that’s ever happened to them. How much are tickets, it’s worth a shot in the dark. What happens in Maui stays in the 808. Spread ‘em.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Taylor Swift Sells Incredible Things

By Lex January 23, 2015 @ 1:00 PM

Stills From Taylor Swifts Fragrance Commercial Incredible Things
Taylor Swift has a new fragrance. As you can imagine, it’s just as irrepressibly fresh and flirty and fun as she is. With just a hint of cat pee and Sara Lee cheesecake bites to remind you of your own special destiny. It’s also based on her favorite watercolor hues and a bunch of other things that actually aren’t related to smell unless you’re tripping pretty hard.

The fragrances before this represented love. This fragrance represents life.
– Taylor Swift making shut up about her new perfume.

That seems like a heavy burden for a bunch of aromas concocted in a factory just north of Elko. I wouldn’t expect my scented Mitchum roll-on to represent life or friendship. Maybe just justice or fair trade or something do-able. Taylor Swift isn’t just a transformative music artist, she’s a brand who is going to suck the ever living soul out of your parent’s pocketbook. Because she can. And deep down, you want her too.

Photo Credit: Taylor Swift “Incredible Things”

Taylor Swift Pays the Bills (VIDEO)

By Lex January 14, 2015 @ 2:15 PM

Nothing really compares to the pure joy of watching a chick way too old to be a Taylor Swift fan crying because Taylor sent her $1900 to pay off her student loans. Right off the bat, if you’re burdened by $1900 in student loans that indicates ‘some junior college’. $1900 buys you three days at Harvard, and that’s without a tour of all the nearby spots where Mark Wahlberg used to club the foreign born. The out of work journalism majors from Syracuse are going to toss their $50k debt notes at you and laugh you out of their Occupy Wall Street reunions. Really, you couldn’t maybe find a way to raise $1900. I don’t know, maybe a job. Or suffocating a great aunt or something.

I blame mom for filming this. We live in an era when everybody wants their kids’ most base accomplishments splashed all over social media. You’re aware the LIKES might be coming with a muttering of ‘I feel sorry for Barb and her retard daughter’, but still, it’s adulation. In this instance, mom needs to assess the situation a tad bit deeper. This kind of legacy video content doesn’t go away. Let me see, do I want to hire you, Rebekah? I see here you’re an avid Taylor Swift fan who tweets saccharine praise and horrid poetry eighty-nine times a day. Also, oh, here’s you weeping like a baby child when Taylor’s PR firm sent you cash and gifts to shut the fuck up. Welcome to McDonald’s! Grab a plastic apron, I’d expect you’ll be here a while.

Taylor Swift Shall Overcome

By Lex December 03, 2014 @ 9:05 AM

Taylor Swift Performs In Wonderbra At Victoria Secrect Fashion Show In London
It’s easy to denigrate Taylor Swift. It’s far harder to look deep into the soul of a young woman and see a maturing artist struggling to define her persona. I think. I was mostly looking at her tits. And wondering if she’s getting it on with that tall anorexic model chick she bunks with after workouts most evenings. Taylor obviously took the criticism from last year that she didn’t belong on a lingerie show runway by wearing some intimate apparel Angie Dickinson once donned in seventeen different movies in the 1960′s. She’s got a better body than most women, yet there remains something childish about her that keeps the pastor dad from 7th Heaven asking her if she wants a cookie and to help him make his magic wand grow. Next year I’d go with some crotchless panties and a Slayer concert tee. It’ll seem more natural.

Photo Credit: INF/Getty/AKM-GSI

Taylor Swift Pulls Power Move

By Matt December 03, 2014 @ 6:49 AM

Hart

Taylor Swift has reportedly blacklisted Victoria’s Secret model Jessica Hart from their annual Parade of hot chicks prancing around in stupid shit. This comes after Hart made some disparaging comments about her, according to an anonymous Insider who could easily be a bored coked up janitor who works for the venue:

“No one can know that Taylor requested Ms. Hart not be in the show; they want to keep that under wraps but that’s the facts.”

Swift lip synched a few numbers at last year’s display, and following her performance Hart was asked if she thought Swift had the talent to make it as a Victoria’s Secret girl:

“No… I think, you know what, god bless her heart. I think she’s great. But, I don’t know, to me, she didn’t fit.”

That might seem tame but represents the first complete sentence Hart has ever spoken. For Swift it must be rough. You’re used to being the hot chick all the gay guys fawn over and one night a year you’re the ugliest and most talented person in the room. Being hot and mostly useless outside of your renowned walking ability is a much better way of life. Hart underestimated Swift’s dark side. They always hate you because you’re beautiful.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Taylor Swift Wins All 27 American Music Awards

By Lex November 24, 2014 @ 8:56 AM

Taylor-Swift-Wins-and-AMA-Award

I had to drink a lot to put down that show. I’m just glad Dick Clark is dead so he didn’t have to see the abomination his American Music Awards have remained. It’s a collection of the most popular music artists pretending they didn’t know they were going to be handed acrylic obelisks of Ra as part of the deal their agents negotiated for their show appearance. Fuck me, did I win? You are the greatest fans in the world. That was the show. There had been speculation over whether or not Jennifer Lopez and that albino rapper from Australia would show too much ass on stage but ABC covered it up with red striped spots that made it about as dirty as trying to watch free Skinemax back in the day through wavy lines.

Jennifer-Lopez-and-Iggy-Azalea-at-the-AMA-Awards

If I were scoring this award show on a scale of 1 to 10, I’d give it a good kick in the cunt and subtract eleven. That’s three hours of my life I can’t get back. Sorry, kids I read to in the homeless shelter.