America’s sweetheart Taylor Swift let out a big old fart on the air during the MTV broadcast of the VMAs. It seems she does share some normal human function. Though mostly just the farting, along with some jealousy, hatred, and vaginal dryness.
Nothing says pay no attention to the crappy music in the background like taped up, strung up, and largely revealed tits. Stop looking at my cold sores. Have you seen my tits? Last nights VMAs set a new record for tits. Singers showed off their tits. Actresses showed off their tits. Whatever Chrissy Teigen is showed off her tits. Britney Spears tits were so dominant hardly anybody noticed Kuato emerging from her knees. Who dies next on MTV? Nobody with tits if everything is running smoothly.
Taylor Swift’s world tour marketed to 12 year old chicks and incompetent fathers is basically a classier and less rapey version of one of those roofless celebrity watching vans that patrol the streets of Hollywood looking for discarded bakery items and a guy who looks like Jeff Daniels. Was that him? Or a dentist. Maybe it was Bill Pullman. Fuck it when is Disneyland I’ve got to blow half my salary to prove the kids love me. Even the fat one. To date Swift has paraded the following celebrity guests on stage with her: Selena Gomez, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Tedder, Ellen DeGeneres, Kobe Bryant, Natalie Maines, Lisa Kudrow, Uzo Aduba, Alanis Morisette, John Legend, Beck, St Vincent, Mary J Blige, Chris Rock, Matt LeBlanc, and Mark Hamill.
For perspective on how ridiculous this is, only Hamill was a joke. Clearly there’s a pecking order. When’s Indianapolis, let’s chopper in Emilio Estevez. We can’t get him? Howie Mandel. We can’t get him, Dave Thomas. He’s dead? Chris Kattan. Tell Springsteen we had to cancel, we just confirmed Eli Manning. Are you paying these people and how many of these songs have you rehearsed? Is this about the music or about sight gags for an otherwise unwatchable show? Will people remember any of your songs or is the water cooler talk purely LeBlanc? What the fuck is happening? Nice body type though.
The ‘hey, look who’s here tonight’ guest singers list at Taylor Swift events has picked up to about thirty per evening. It’s been stale since Bruce Springsteen pulled Courteney Cox up on stage in the 80′s pretending she was plucked out of the crowd. Taylor Swift’s latest show featured duets with Selena Gomez, the both of them dressed in your grandpa’s vintage underwear lest you get a PG-rated boner, Lisa Kudrow singing Smelly Cat, Barbara Streissand crooning The Way We Were through a mic in her vagina, and the corpse of Liberace telling Taylor Swift she doesn’t need a man to be happy. And lots of strutting. The audience is filled with screaming young girls and their dads wondering if for $300 they’re going to get anything measurably decent for their spank bank. It’s a circus of tears and lip-synched shame that brings in half a million a night. Okay, the boots are nice. Deposit.
When I was in high school feminism had a voice in the screechy pissed off songs of Alanis Morissette. When Alanis joined Taylor Swift of all people on stage to sing “You Oughta Know” I think she’s pretty much given up. We won, guys.