Taylor Swift Shakes It All Off

By Lex October 24, 2014 @ 10:06 AM

Taylor Swift Wears Bra And Leggings While Performing On Jimmy Kimmel Live
People got kind of pissed last night when Hollywood Boulevard got shut down for a Taylor Swift outdoor pop performance for Jimmy Kimmel. Even the ex-con costumed characters agreed to stop fighting over turf and come together in their hatred toward Taylor Swift for crapping out their unlicensed panhandling for an evening. In your face pedo-Chewbacca, according to Taylor Swift, her music and her muse is currently all about telling the haters that they can’t touch her or the camel toe she was flashing:

“You know what? If you’re upset and irritated that I’m just being myself, I’m going to be myself more, and I’m having more fun than you so it doesn’t matter.”

I’m pretty sure she borrowed eloquence from Dr. King on that one. Taylor’s ‘I don’t care’ attitude is an evolution from her ‘why is everybody picking on me’ doctrine of previous years. It signals she’s made the leap from grammar school to middle school thinking which should please her developmental therapist. As for me, I just like when the music stops and the bad people and their traffic go away.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/PacificCoastNews/AKM-GSI

Taylor Swift Has New Tits and a Tumblr Account

By Lex September 16, 2014 @ 11:50 AM

Taylor Swift Wears Crop Top And Mini Skirt While Walking In NYC
The lingering utility of social media is for radicalized Islamic terrorists to recruit disaffected Muslim teens and for young girls to get a chance to pretend Taylor Swift give a shit about them. Other than that, it’s trolls and Michelle Obama telling you to eat your vegetables like a Mr. T reboot. Taylor Swift has just moved onto Tumblr to symbolize the ultimate pointlessness of that social media network as well. She’s pretending she doesn’t have a sizable publicity and media team that runs her social blog. She’s asking her fans a bunch of basic questions on how to set up her Tumblr page. And, tens of thousands are responding, because the eleven year old C-student mind is still oblivious to the commercial ruse.

It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that Taylor Swift does spend many of her late evenings on her laptop cruising around the Internet. But she’s not building her professional looking Tumblr blog. She’s trolling the accounts of her burn list and ex-boyfriends writing about how they’re assholes who have V.D. Also, ordering personalized cock-shaped cookies for her girlfriends so they can giggle.

Photo Credit: Splash

Taylor Swift Is Having an Orgasm

By Lex September 09, 2014 @ 9:02 AM

Taylor Swift In Wet Shirt In Rolling Stone Magazine
I can’t imagine the stage direction to get Taylor Swift to look like she’s about to climax. Maybe they told her to imagine an all-day marathon of Designing Women in her comfiest pajamas while her lame ex-boyfriend learns he has The AIDS from cheating on her. It’s hard to know exactly what can bring Taylor Swift to the height of ecstasy but the suffering of others has to be a key component.

Some MBA at the record label crunched some numbers recently and determined that Taylor’s competition for new dollars is her overly-sexualized skeevy pop star counterparts. So she’s putting together a pro forma album full of high energy crap for tweens and letting herself be filmed in a wet t-shirt in Rolling Stone. When Miley Cyrus got her Rolling Stone feature she tattooed Rolling $tone on the soles of her feet and then fucked a powered-up inking needle so deep that her future baby will be able to see the word ‘Bangerz’ in their gestational hold.

Taylor Swift couldn’t pull the trigger on anything so decidedly rock and roll, but she did give Rolling Stone some raspberry scones and an inanely boring tour of her new $5 million apartment. It’s clear from this article that Taylor Swift is either the most insipidly uninteresting rich woman in the entire world, or she’s hiding something really dark and mysterious. Like Bruce Wayne or Patrick Bateman, with a heavy lean toward the obsessive compulsive serial killer. It’s probably not right to dislike somebody for just being themselves, but if it ever becomes acceptable, I’d start with Taylor Swift.

Photo Credit: Rolling Stone

Taylor Swift Jumps the Taylor Swift Shark (VIDEO)

By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 12:40 PM

Taylor-Swift-in-Shake-It-Off-Video
I’m not sure what drives people with the power to turn shit into gold to abruptly change their turd supplier. Taylor Swift has decided to leave her wildly successful crappy country singer-songwriter roots for a turn at being Miley Cyrus circa 2009. The result is Shake It Off. Taylor Swift’s new single from her album she describes as the turn to pop music that her inner muse and her label insisted she make.

“I feel like for the last two years there’s been sort of a sonic evolution happening and I’ve been experimenting more and more. And I think you have to follow, just this intuition, this gut feeling. As a songwriter, you just write to write a certain kind of music and you don’t know why.”

The song itself is a simpleton’s over-produced version of her previous songs about how to ignore stupid boys and haters on the Internet. Haters gonna hate hate hate. Players gonna play play play. Yeah, the fuck whatever. Sonic evolution. Twelve year old girls are to music what fat people are to Vegas buffets. There’s not a lot of time spent on qualitative deduction. I would be okay with this entire assemblage of raisin-laden defecation if it weren’t for the last sixty seconds of the music video where ungainly awkward fat kids, “the normals”, all shake off societal hate. What’s the message here, Taylor? Ugly kids are all secretly frustrated victims of an unwritten social caste system that treats them like dirty mongrels? Okay, that part is true. But we don’t need Taylor Swift auto-tuning our childhood trauma in our face. Bring back the guitar and the mean songs about Jake Gyllenhaal or I’m getting rid of my fucking lunchbox.

Taylor Swift Tongues a Model And Shit Around The Web

By Jack August 14, 2014 @ 12:38 PM

Karlie-Kloss-and-Taylor-Swift

There are rumors flying around the web that Taylor Swift decided to try girls after being disappointed by so many men who she tortured to get into her pants. Supposedly, she’s been munching on Victoria Secret model Karlie Kloss’ box. If this is true, then nothing the radical Muslims say about America can bother me. We are the greatest country ever.

Read all about Taylor’s dabbling in tuna tacos. (The Superficial)

North West begins her inevitable journey towards sluthood. (Dlisted)

Hilary Duff gives us a peek at her titty balls on Instagram. (Popoholic)

Poppy Delevinge and her ass hanging out in a blue bikini on a boat. (Hollywood Tuna)

“Bad Boys 3″ is happening whether you want it or not. (Huffington Post)

Snooki’s tampon flies out during dance rehearsals. Commence puking. (Drunken Stepfather)

Some ginger wrestler named Sheamus may play the next Darth Vader. Fuck. (Moviepilot)

Photo credit: Splash News

Taylor Swift Has Business Thoughts

By Lex July 09, 2014 @ 9:10 AM

Taylor Swift Shows Off Her Midriff In New York
I don’t read the Wall Street Journal because I have about seventeen dollars in the bank and aggressive Federal Reserve Policy or whatever happens in Chinese commodity markets probably isn’t going to swing my fortunes too dramatically. Discussions about outlawing tits on the Internet are of greater concern to me. So I missed Taylor Swift’s op-ed piece in the Journal. She was the go-to person for talk about the death of album sales and the future of the music recording industry. She may only have a jerry-rigged home-school high school diploma, but Taylor was able to build some strong metaphors comparing music sales to boyfriends and moonlight kisses:

Some music is just for fun, a passing fling (the ones they dance to at clubs and parties for a month while the song is a huge radio hit, that they will soon forget they ever danced to). Some songs and albums represent seasons of our lives, like relationships that we hold dear in our memories but had their time and place in the past. However, some artists will be like finding “the one.” We will cherish every album they put out until they retire and we will play their music for our children and grandchildren.

I’m only slightly jealous that Taylor Swift has superior syntax than I (or me?). Albeit, she sounds like the 50-year old President of her local area Romance Novel Book Club.  Taylor continues with her romantic relationship metaphors about how artists need to shake it up in the bedroom musically to keep their fans interested over the long haul. She also mentions that people will still buy albums that “allow them to feel like they really aren’t alone in feeling so alone.” Fucking, eh, Taylor, you just put your little country superstar paw right on my heart strings and tugged.

Taylor Swift didn’t need to say anything really. She’s a living, breathing demonstration of where the music business sits. Artists and their labels need to motivate their fans to listen to their shit over and over again since they’re only making fractions of pennies per listen on streaming. For bands that can’t get millions of Spotify listens, all your dough is coming from live performances and fans getting super high and buying shit on your website. In short, absolutely nothing has changed in the music business. But Taylor Swift got to talk about love in the Wall Street Journal. I’m sure there’s a secret decoder ring dig in there about a boyfriend as well. I moved on to paper with a sports section.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, AKM-GSI