Taylor Swift Has Business Thoughts

By Lex July 09, 2014 @ 9:10 AM

Taylor Swift Shows Off Her Midriff In New York
I don’t read the Wall Street Journal because I have about seventeen dollars in the bank and aggressive Federal Reserve Policy or whatever happens in Chinese commodity markets probably isn’t going to swing my fortunes too dramatically. Discussions about outlawing tits on the Internet are of greater concern to me. So I missed Taylor Swift’s op-ed piece in the Journal. She was the go-to person for talk about the death of album sales and the future of the music recording industry. She may only have a jerry-rigged home-school high school diploma, but Taylor was able to build some strong metaphors comparing music sales to boyfriends and moonlight kisses:

Some music is just for fun, a passing fling (the ones they dance to at clubs and parties for a month while the song is a huge radio hit, that they will soon forget they ever danced to). Some songs and albums represent seasons of our lives, like relationships that we hold dear in our memories but had their time and place in the past. However, some artists will be like finding “the one.” We will cherish every album they put out until they retire and we will play their music for our children and grandchildren.

I’m only slightly jealous that Taylor Swift has superior syntax than I (or me?). Albeit, she sounds like the 50-year old President of her local area Romance Novel Book Club.  Taylor continues with her romantic relationship metaphors about how artists need to shake it up in the bedroom musically to keep their fans interested over the long haul. She also mentions that people will still buy albums that “allow them to feel like they really aren’t alone in feeling so alone.” Fucking, eh, Taylor, you just put your little country superstar paw right on my heart strings and tugged.

Taylor Swift didn’t need to say anything really. She’s a living, breathing demonstration of where the music business sits. Artists and their labels need to motivate their fans to listen to their shit over and over again since they’re only making fractions of pennies per listen on streaming. For bands that can’t get millions of Spotify listens, all your dough is coming from live performances and fans getting super high and buying shit on your website. In short, absolutely nothing has changed in the music business. But Taylor Swift got to talk about love in the Wall Street Journal. I’m sure there’s a secret decoder ring dig in there about a boyfriend as well. I moved on to paper with a sports section.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News, AKM-GSI

Taylor Swift Drops Selena Gomez Like a Latin Potato

By Lex June 16, 2014 @ 3:44 PM

Taylor Swift In Short Shorts Leaving The Gym In New York
There’s yet to be an entertaining girl fight not involving hair pulling. I might make an exception for the two girls I saw fighting with shoes in high school until both were bloodied. So, hair pulling and heels. Taylor Swift being bitchy doesn’t usually count. Though I do revel in how she immediately cold shoulders girlfriends who get back together with boys she doesn’t deem worthy. She’s cut off Selena Gomez three or four times for her inability to shake the call of the little Canadian Svengali who took her maidenhead. When things go to shit, Taylor will take Selena back to say I told you so and invite her once more into the coven of the prude. But, for now,no more late night giggle phone calls, Selena. Let’s see how long you last out in that cold.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Pacific Coast News

Taylor Swift Actually Has A Good Side

By Travis April 22, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Everything about Taylor Swift, from all of her songs about the boyfriends who had enough of her shit to the rumor that she’ll only date a wealthy, bilingual A-list actor, makes her seem like the most high maintenance woman on the planet. That would be fine if she looked a little better than the nerdy girl next door who got into her mom’s makeup drawer while all of the other girls were making out with the cool boys at the movie theater, but otherwise she just comes off like kind of a bitch. And yet she might change some minds with this photo from her vacation, because 25-feet away and just showing her ass is one of my all-time favorite looks for a girl who seems like she’d charter a jet to the north pole just to fart.

Taylor Swift’s Leg Appeared At The ACM Awards

By Travis April 07, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Taylor Swift showed up to the American Country Music Awards in Las Vegas last night to pretend that she’s still a country music star at an event packed with people who probably loathe and resent her crossover success. While she didn’t win any ACM awards, she might have received a few standing ovations from redneck perverts for wearing a dress that showed off her entire left leg. She also made friends with George Strait, who beat Taylor for Entertainer of the Year, and there’s a very good chance that they’re dating now. If anything, it’ll give her plenty of material for a new album, including the eventual hit single, “Sittin’ on Grandpa’s Stick Shift.”

Photo Credits: Getty

Taylor Swift’s Grotesquely Large Hands Headed to Broadway

By Lex April 04, 2014 @ 5:15 PM

Taylor Swift And Her Big Hands Out With Karlie Kloss In New York

I’m jumping the gun. Though influential fat film and now stage producer Harvey Weinstein has said he wants to create a Broadway show with Taylor Swift because he loves making money and people who pay to watch other people break into song on stage will sell their kids’ bone marrow for money to see Taylor Swift perform such magic. Upon news of Harvey’s desire, Taylor’s unusually long phalanges stretched another two centimeters as they do any time she receives praise or accolads. Just a few years ago Taylor had hands within two standard deviations of normal. But after so many honors, she now needs to wrap her Abdul-Jabbar fingers three times around her fret before she can finger a D chord. Within two more Adult Country Music Awards cycles she’ll be able to pluck coconuts from trees without a ladder and simultaneously choke three ex-boyfriends to death for not treating her like a twelve-year old girl. When future generations ask how the mutant wars got started, their disaffected high school teacher bots will hologram up an old jpeg of Taylor Swift using her right index finger to deep sea fish for halibut. It’s time to be scared.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Taylor Swift’s Stalker Will Have To Try Harder

By Travis March 26, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Taylor Swift recently scored a huge, relieving victory over her alleged stalker, Timothy Sweet, after a Los Angeles judge ordered him to stay at least 100 yards away from the singer for the next three years. Timothy reportedly believes that he and Taylor are married, and he has been sending her “terrifying emails” and posting scary messages about her on social media, even going as far as to threaten John Kerry’s life, because that’s just the kind of thing that you do when you’re out of your fucking mind enough to be in love with Taylor Swift. But it’s good to see the long-celebrated Los Angeles justice system really lay down the hammer on someone in serious need of psychiatric help by giving him a piece of paper that says he has to stay away. This certainly won’t end in an awesome cloud of bullets tearing him to pieces and Taylor’s darkest, most Grammy-nominated album yet.

Photo Credit: Getty