Tony Scotts death certificate was released yesterday, though it will take a few more weeks to determine if he had brain cancer when he jumped off a bridge and killed himself. It did say that his wife had him cremated. Hopefully they laid him in the sun first to dry out. Otherwise he would have taken like a week to burn, and you can forget about roasting marshmallows with all that smoke.
TONY SCOTT – had his suicide filmed by several people who are trying to sell the footage. Inspiring “I Believe I Can Fly” song, not included. (guardian)
JOHNNY DEPP – is being offered $95 million to star in ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean 5′, because ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean 4′ made $1.04 billion. Clearly Lindsay hasn’t figured out that these are about a bisexual drunk who steals or else she would have sued by now. (the sun)
MICHAEL J. FOX – will return to NBC in a sitcom guaranteed to air at least one full season of 22 episodes, even though it hasn’t filmed a pilot yet and NBC hasn’t seen any footage. It’s a very shaky deal, so to speak. (vulture)
RYAN LOCHTE – is in a “three-way tie” to become the next Bachelor on ABC. When things started he was actually the leader, but the other two guys are French and he let them catch up because he’s an asshole. (e!)
BROOKE HOGAN – has a “I’d rather go naked…” ad for the reprehensible PETA, and you can actually see her boob in this. Are they implying I shouldn’t want Brooke Hogan locked in a cage? Because they are way way off in that assumption. (direct link to the NSFW picture here)
The only good news yesterday about the suicide of director Tony Scott was the report that he had inoperable brain cancer, so instead of withering away in agony, he at least went out on his own terms, and he could stick his arms out and pretend to be Superman for a few seconds because that would be fun.
Oh, but now the LA Times is here to say fuck you and your silver lining.
The Los Angeles County coroner’s office said it has not determined whether director Tony Scott had any health problems before he jumped off a San Pedro bridge Sunday and said family members have denied media reports that he was suffering from inoperable brain cancer.
As in many cases, the coroner said it would not have a final cause of death until toxicology and other tests are back in several weeks.
Yeah even if the doctor did tell me I had brain cancer, I don’t think I would have gone and jumped off a bridge. Mostly because I’m a huge pussy, but also just in case the doctor has another patient named Scott Tony who’s wondering why his headache won’t go away.
ABC News and People are reporting that director Tony Scott (‘Crimson Tide’, ‘True Romance’, ‘The Last Boy Scout’, ‘Days of Thunder’ and ‘Top Gun’ among others) had inoperable brain cancer when he committed suicide yesterday by jumping off a bridge in Long Beach.
Witnesses told authorities that at around 12:35 p.m., (Scott) left his parked Toyota Prius on the Vincent Thomas Bridge, scaled an 8- to 10-ft.-high fence and then leapt without hesitation.
This actually makes me feel better. Jumping seems like a terrible way to kill yourself. Now it turns out he had a good reason instead of simple depression, and this goes from being sad to being pretty bad ass. This is totally how an action director should kill himself, not with pills like some arthouse queer. I just wish he had landed on Kim Kardashian or Lindsay Lohan or someone shitty like that.
(posting the A trailer for Scott’s ‘Man on Fire’ because from 1:46 on, when Denzel says, “Anyone who gets in my way, anyone who was involved, anybody who profited from it, anybody who opens their eyes at me… I’m gonna kill em,” and the cadence in Walkens voice when he says “depends on how good he is AT it,” makes it one of the greatest trailers ever.)