afternoon headlines

By brendon January 24, 2011 @ 6:52 PM

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NO STRINGS ATTACHED – was the only new movie in theaters this week, and it made 20 million to win a very slow weekend box office. So finally we’ve discovered that people will watch an Ashton Kutcher movie, as long as they have nothing else to choose from. (box office mojo)

SKINS – has lost two more sponsors, Subway and Schick, citing concerns that the show may be child pornography. Jersey Shore went through this same kind of thing when they started, though for different reasons, and now it’s the biggest show MTV has. It’s also dumb on Schicks part because I assume pedophiles buy lots of razors. (hr, tmz)

CHRISTINA AGUILERA – will sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl in two weeks, then play guard for Pittsburgh. (the sun)

OPRAH WINFREY – revealed on todays show that she has a sister she never knew about. “Oprah explained that her mother had kept her pregnancy a secret and (gave the baby) up for adoption when she was nine years old.” Wait, Oprah was 9? And she never noticed her mom was pregnant? Jeez, open your eyes dummy. And women take advice from this dolt? (ew)

ELISHA CUTHBERT – has still got it, as she showed in the Toronto airport this weekend. “It” being horrible taste in clothes and a nose like a piggy. (splash)

Wednesday headlines

By brendon December 29, 2010 @ 11:27 AM

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THE 10 HIGHEST GROSSING MOVIES OF 2010 – might surprise you. Unless you already know what they are, in which case they won’t. Unless you have that Memento thing and you didn’t tat them down. Do you have that? Do you have that? Do you have that? Do I have keep asking or how does this work? (filmdrunk)

REESE WITHERSPOON – got engaged to her agent Jim Toth. It will be her second marriage (she divorced Ryan Phillippe in 2008), so, you know, it’s hell for that slut. (e!)

THE FANTASTIC FOUR – is gonna kill off one of the 4 next month, though Marvel is keeping the name of the doomed hero a secret. It’s Mister Fantastic. I think we all know it’s Mister Fantastic. That guy is useless, but it’s like the rest of the team is too polite to say anything. Like he can reach under a door and go get the key and unlock it from the inside. Meanwhile Thing is just standing there, pantomiming to the other two that he can just kick it, he can kick the door and smash it, but Sue has to deal with that shit when they get home so she waves him off, she’s like, “no, please, just give him another 10 minutes.” It’s fuckin ridiculous. (the sun)

Monday morning headlines

By brendon December 27, 2010 @ 11:08 AM

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LITTLE FOCKERS won the weekend box office with a lower than expected $34 million, but the real story was that Gullivers Travels absolutely bombed, opening at number 7 with just $7.2 million. Actually “bomb” might not be a fitting description, because I’d much rather be in a room with an actual bomb than a Jack Black movie. (variety)

TENNA MARIE – died of natural causes over the weekend at age 54, and apparently this is a big deal but I’ve never heard of this chick in my life. Here’s her big hit song, and that thing is awful, so good riddance I say. (e!)

HUGH HEFNER – who is 84, is engaged to Playmate Crystal Harris, who is 24. As you can see they certainly make a darling couple. The secret to a good relationship: greed. (us)

Monday morning headlines

By brendon December 20, 2010 @ 9:56 AM

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TRON – easily won the weekend box office with $43.6 million, which was disappointing considering Disney thought it would make at least 50, but not disappointing considering this movie sucks. (deadline)

LINDSAY LOHAN – has moved to a new undisclosed rehab facility because she felt threatened after receiving crank calls at her Betty Ford “sober house”. I wonder what the calls said? If they were the ones offering Lindsay 50 dollars for a blow job, my offer still stands, baby. (e!)

JACK BLACK – is a hoot! He was the star of the Gulliver’s Travels premiere this weekend, and look haha, his shirt says “I See Small People”! OMFG LOL! Do you get it? It’s a reference to that movie from 11 years ago! And now he’s pretending to use karate on me! Oh no haha! Don’t hurt me! You’ve already broken my funny bone, haha! (God I fucking despise this asshole.)

Monday morning headlines

By brendon November 29, 2010 @ 11:32 AM

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LESLIE NIELSEN – died last night due to complications from pneumonia. The complication being that he had pneumonia. It’s sometimes forgotten that he was a respected dramatic actor until Airplane in 1980, which is still his best movie. The key to good satire is to not acknowledge any of the weird shit happening around you and play everything real serious. That’s what Scary/Epic/Disaster Movie doesn’t understand. Comparing those movies and Airplane as “satire” is like comparing the Notebook and Young Black Bucks Doin Mature Fatties as “love stories”. (roger ebert)

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS – barely beat out Tangled ($50 million to $49 million) to win the weekend box office, but has now made a staggering $609 million worldwide in just 2 weeks. If it keeps this pace, it will make over 15 billion dollars by next year. I haven’t looked it up but I believe that would be a new record. (mojo 1, mojo 2)

CHELSEA HANDLER – spent Thanksgiving down in Cabo with new friend Jennifer Ansiton. Gosh, I wonder why Aniston seems to have a new cycle of friends every 9 months. How weird. Because she’s such a delight to be around. (splash)

Monday morning headlines

By brendon October 18, 2010 @ 9:29 AM

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JESSICA SIMPSON – sang with a group of U.S. combat veterans last week in NYC for an upcoming holiday special, but her dad Joe cut it because the vets wore camouflage, and he thought they clashed with what Jessica wore. If Joe wanted Jess to look good, the vets should have dressed up as Twinkie the Kid. Fatties face would have been beaming. (popeater)

CHELSEA HANDLER – went on twitter and said Nick Cannon wasn’t funny, and so he called her “angry ugly whitetrash” and said 50 Cent made her tattoo “G-Unit…on her balls”. In other words, he proved her 100% right. (huff post)

JACKASS 3D – made an astounding $50,000,000 this weekend, setting an all time record for an October opening, and more than doubling it’s $20M budget. ‘Red’ was second with $22.5M. “If ‘Red’ doesn’t have a midget in a little cowboy outfit getting kicked in the balls, how good could it really be?”, people apparently said. (hollywood reporter)

JESSICA LOWNDES – filmed some scenes for ’90210′ in a bikini, and before anyone asks about the rumors, I don’t kiss and tell. So I’m not gonna say I fucked her, I’m not gonna say I didn’t fuck her. I’m just not gonna address it. Quite frankly, that’s between me and Jessica. (pacific coast)