A new book is claiming that longtime Scientologist Tom Cruise has risen in the ranks and is now second in command of the controversial religion, based on outer space warlords trapped in volcano prisons and dead aliens attaching themselves to human souls. Oh, and also, there’s this…
And author ANDREW MORTON says some followers have speculated that his daughter Suri may have been fathered using FROZEN SPERM from its founder L RON HUBBARD.
Mission: Impossible actor Tom has rubbished the book by Brit Morton, who wrote Princess Diana’s biography Her True Story.
Tom, 45, also denies claims that his ex NICOLE KIDMAN was told her sex secrets would be leaked if she criticised the “church”, and that he aims to convert pals DAVID and VICTORIA BECKHAM.
Morton interviewed high-ranking Scientologists, or Sea Orgs — led by the mysterious David Miscavige.
And Morton writes: “Some Sea Org fanatics wondered if the actress had been impregnated with Hubbard’s frozen sperm.
Scientology will do well with a keen mind like Tom Cruise in charge, even if he has been evasive about his role there in the past. I cornered him in an elevator one time and said, "Tom, what's the deal with you and scientology", and he said, "uhh, uhh", then turned his back to me. Then he turned around again with his finger under his nose so it looked like a moustache and said, "I'm not Tom Cruise". And then I said, "I'm pretty sure you are". Then he said "ring ring" out of the corner of his mouth, then put his thumb and his pinky to his ear and his mouth and said, "I'm sorry, I have to take this call". He said it was President Lincoln, but frankly I had my doubts.
Little Tom be craaazy!
Toaday on WWTDD Battle of the Crazies: Britney vs. Tom.
Although Morton is a lying POS douchebag ball licker cunt face. So lets call it even…
Second in command means nothing. Ask all America's VPs, except those who had the good fortune of the Prez kicking the bucket while in office. Uh-oh, this could be serious then….
Does the top guy get to call in the UFO strikes when we humans piss him off? We could be in trouble…
Next thing you know, he'll hold a press conference and say "All you base are belong to us! Somebody set us up the bomb!!!"
Tom Cruise is a number 2. I just had a very satisfying number 2 myself.
Tom's banged more quality beaver than Daniel Boone and made more money than God (quite literally) over the course of his career. All this h8ing does is prove he's amounted to something and the gossiphounds have not. Sure he's short and a little weird, but would you trade places with him? In a NY second.
Hiiiiiwayyyyy tooooo thuuuuh Dane-juhzone!
Ride Lo
hey he can use all the frozen sperm from jamba juice he wants ( i preffer the razzmattaz with a protien boost), but god still hates fags.
I don't. they widdle away at my competion for the ladies. plus they are excellect dressers.
dirty cajun needs an editor! or rehab…
Although Tom is surely crazier than six loons fightin' over a shit sandwich, Katie can without a doubt play with the fuzzy balls.
WONDER TWINS ACTIVATE: FORM OF…..A SEA ORG
"Some Sea Org fanatics wondered " ….as much as I want to believe Tom's creepy baby be from L. Ron's frozen spawn, I'm not sure if these are the most trustworthy people to get quotes from.
editor? i spelled at least three wordz write in that last comment.
all you’re snakes is blelongs to us!
P's F - Thank you, I really needed to piss in my pants a little.
coffeeman - he has UFO's buried under the town centres of every major city in in the country, waiting for the time when he's ready to strike.
When that moment comes, Xenu will order the Thetans to come down from another planet on a beam of light swithc on and arm the UFOs and the cleansing of non-Thetan lifeforms will begin.
However little credibility the author of that book has, I'd sooner believe that the Flying Spaghetti Monster impregnated Katie with one of his noodly appendages than I would Tom Cruise suddenly figured out how to jump-start his testicles.
Of course it's Hubbard's nut butter. She didn't have an ass baby did she? Err, wait, maybe Travolta had Tom's colon-kid and Katie was just a front? Like George Michael making the "I Want Your Sex" video?
For the record, I wouldn't trade places with Tom. He's short and only catches unless he's procreating.
Anyone notice in this picture that Tom's squeezing Katie's hand so hard it's turning red? It's like she's drugged and he's holding her hostage. Just like on that episode of "Dynasty" back in the late 80s (or was it the mid 80s) when the chick with the wide shoulders was being held captive and the dude who was the voice of Charlie thought she was running off with the dude and Joan Collins and Joan Rivers were almost unrecognizable from plastic surgery.
Yea, just like that.
Ride Lo
Why I think this story is fake:
Tom, 45, also denies claims that his ex NICOLE KIDMAN was told her sex secrets would be leaked if she criticised the “church”,
What secrets could Nicole have that would be worse than Tom Cruise's?
Maybe she orgasms to the sight of Tom getting buggered by Thanetans and then getting a reach-around?
No way does Nicole "pale bony-assed giraffe" Kidman have secrets worse than Tom Cruise's.
…and any pre-nup they may have had has surely been rendered unenforceable by their divorce?