Pauly D just discovered he has a baby girl by way of a cocktail waitress he banged one night last year. Yeah, I know, he’s kind of proud too.
“I’m proud I’m a father. I am excited to embark on this new part of my life.”
And who wouldn’t be feeling like he just took home the Heisman after getting loaded and banging a baby into a bar waitress in an alley way. It’s a real thing. But the pride parade was only just beginning.
“Excited for my dear @DJPaulyD who is going to be an amazing father! Proud of you. xoxo Auntie Amanda.” — Pauly D’s publicist, Amanda K. Ruisi on Twitter
Even his publicist is proud. That’s a high bar. That Auntie Amanda bit is pretty fucking creepy. But publicists are naturally creepy sociopaths, so this falls in the range of normal. Plus, he pays her to lie.
Snooki was also super proud of Pauly D’s cold and lifeless statement to the press about finding out he has a kid. She was quick to congratulate her former castmate:
“Now Lorenzo has a girlfriend! Pauly will be an amazing father.”
No doubt. Just look how maturely Pauly demanded a DNA test when presented with the cooing baby. Or how he asked his one smart friend if time travel was possible so he could go back to earlier in the year and take this knocked up skeez horseback riding. If any dad is going to be amazing, it’s Pauly D.