John Mayer Will Be Banging His Next Celebrity in T-Minus 30 Minutes

By Lex February 26, 2014 @ 7:28 PM

E! Online, the purveyor of single-ply entertainment news, has reported that Katy Perry and John Mayer are no longer a couple. Just yesterday they announced that Katy Perry looked like she was wearing an engagement ring from the love of her life, so I’m still having to deal with the heartbreak of their particular brand of journalism. A consensus of gossip sites with no real sources peg the breakup as being Katy’s decision, with John Mayer heartbroken for at least the next few minutes he spends not boning other hot Hollywood actresses. Katy Perry really was a blip on his resume of becoming the most prolific Jewish cocksman since God stopped directly ordering Jews to be fruitful. Plus, if he had to kiss Katy Perry now that she she’d swapped spit with Miley Cyrus, it would be like he was kissing Kellan Lutz’s cock. You don’t want to put a ring on that.

Photo credit: Getty

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(4) Comments

  1. DrainBammage 02/26/2014 19:54

    I sat down to read an article about John Mayer’s 10 best songs and realized that its the kind of insipid crap that Katy Perry fans would absolutely adore.
    Id like to say I was brave enough to sit through all 10 songs but Id rather get my pecker tatooed then have to listen to any more.
    Blander than Dave Matthews, lyrics written by and for young teenage girls.

    This is perfect music for the guy who thinks he’s too butch for Justin Timberlake and things that being a John Mayer fan is akin to being a Clapton fan circa 1971.
    Its less geared towards MILFs and GMILFs like Michael Bublee but not by much.

    Timberlake, Bublee and Mayer… the trinity of corporate sucking.

    It make you yearn for the days of the manliness of old and Boy George, Freddie Mercury and Chris Deburgh.

  2. Beylerbey 02/26/2014 21:02

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

  3. Uh-Oh Sharted 02/26/2014 22:09

    More like OSCAR Mayer! AMIRIGHT?!?

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