Cameron Diaz Honors Gwyneth Paltrow’s Brave Uncoupling

By Lex March 28, 2014 @ 2:01 PM

Cameron Diaz In A Swimsuit For The April Issue Of Glamour
When Gwyneth Paltrow announced she was Conscious Uncoupling from Coldplay tiny piano player Chris Martin, everybody ran to their New Age dictionaries to figure out what obnoxious meme Gwyneth was referencing. The Conscious Uncoupling theory dates all the way back to three years ago when some relationship expert with an advanced degree in bullshitology invented it. The entire thing is far too vague and conveniently invented to explain in less than a 90 minute spa session in St. Bart’s, but suffice it to say, it means I’m okay, you’re okay, and we did nothing wrong. I mean, yeah, maybe we cheated with billionaire real estate magnates and lied and forsook each other’s trust and put our own needs well ahead of our partners, but that’s because we evolved from amphibious zygotes and Mother Healer forgives us. I inserted that last part, but trust me, it’s less bullshit than the reality. Pretty much everybody on the planet is now turning against Gwyneth Paltrow. Even former demographically inclined Paltrow fans like working moms have seen the light and are penning poison snark to her online. But not Cameron Diaz. She honors Gwyneth’s choices and personal fortitude:

They’re being very honest about their relationship which is that they are really great friends, they’re amazing parents and they’re just consciously deciding that a part of their life is not going to be spent the way it’s been for the last 11 years.

Whoa, who let the actor monkeys start ad libbing? Cameron Diaz went on in her Glamour interview to mention that everybody’s been cheated on in a relationship before, either past, present, or future. She was probably just trying to slide in a reference to her new movie about marital infidelity, or maybe she meant Alex Rodriguez janking her hormones the very day of a modeling gig where she needed to look less like a man for a few hours. Either way, Gwyneth Paltrow uncoupled her mitts from her new lover’s cock for a moment to applaud and re-apply a moisturizer gleaned from the bleeding gums of Nepalese periodontal patients.

Photo Credit: Glamour

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(2) Comments

  1. avatar
    Beylerbey 03/28/2014 20:03

    “…but suffice it to say, it means I’m okay, you’re okay, and we did nothing wrong”

    As opposed to “I’m okay, you’re not okay, and you’re going to pay me for the rest of your fvcking life,” which is simply called Divorce.

  2. avatar
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