Instead of telling your kids that if they make a stupid face, they might get stuck with it forever, just whip out a picture of Faith Hill, point to it emphatically, and say, do you fucking want that for the rest of your life? Then make up some passage from the bible that forbids having botulism shot into your grill until you could taser your own face without so much as a cheek muscle twitch. Fuck, Faith Hill. I think she used to be good looking in that perfect girl you wanted to bang in high school for being so perfect kind of way. Now she just looks like she’d go bad if you don’t store her in a cool, dry area of your home. It’s creepy the way her eyes seem to follow you. Make the bad thing go away, Mother.
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