I have vowed to punch each and every much smaller than me person who announces this month that soccer is the world’s most popular sport. Human papillomavirus is the world’s most popular STD. Go ask Michael Douglas’ throat cancer how awesome it was jumping on that popularity bandwagon. I don’t care how many foreign self-described models slip into something soccer sexy, I’m not watching any sport where teams intentionally pass the ball backwards. That’s a retreat mentality that just won’t thrive in a nation built on advance and dominate. If I wanted to be France or Paraguay, I’d buy a neat hat and shave my nuts and move to one of those places to watch soccer and talk about how to be a better world citizen. Sharing is for losers. Fuck you, Barney and your socialist soccer agenda.
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