I’m all for leaving the government out of the bedroom, the bathroom, and the shed where you whip your boy with deciduous branches. I intend to have kids one day. I’m going to bring back an 1880’s style of dramatic consequences so physical in nature, that people will hail my name is the man who returned our nation’s youth, all bloodied and beaten and perfectly well-mannered. But Adrian Peterson isn’t really a dad. He’s a football player who likes to stroke his ego by impregnating women so the world may know the power of his seed. He’s doing this shit intentionally. He didn’t even know he had one kid until that kid was beaten to death. He may have as many as seven kids around the country.
Every summer Peterson hosts a Meet Dad Camp at his estate in Texas where his multitude of bastards get a couple weeks bowing down to the peacock before receiving some Vikings swag and Greyhound ticket back to their mom. Just because you pay the court ordered child support and you like to brag about your reproductive powers doesn’t make you dad. Charles Barkley says all the black dads in the South whoop their kids like this. Great. Fucking have at it. Make the Lorax weep with all the trees you fell just to make the perfect switch. But you can’t lacerate rent-a-kid the day before he’s packed in the FexEd box and delivered back to his real home. Get some perspective. Adrian Peterson isn’t a throwback disciplinarian. He’s just a pretend dad who likes to hit kids with real sticks.
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