Kris Jenner Divorces the Ponytail

The Dark Lord’s blistered minion officially ended her marriage to Bruce Jenner before he could complete his transformation into my long haul trucking Aunt Susan. Divorce is a somber, quarterly event in the Kardashian household. A spinster cousin plays an Armenian genocide requiem on the harp while everybody congregates in the living room and whispers mean things about Rob. Khloe is typically fitted with an invisible fence collar so she won’t eat all the Pepperidge Farms platters friends bring over to mourn the loss of another romantic business relationship. As with any divorce, your first thought is how will this affect the children. Since they’re already shamelessly ribald whores, the concern really goes out to the woman. Kris. Maybe a little Bruce. Kris has requested that she keep the jewelry and custodial rights to Kylie Jenner for one more year, which is like asking for the jewelry twice. It’s always sad whenever love dies. Or whatever the fuck this is.

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