Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn Call It

Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn have ended their super awkward courtship. No word on whether they will continue color coordinating. The two issued separate press releases nobody requested which explain Vonn has to concentrate on skiing and Woods has a bunch of Denny’s hostesses to throat fuck. It appears the press releases were written by the same publicist and made it very clear the split was mutual.

“Lindsey and I have mutually decided to stop dating. I have great admiration and respect for Lindsey and I’ll always cherish our time together.”

Vonn’s statement, which if you’re working a mail room feel free to throw directly into the garbage:

“After nearly three years together, Tiger and I have mutually decided to end our relationship. I will always cherish the memories that we’ve created together.”

Cherish as a verb reeks of authenticity. The breakup is a shame since they have so much in common like speaking bluntly and using the same language in press releases about their relationship nobody gives a shit about besides Bob Costas. I wish them both luck. Tiger doesn’t need it. He’s a single 40-year old worth $500 million. Vonn is now what you might call Damaged. Wrap it up.

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