Tom Brady Battles Hard on Facebook

In the future, real men will claim their innocence on Facebook posts. I guess that’s now. Tom Brady went to great lengths to let somebody fashion a long rebuttal to his four game DeflateGate suspension on his social media feed, normally reserved for showing off how hot his wife is. Everything seems defensible through decent lies except for that cellphone he ordered his assistant to destroy the same day he was being called to testify by the NFL. Though Brady explains this not clearly at all:

I replaced my broken Samsung phone with a new iPhone 6 AFTER my attorneys made it clear to the NFL that my actual phone device would not be subjected to investigation under ANY circumstances. As a member of a union, I was under no obligation to set a new precedent going forward, nor was I made aware at any time during Mr. Wells investigation, that failing to subject my cell phone to investigation would result in ANY discipline.

Even Facebook readers can glean that’s actually not an explanation, just a jumble of words designed to sound tonally like one. Most alarming is the revelation that Brady’s somehow broken Samsung contained over 10,000 texts over just a several months period. If you have a dick and you’re over fourteen, there’s no healthy explanation for rampant daily texting. If nine-thousand turn out to be pleas to his wife for anal, I might allow for the total. We’ll never know now that the cellphone done got broke all accidental like.

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