Lena Dunham Not on the Market

Lena Dunham cleared up Internet rumors that she was breaking up with her boyfriend before any more of her sycophantic fans tried drown their grossly symbiotic sorrows in gams of Fudgie the Whales. When she suffers, they suffer. It’s like E.T. and Elliot if both were pre-diabetic and high on Charleston Chews. The breakup rumors began when the world’s most narcissistic BBW posted messages to Instagram intimating she was suffering an emotional heartache and questioning her relationships. But it turns out she was just breaking up with gluten again.

No, no. Believe it or not, ladies can have anxiety and troubles that aren’t about getting dumped.

Even in her heartache Lena Dunham has something to teach men about women. She’s a giver. The engorged on self-love actress suffers the fate of many women that are with men who used to date much hotter women and could probably do so again. Why is he even with me? Is he thinking of her when I smother him with my greasy labial folds? How much caramel does it take to make these feelings stop? You can’t envy, Lena Dunham. Not when the Japanese are still coveting her fat for their stews.