Richard Simmons Is Now a Woman Too

When a gay male celebrity disappeared from the public eye for any extended length of time it used to signal the knitting of another patch in The AIDS quilt. Now they’re more likely than not to reappear quite alive and with a female name. Richard Simmons has chosen Fiona. According to the National Enquirer with a veracity rating of “remember that time they did get that one story right”, Richard Simmons hasn’t been institutionalized or on crazy island or even suffering from dehydration as Simmons himself recently posted online, he’s been becoming the woman he was always meant to be.

From reviewing Simmons body of work these past many years, it doesn’t seem like he had that far to go. Maybe a better haircut and a padded bra. It’s not known if Simmons surpassed Bruce Jenner on the lopping off charts, but it is clear that Jenner has motivated an entire class of unhappy AARP male members to opt for retirement hitting off the women’s tee. If you’re a man, you have to look at losing Simmons as like shedding a dead weight contract from your team. The joke’s on you, screaming lady with the bible, Simmons has been tinkling in the Target ladies room for years. The dolfin shorts finally fit.

_{Photo credit: National Enquirer}