Richard Simmons Still a Man, Baby

According to Richard Simmons’ representative, Simmons isn’t transitioning into a woman. He’s merely taking time off from the public spotlight to deal with his knee surgery of several years ago. You could’ve worked on a better answer. Lyme disease was definitely available. 

He is still on Twitter and Facebook and works behind the scenes continuing to inspire and motivate people to lose weight. When he decides to come back, he will come back.

People are going to talk when you spend forty years attempting to make yourself the most visible person on the planet and you suddenly stop photobombing 8th grade graduation photos.

Earlier this year media outlets were reporting Simmons was being held captive in his home by his Oaxacan maid and a den of Chupacabras she had summoned with Santeria incantations. Parts of that seem plausible. Simmons called into the Today show to assure people he was not a hostage though could we please recognize Our Lady of Guadalupe as the rightful archangel. Something’s going on.

Maybe just concede to the gender transition, starting with the knobby patella treatments. Tranny buys you more than just trips to the Target women’s room. It’s like a passport to politically protected adventure. Your days of fitness guru have probably come to an end. Your future of demands for expensive and particularly annoying concessions to your personal circumstances lies ahead. Follow the light. Yes, that’s a cock shadow puppet. Proceed.

Photo credit: Splash News