WWE Kicking Out All the Unwell People

WWE Summerslam is coming this weekend. It’s a highlight of the year for young men who have trouble finding organically occurring sex partners. In advance of the big Pay Per View event, WWE is kicking out a bunch of wrestlers for violating the corporate Wellness Policy. If that’s a euphemism for human growth hormones and horse jizz the entire stable might be empty by Summerslam kickoff. If it merely means testing positive for cocaine and Adderall, then only half will have to go.

Alberto Del Rio, WWE Diva Paige, and Roman Reigns have previously been suspended for 30 days for not being super well earlier this week. Today Eva Marie. Suffice it to say, she’s the most fuckable of the largely androgynous female fake wrestlers and this just got serious. The WWE is not commenting on what constituted these individuals violations, but they are distcintly not saying that tons of current and former professional wrestlers have prematurely killed themselves and occasionally their loved ones following long histories of controlled substance abuse and head trauma. 

The only reason really to mention professional wrestling in the news is to watch people discuss it as they would a real sport. Then when called on how it’s entirely staged and artificial, to mention the amazing athletic prowess and daring self-injury levels of the performers and dare other people to take a stab. It’s a logic tree that ends in a colored collared shirt with a name tag asking people if they need help finding anything.

_{Photo credit: WWE/Splash News}