Beyonce To Give Awesome Pregnant Performance

Beyonce’s standard musical set involves dressing in Mad Max extras costumes and lip synching while pulling off some fair to middling dance moves. Imagine how awesome it will be when she’s several months along in a “high risk pregnancy” with twins. Can’t we just get Danny DeVito? She is slated to headline Coachella in mid April, and her insurance policy would allow her to be paid $1 million even if she can’t perform. That sounds like total bullshit. Realize it’s built into your excessive ticket price. Consider hitting up a mechanical bull place. 

Beyonce’s reportedly been busy contacting other performers to join her on stage, which would far outdo any Beyonce performance were these people Keith Richards and Slash, but it’s obviously going to be a few janky ass rappers yelling something incoherent as she wheezes off in the corner.

She’s also taking some incredibly creepy pregnancy photos which belie a veritable mental illness. A twelve year old Persian chick Photoshopping this is one thing, a 35 year old woman ordering herself a floral spread, donning maternity lingerie and a veil, and taking to Instagram is quite another. What’s certain is her performance would have eaten a dick either way, but now it’s going to be much worse. If you’ve ever fucked a pregnant chick you know of what I speak. I haven’t. I’m guessing.

At least your parents got to drop several grand so you can post a photo of her and her distended belly on the monitor from sixty rows back and everyone will respect what a badass you are. Who’s on stage next? I heard Sally Field totally rocks. 

_{Photo Credit: Instagram}