Richard Simmons Sues the National Enquirer

Many have tried, most have failed. To sue the National Enquirer. Also to deny that Richard Simmons looks a ton like a girl who you’d guess would be named Maryanne or maybe Alice. During Simmon’s latter day disappearance from the public scene, the tabloids have gone on a spin the wheel of nuts reasons for Simmon’s absence. Have you noticed how you don’t see Richard Simmons and Kim Jong Un ever at the same time? That kind of thing. 

The Enquirer went ahead and declared Simmons to have had gender reassignment surgery complete with new breasts, hormones, plans for castration, and a tremendously stylish yet functional gym bag from Hugo Boss. Attorneys for Simmon’s claim there’s no truth to the story and filed suit. They immediately started name dropping LGBT and transgendered rights, because why the fuck wouldn’t you in 2017? If get busted for jaywalking, spout half of this shit and watch that ticket float away:

“National Enquirer and Radar Online have miscalculated. The National Enquirer and Radar Online have cheaply and crassly commercialized and sensationalized an issue that ought to be treated with respect and sensitivity. Principles of freedom of speech and press may protect their prerogative to mock and degrade the LGBTQ community. But freedom to speak is not freedom to defame. Mr. Simmons, like every person in this nation, has a legal right to insist that he not be portrayed as someone he is not. Even the most ardent supporter of sexual autonomy and LGBTQ rights is entitled to be portrayed in a manner that is truthful.”

This isn’t the Enquirer’s first random made up news headline rodeo. They’ve got a bevy of lawyers who carefully draw the line up to where they can provide reasonable defense for ‘Aliens Butt Fuck Tom Cruise’ and get away with zero financial judgements. Also, truth is a plain defense of defamation.

The tabloids find a source upon who they pin the crux of the assertion in the article. Though the source in this case seems to have recanted even before some of the latter day sex change headlines. Simmons team will have to prove the Enquirer was either maliciously targeting Simmons, or so wholesale negligent that they are liable for the false information being published. It’s going to be a reach. One you might find uncomfortable if say, you’ve recently discovered that burpees are thirty-percent harder with DD’s. 

Everybody will root against the Enquirer because they’re trading off wildly unfounded accusations posing as legit news articles. So, the New York Times but with much cooler doctored photos. The complainers will also keep reading. Like the dudes whose wives make them protest the new strip club setting up in town. Once every ten years the Enquirer nails one. Like a broken clock. That makes thinking about Tom Cruise with octopi like suckers up his rectum all worthwhile. I hope that’s fake fur.