Katy Perry Weekend Confessional For Remaining Fans

Katy Perry crammed a lifetime’s worth of publicity stunts into one weekend thanks to the Big Brother-style live stream promotion of her new album Witness. She divulged her suicidal thoughts, best celebrity fucks, and cultural appropriation woes during scheduled interviews caught on five cameras places around her house. Perry isn’t interesting enough to have a public meltdown like a normal celebrity. This will have to do. She said of her melancholic reimagined I Kissed a Girl, I Killed a Girl:

It’s not just been a one time that I’ve felt really low. I have my own addictions that I struggle with, whether that’s love or substance or things like that, and it’s up and down. Or, even just attention, you know? I get so much attention and that can become addiction.

Considering the scathing critical reviews for Witness, that last statement may no longer be a problem. Perry also sat down with lesbian comedian James Corden to talk about the best and brightest celebrity dicks to enter her body. This is the penultimate fame whore stunt reserved for celebrities in their sixties to reveal in tell-all books. Perry has all the restraint of Tara Reid at the extra skin store, claiming: 

They’re all amazing lovers and I would have sex with all of them after I get out of this place!

Perry went on to state that John Mayer is the winner of the fuck contest, followed by Orlando Bloom and Diplo. The farm has been sold. Carly Simon waited until she was ninety-years-old to reveal who was so vain. Perry spilled the answer much earlier in her career. Herself.  

Perry capped off her live streaming weekend with a heartfelt apology for her former cultural appropriation during an interview with famed Black Lives Matter supporter Deray McKesson. In response to the criticism she received for wearing cornrows in her music video for This Is How We Do, she stated:

[Cleo Wade] told me about the power in black women’s hair, and how beautiful it is, and the struggle. I listened. And I heard. And I didn’t know. And I won’t ever understand some of those things because of who I am — I will never understand, but I can educate myself, and that’s what I’m trying to do along the way.

First black people. Now dykes. Perry needs to check herself before she makes any more follicular follies. I could go on about Perry’s action packed live streaming weekend. But the media has already moved on to the most unbelievable Tony Awards speeches. Number seventeen will shock you. Perry jumped the shark at just thirty-two years of age. Witness the death of her career.

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