What’s the average time men last in the sack? I’m going to need a locker room survey because Jared Kushner is bragging about banging Ivanka Trump for a full 21 minutes and uploaded a sappy Spotify playlist as proof. I would imagine the time it takes most men slaying the malevolent muff monster who makes women mean when it’s unsatisfied is around the same time it takes to finish a rerun of Reba. But that’s if you’re able to find a full uninterrupted half hour in-between responsibilities and an oncoming mid-life crisis. 40 percent of the five song playlist belongs to John Legend which sounds to me more like a few songs with some piano instrumentals on how to save a marriage. Not let’s have sexual intercourse.
How can we be so sure this is about sex, you wonder? For starters, consider that this is the first public playlist Ivanka has made since her 2015 banger, “Holiday Party,” and that it is also the only one she has ever made with such a cryptic title. (The rest bear names like “Walk to Work” and “Weekend Morning.”) Should you google the playlist’s title, “991122,” the vast majority of your results would relate to the corresponding HTML color code, a deep red.
Pair all this with the knowledge that the list was made just 10 days before the couple’s anniversary, and it’s hard to see this as anything but their 21-minute sex playlist.
This has to be the most dishonest playlist anyone has ever put out. Ivanka has a face that suggests she’s into Russian hard bass house and orgies. Not Macy’s men’s suit department music. But her father is a politician, she’s been bred to lie to the public. To each their own. If Jared is happy with slow sad strokes until the big O happens during Adele’s When We Were Young than I’m happy too. Because having sex to theme music already says a lot about you. Great sex is spontaneous, not some personal concert with an audience of one woman and your penis as the solo performer.
Photo Credit: Backgrid