Depending on your Ecclesiastical upbringing, the Advent is either the four Sundays period leading up to Christmas and the preparation to celebrate the birth of the Christ child, or the actual return of Christ to earth. Either way, something implicity monumental. The Advent is one of those religious-enough liturgical terms that most shopping malls and Fischer-Price stay away from in their seasonal consumer promotions. The British LOVE magazine chose a different path, starting several years ago, with a daily release of a celebrity model homaging some kind of kitschy pop culture reference, set to shitty music.
Practically speaking, Christmas was ruined long before Kendall Jenner was born unto this world to be a wind-up sex toy for various rappers and athletes like her half-sisters before her. Her shadow boxing in a Yuletide Rocky spoof may be the death knell of the Second Coming. It’s unclear who the audience is for these videos, especially the ones where a slender model with small breasts jumps rope. That’s completely antithetical to all known sexual objectification cliches. If Jesus is coming back, he’s going to demand wet T-shirt contestants and any woman in the front row of filmed rock concerts be stacked. A lot has gone to shit since he left. Even with the prostitutes and tax collectors.
Entry into the LOVE magazine Advent Calendar of shitty videos is the Heisman Trophy for the dumb and pretty. Like that trendy dive bar that has lines out the door despite the fact that a dozen better bars on the same street are largely empty. It’s simply an invented hip thing. You’ll see numerous top celebrity models with prepared quotes about the amazing experience of being set to near copies of popular music in videos that are not quite masturbation worthy. A simple reminder that the actual magazine demo is almost entirely women who like to buy shit they don’t need. Men can always search “Christmas” on YouPorn and return thousands of options.
Fahoo fores dahoo dores, welcome what’s left of Christmas.