Newly Single Jennifer Aniston Eyeing Brad Pitt’s Penis?

February 16, 2018 | celebrity | Sam Robeson | 0 Comments

An older woman and a younger man have broken up after a relatively short time together, and the news is obviously pretty hard for people to digest. When has this ever happened. Eighty-five-year-old actress Jennifer Aniston and forty-six-year-old actor Justin Theroux have called it quits after being together since 2011 and being married since 2015, and through a new joint statement declare that they, shocker, have nothing but mutual respect for one another and love each other and everything’s amazing and please respect their privacy and they’re splitting because Theroux got sick of finding Aniston’s old lady vagina slapping against her knees. Well, that last part is implied:

In an effort to reduce any further speculation, we have decided to announce our separation. This decision was mutual and lovingly made at the end of last year. We are two best friends who have decided to part ways as a couple, but look forward to continuing our cherished friendship. Normally we would do this privately, but given that the gossip industry cannot resist an opportunity to speculate and invent, we wanted to convey the truth directly. Whatever else is printed about us that is not directly from us, is someone else’s fictional narrative. Above all, we are determined to maintain the deep respect and love that we have for one another.

Yes, people who have deep respect and love for one another get divorced. The news of the duo’s separation barely had time to sink in before people naturally started looking to Aniston’s ex Brad Pitt’s penis, and wondering how thirsty she is for that sweet dong. Twatters on the Twitterverse are already speculating that Aniston is back to finger blasting herself while sniffing Pitt’s old underwear and Buzzfeed released the think piece “Jennifer Aniston is Separating from Justin Theroux and People Want Her to Call Up Brad Pitt.”

If Hollywood has taught us anything over the past year it’s that women – not to mention a woman as successful as Aniston – are independent and fierce and own their sexuality, but today’s reaction to Aniston’s split is a nice reminder that without a man in her life, a woman is just an aimless bloody tampon in search of love. And since Aniston is a hundred she’s more like a dusty barren field with no one to water her. My coworker says that the narrative of Aniston’s perpetual loneliness is ridiculous and only exists to keep single forty-something women from overdosing on catnip while watching Bridget Jones’s Diary, but I think Aniston just needs that Pitt dick to be truly happy. Just look at her. She wants to be tarred and feathered with his jizz and pubes. Get what’s yours you sad old skank!






Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Tags: jennifer aniston brad pitt justin theroux

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