Someone call an exterminator. I have a homosexual cricket on my shoulder telling me to not be a piece of shit. Making fun of a celeb works best when we know without a doubt that the celeb in question is an amoral satanic hooker like your run of the mill Kardashian, or if they’re at least clinically hilarious and annoying as hell about it like Ashley Graham. But Jennifer Love Hewitt might be neither of these things, and the fact that she just released an elaborate, not tongue-in-cheek, not h8er-slamming apology for looking like the long-lost Kirke sister or God forbid Vera Farmiga during a recent red carpet appearance breaks my pencil eraser-sized heart. Fuck you Hewitt for putting me through this.
Yesterday we kind of made fun of Hewitt for looking like an Ohio mall Jones New York sales associate posing for a #makeupfreeday selfie, and apparently enough people chimed in across the web to make Hewitt feel self-conscious enough to release this statement through a series of posts on her Insta Story (viewable in the YouTube clip above):
It has been a really intense couple of days. Like, so great, so blessed—but intense. We go to the Upfront yesterday and nobody tells me the day is going to be like 12 hours long and the humidity is going to be almost 100 percent in New York City. So, I just have to apologize. Wearing a black suit? Not a good idea. Not wearing enough hairspray and teasing in my hair? Also a bad idea.
I just have to apologize for how wrecked I look in all the pictures that have come out. I was literally melting. By the time I got to the red carpet, I was honestly melting. My hair was flat, my makeup was running off my face and I looked like I had completely forgotten I was an actress in this business who is supposed to look [perfect] when you step on the red carpet. That is not what I’m going to look like on the show. I’m going to have makeup on my face. I’m not going to be sweating. I’m not going to be overwhelmed by being in front of a red carpet and crews again. Honestly, I apologize. I should’ve really gotten it together!
I’m going to be killing my boxing workouts again, getting in great shape mentally, physically and emotionally for all that’s ahead when we start the season. I’m just feeling really grateful, so I hope you’re excited. I’m excited. And I’m really sorry for looking like a hot mess on the red carpet yesterday. Oh, my God! I was so hot! I was like literally melting. Like, melting. Melting! But…I had a blast!
I don’t know whether she was strongarmed into this by douchebag 9-1-1 mega-producer Ryan Murphy or whether she actually felt like her look warranted an apology. This was actually a rare red carpet appearance for Hewitt, who most likely was self-conscious to begin with. Jennifer, if you someone lost your way on the dark web and are reading this – the people making fun of you are so wildly sad that if you saw their lives you would kill yourself. If I’m not fishing my wardrobe out of a cardboard box at Ross Dress for Less then I’m not living. I’m aging like Aaron Carter, except if he did even more drugs, if that’s possible. That’s worth apologizing for. And fuck Ryan Murphy if he was a dick. He DEFINITELY doesn’t have AIDS ::wink:: Jen, don’t come to us with anything besides an insufferable P!ink-worthy slam in the future that will help make us despise you, so help me God. You bitch.
Photo Credit: Instagram / Backgrid USA