Ted Cruz Digs His Chunky

CNN created the Town Hall forum this Presidential election cycle so you could spend a ton of time getting to know each candidate one-on-one. Who the fuck asked for that? They’re horribly boring weird-eared fucks with buried rage. Please give us more alone time. During this week’s Town Hall Anderson Cooper interviewed Ted Cruz as the two men tried not to mentally undress one another. The Cruz family was brought out as Cruz’s wife Heidi fumbled for a quaint anecdote about her creepy husband:

When I married Ted, we got back from our honeymoon, and he went off to the store and came home by himself. And I was completely shocked to see that he arrived back at our apartment with literally 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky soup.

Somebody just shit the bed on cute origin stories. He never insisted on making Turducken one Thanksgiving and ended up having to take everyone out to Denny’s after messing things up? That’s so Ted. Though it’s not. The 100 cans of Chunky soup is and it’s fucking weird. Even Rain Man only watched one Wapner trial at a time. Heidi Cruz noted that she immediately returned all the soup to the store only to have her mother insist she go back and get those fucking Chunky cans back in the pantry before Ted woke up. Which she did. Someone is mental in this house and it’s not the guy on secret shopping trips buying 100 cans of Sirloin Burger with Chunky Vegetables. The Enquirer has plenty of cash for the first person to capture those girls levitating.

Photo credit: CNN