Lisa Opie Eschews Undergarments

December 6, 2016 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

Women going out for the evening without underpants used to have a very limited upside. You weren’t necessarily shuffled up to the VIP room to meet the visiting royals and Haliburton execs. But the bartender would fuck you in exchange for comped drinks.

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Lisa Opie Graduates Northward

October 17, 2016 | celebrity | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

Lisa Opie won a beauty pageant on one of the Caribbean islands where people go on package deals to fuck other people’s wives. Opie is a more practical pageant contestant. If she’s got stories on billionaires ogling her or making dirty jokes in the dressing room, she’s keeping them to herself. Good girl. Loose lips sink ships. Or they can secure you a sweet loft apartment and some grocery money. Whole Foods apples cost three bucks. That’s a thousand dollars a year in apples. Smart girls do the math.

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Lisa Opie in a Bikini

July 2, 2015 | bikini | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

Fat women will point out how skinny women are just as likely to die in a thermonuclear explosion as they are. It’s probably not to your benefit to skip meals to fit perfectly into your little bikini. But that’s you. Let’s talk about me. I appreciate it. There’ll be time for Arby’s when you’re older […]

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Lisa Opie In A White Bikini

January 30, 2015 | bikini | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

The obvious downside of being a chick who wears a bikini for her nine to five is the starvation and gym workouts you can’t fake. The upside, sleeping until 11:00 am and casually running a credit check on the guy in your bed who claims to be a successful night club owner. Will he be […]

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Lisa Opie in A Bikini Doing Yoga

November 4, 2014 | bikini | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

I’m not sure women should be allowed to strike this particular pose on the public beach. It’s like showing off breasts. It’s merely going to cause boys to become interested in girls and someday want to have sex with them. Somebody needs to explain to these boys that while sex is totally fucking awesome, until […]

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Lisa Opie in a Bikini

October 1, 2014 | bikini | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

If you can’t pull off a decent upward bow, you can’t be my girlfriend. Fuck if I grimace when I try to touch my toes. If I can’t rest my chalupa party pack on your midsection for at least the first half of a Sunday NFC East showdown, I’m not going to meet your parents […]

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Lisa Opie And Ana Braga in Bikinis

August 13, 2014 | bikini | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

I admire the way women so seamlessly interact within each other’s personal space. If any of my buddies asked me to pull their swim trunks out of their ass, I’d punch them hard in the neck and tell them we can’t play D&D anymore. That’s not homophobic, that’s qualitative. If Lena Dunham showed me where […]

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Lisa Opie Bikini Yoga, Why the Fuck Not

June 27, 2014 | bikini | Lex Jurgen| 0 Comments

Yoga really is the ultimate in training for the mind, body, and soul. It’s hard to imagine what India would be like today were it not for 5,000 years of yoga enlightenment. Millions of people might be shitting in the streets with millions more poking through that shit to find sustenance. Thank you downward facing […]

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