By Matt January 23, 2015 @ 8:04 AM
The NBA has a firm grasp on its fan base. They’ve tapped a dwarf who wears cat ears and appeals to modestly reformed pederasts on the loophole that she is technically an adult, all be it with a glaring hormone imbalance, to headline the All Star Game’s Halftime Show. Her performance should be fittingly bland so as to not distract from a game where the players jog around hungover and text groupies from the bench. You don’t want Outkast showing up and everyone leaving for the second half. Grande’s performance should add to an overall feeling of disappointment for anyone who makes the mistake of watching this game on TV instead of going to the park. It should have zero effect on the scores of gang members who make the annual trek to instigate brawls and shootings. They are generally immune to the beguiling of a super precocious slut child and her lip synching.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex December 11, 2014 @ 11:41 AM
I’m pretty sure this chick’s entire appeal is based around looking like a girl who can’t find her parents at a Hello Kitty convention. Which is just like saying Microsoft’s DOS entire appeal was based around being able to operate PCs. There’s an enormous market for underaged appearing girls dressed like naughty cats. It’s politely referred to as Japan. If you intend to spend your entire Saturday masturbating to socially unacceptable topic headings, you’re going to need something after Sailor Moon. Ariana Grande is what’s next.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex December 03, 2014 @ 1:17 PM
Sometimes you plan and plan, but shit just goes wrong. A fucking wing to the head when you’re trying to belt out your mall ballad for the fifteenth time this week. Lingerie models can work through this. They’ve trained themselves since second grade to suffer. But when you’re a true artist, cosmic bursts and wings to the head can throw off your Muse. That pained face like dad just told you he’s gay and you’re going to live with Aunt Helen for the summer while mom deals with her depression. At least, that was the face I made. I wish this gif had sound.
Photo Credit: Getty/Cosmopolitan
By Lex December 03, 2014 @ 9:25 AM
The Victoria’s Secret fashion show was a huge hit in London last night, aiding the country of England in their annual determination of which of their foppish male denizen are gay and which just seem super gay. It wasn’t quite as crude as a boner test, more like seeing if you said something approximating ‘love the feathers’ at any point during the show. There were a few tense moments when producers worried the black models might hold up some kind of Ferguson protest signs, until somebody remembered they refuse to hire any black models and everything went off without a hitch. Sally forth.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex November 24, 2014 @ 8:42 AM
There was some effort to provide tits at the American Music Awards so the seventeen percent of straight male audience viewing the fabulous costume and lip synch parade could tell their buddies this morning, it was awesome, did you see so and so’s tits? Everyone understand this is the rhetorical question of a man so pussy whipped he couldn’t either watch more football or build something with his hands in the garage. The other option is that he’s particularly keen on Taylor Swift and One Direction, in which case we might as well hand the front door keys to China and beg them not to serve eggplant every night in the internment camps.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/Getty
By Matt November 04, 2014 @ 9:22 AM
Some pasty dude named Tim Normandin has sent Ariana Grande the following gifts: A forty pound pumpkin, candles, kitty cat calendars, a set of mirrors from K-Mart, and jewelry that cost him a full month of lunch money allowance from mom. Instead of curt but sweet thank you card, Grande has contacted law enforcement who have warned Normandin to cease and desist the Travis Bickle as Santa Claus routine. Normandin has remained defiant. I’m three levels of education away from being a lawyer, but buying people gifts certainly can’t be illegal. Americans still enjoy the freedom to express our religious beliefs and shower young media composed tarts with bullshit they order online while masturbating. Grande really needs to work on her attitude of gratitude. Years from now while married to an emotionally abusive husband she will look back on Normandin as the one who got away. Or they’ll find bodies in his crawl space. Only time will tell.