whats the latest with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?

By brendon July 05, 2012 @ 3:58 PM

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I hope that headline didn’t imply that I know all the latest developments in the divorce between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Oh my God this stupid thing is so confusing, and there’s like a billion stories on it every day!

CRUISE WILL FILE RIVAL DIVORCE PAPERS – probably in California, and may ask for full custody of Suri. Did you know you’re not allowed to bluff when asking for full custody, and you actually have to keep the kid? Holy shit did I learn that the hard way. (bbc)

HOLMES WILL BE IN FAMILY COURT – on July 17 in New York City at an order to show cause hearing. Which has something to do with custody and child support. Like all legal talk, the explanation just looks like they typed random words in no particular order. (e!)

THE NIECE OF DAVID MISCAVIGE – who is the leader of Scientology and the guy who set Cruise up with Holmes, says Katie is right to be scared of what Scientology will do to Suri. “My experience in growing up in Scientology is that it is both mentally and at times physically abusive.” Also there’s very little Science going on, despite what the name may lead you to believe. (nydn)

THE DIVORCE IS NOT ABOUT SCIENTOLOGY – according to someone close to Cruise. And it must be true because why would he lie? (tmz)

KATIE TOOK SURI TO THE CHILDRENS MUSEUM OF THE ARTS – in New York today, and she was crying a little. Is that because of the divorce? Is it because I was just off camera in a werewolf mask, pointing at her and then stabbing at the air with a knife? Both? (image source = splash)

you’ll never guess why Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise

By brendon June 30, 2012 @ 7:45 AM

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It would be easy to paint Scientology as some scary cult that has given Katie Holmes no choice but to divorce Tom Cruise, and that’s because Scientology is a scary cult that has given Katie Holmes no choice but to divorce Tom Cruise.

So here’s a timeline explaining how we got here, and it’s kinda long but don’t skip to the end without paying me or else you’ll die of pneumonia (I’m just like Scientology).

Read more >

Heidi Klum is single

By brendon January 23, 2012 @ 9:31 AM

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Heidi Klum and Seal have had 4 kids during their seemingly happy 7 year marriage, but now those kids are orphans or whatever because Klum and Seal are getting a divorce. Last night, they released this controversial statement…

“We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other, but our six-year-old son Henry still wets the bed. It’s so embarrassing! We can’t even have his friends over anymore because he’ll pee on them. I don’t know what his deal is. He must like it, the little pervert. Does sham-wow make sheets? Because we’d buy some. Anyway, this led to a lot of tension in the house and that led to fights. So thanks a lot you little dick! Way to ruin our family.”

Wow, nice job Henry. Hey look, your mom is crying again, is this what you wanted, are you happy now?

TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL!

By brendon January 04, 2012 @ 11:26 AM

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When Sinead O’Connor got married to drug counselor Barry Herridge last month in Vegas, things got off to a rocky start. Because she immediately took him to the hood to buy drugs. Suffice to say they separated 18 days later.

But last night Sinead announced that they’re reconciling, and she did it in the most disgusting way possible, by tweeting:

“Guess who had a mad love making affair with her own husband last night?”

Awww. It’s really touching to see two people make a connection like this. Despite their different interests (getting high, the exact opposite of getting high) she’s determined to make it work. Or maybe it’s because of their differences. If anyone should know where to score some awesome weed it should be a drug counsellor.

(image source = aol, splash)

Sinead O’Conner is as weird and insane as she looks

By brendon December 29, 2011 @ 12:53 PM

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Sinead O’Connor got married for the fourth time on December 8th in Vegas, then divorced the guy 16 days later on Christmas eve, and today she tells the Sun what went wrong. As you might expect, the part where she took her new husband, who is a drug counsellor, to the hood and bought crack was indeed a factor.

O’Conner insisted that she still loved drugs counsellor Barry Herridge.
But she admitted their marriage got off to a turbulent start when she nearly bought crack on a wild hunt for (marijuana) on their wedding night.
She said: “We ended up in a cab in some place that was quite dangerous. I wasn’t scared — but he’s a drugs counsellor. What was I thinking? Then I was handed a load of crack. Barry was very frightened — that kind of messed everything up a bit really.”

She seems hung up on him being a drug counselor, but most romance experts agree that going to the hood to buy crack is bad date choice in general, regardless of what your date does for a living.

Ashton Kutcher has some timely new relationship advice

By brendon November 18, 2011 @ 4:35 PM

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If you think that being in the middle of a cheating scandal would stop Ashton Kutcher from sounding like a pretentious jackass while he pontificates on the secrets to a good relationship, please allow me to introduce you to Ashton Kutcher. He has new interviews in the December editions of ‘Mens Health‘ and ‘Womens Health’, where he revealed his key to a happy marriage.

“I think it’s all about working on the relationship and making it better when it’s good. Don’t wait for a problem to work on things. The goal is not to get into a relationship; the goal is to be in a relationship.”

“At least that’s what it says here on my list of pandering things to say to a magazine for women to make me seem romantic and sensitive.”

When asked what compliment he’d most like to receive from a woman, Kutcher said:
“I would just like a woman someday, somewhere, at some point in my life to say to me, ‘You’re a great listener’ Haven’t heard it yet, and that’s a superior compliment to get from a woman. But I’m going to work on it.”

“As your wife I really hate it when you go out and bang random whores. Ashton are you listening to me?”

And what might be the most revealing comment of all, Kutcher remarked, “I could never be with a woman who felt like she needs to change me.”

“Well I could be, as long as she minds her own business.”

(image source of ashton yesterday outside his enormous two-story trailer on the set of ‘two and a half men’ = inf)