Hey! It’s fifteen years ago and Slim Shady is pissing people off. In a new song he says he wants to punch Lana Del Rey like Ray Rice did to his wife and people are in a tizzy about it because it’s controversial and dangerous talk and not at all designed to garner media attention and sell records.
All I really know about Hailie I learned from Eminem rap songs about wanting to kill her mom, or his own mom, or do something violent to somebody in honor of Hailie. I just wanted to find Hailie and hug her and tell her that her little angry father was just speaking his peace, grabbing his dick, and making a boatload of dollars that she’d someday inherit. Turns out Hailie’s doing okay. Her mom’s still un-killed, her dad’s off the prescription painkillers, and she was voted Homecoming Queen at her Michigan high school. Eminem watched her parade proceedings from inside the high school cafeteria so that he wouldn’t create a scene with all the people he’d called fucking bitches and whores through the years. Same reason I can’t go back to any of my high school reunions.
Talk about piling on. Just when Khloe Kardashian is pushed to the limit on her limited IQ saintly caring for her maybe or maybe not drug addicted husband, Eminem comes along and drops this verse in his new single, Berserk:
“They say that love is as powerful as cough syrup and Styrofoam. All I know is I fell asleep and woke up in that Monte Carlo with the ugly Kardashian.
I don’t know if Khloe should be more offended that Eminem is calling her ugly, or the fact that the entire world is just assuming he’s talking about Khloe when he says the ugly Kardashian. Maybe he’s talking about Rob, or one of the not fully formed babies Kris buried in the backyard when she used to cheat on her husband.
Yeah, but this verse later in the song:
Lamar O, sorry, we done both set the bar low.
Wow, now I’m starting to feel sorry for the stupid Kardashian. You know who I’m talking about.
EMINEM – has cast porn star Sasha Grey to star in his video for Space Bound. If there’s not a lyric about his semen being “face bound”, now would be the time to add it. (the sun)
ALYSSA MILANO – is pregnant for the first time, with her husband Dave Bugliari, an agent at CAA. I bet this guy wishes he’d heard that “face bound” lyric from the Eminem song. Would have saved him a lot of trouble. (people)
ROSIE O’DONNELL – is single, after breaking up with the girl she’s dated for over a year. Surprisingly that was actually a real person, and not a sandwich maker that plugs into her car lighter. (page six)
MINKA KELLY – hit the gym today to start training for her role in ABC’s new version of Charlies Angels, an idea so dumb it shouldn’t have even been a Playboy cartoon, much less two movies and TV shows. (inf daily)
LARRY KING – announced his retirement last night and ‘Americas Got Talent’ judge Piers Morgan could sign a deal to replace him as early as today. King had no comment about Morgan because CNN had already pushed him down the stairs and locked the door behind him. (radar)
WONDER WOMAN – has a new costume and her slutty bodysuit has been replaced with pants and a jacket. The new writer also wanted to, “give her breast reduction surgery.” You’ve just made yourself a powerful new enemy, you sick son of a bitch. (ny times)
EMINEM – sold 741,000 copies of ‘Recovery’ last week, the biggest debut since 2008. The biggest debut of the decade of course was when my ex girlfriend saw my dick for the first time. Seriously. It’s humongous. Call me ladies! (yahoo)
ZOE SALDANA – is engaged. To a white guy. First Halle Berry now Zoe. Who does Seleta Ebanks date? Black guys won’t take this much longer, not when we’re giving them Khloe Kardashian in exchange. We could be on the verge of a race war. (msnbc)
JESSICA ALBA – is in Paris, but more to the point she looks fantastic in shorts. Too bad about that dumb kid, but at least Jessica didn’t get fat. That would be a much tougher problem. You can’t drown fat in a sink and throw it in a dumpster if you catch my drift. (splash)
I don’t mean to get all PC on everyone but I don’t think you should hold women prisoner in your car and then punch them in the face 50 times. Maybe I’m old fashioned and can’t relate to todays young people, but I think that’s wrong. So I was angry when Chris Brown did this to Rihanna and yet never spent one day in jail (hey where did this take place again? was it LA? oh gee there’s a fuckin surprise).
But, if he didn’t suffer a real punishment, at least his half-assed punishment is dragging on for a long time. Like this for example.
Officials in the United Kingdom today announced that they have barred Chris Brown from entering the country for a concert due to his vicious 2009 attack on his former girlfriend.
“We reserve the right to refuse entry to the U.K. to anyone guilty of a serious criminal offence. Public safety is one of our primary concerns,” Britain’s Home Office said in a statement. “Each application to enter the U.K. is considered on its individual merits.”
Needless to say, Brown was found meritless.
“SORRY to all the fans in Europe!!! my tour is cancelled. Im pretty sure yall know. my entry was denied in your country. I love you. SORRY!!” Brown (said on twitter).
It’s so satisfying to see Browns career fall apart. Rihanna is doing great, and she’ll probably be everywhere again this summer with that Eminem song, but the only way Chris Breezy is gettin on the radio is if he stands on one.