Tuesday afternoon headlines

By brendon February 22, 2011 @ 5:54 PM

EMINEM – has cast porn star Sasha Grey to star in his video for Space Bound. If there’s not a lyric about his semen being “face bound”, now would be the time to add it. (the sun)

ALYSSA MILANO – is pregnant for the first time, with her husband Dave Bugliari, an agent at CAA. I bet this guy wishes he’d heard that “face bound” lyric from the Eminem song. Would have saved him a lot of trouble. (people)

ROSIE O’DONNELL – is single, after breaking up with the girl she’s dated for over a year. Surprisingly that was actually a real person, and not a sandwich maker that plugs into her car lighter. (page six)

MINKA KELLY – hit the gym today to start training for her role in ABC’s new version of Charlies Angels, an idea so dumb it shouldn’t have even been a Playboy cartoon, much less two movies and TV shows. (inf daily)

8 photos in gallery >

Tags: alyssa milano, eminem, headlines, minka kelly, rosie o donnell |

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wednesday headlines

By brendon June 30, 2010 @ 11:04 AM

LARRY KING – announced his retirement last night and ‘Americas Got Talent’ judge Piers Morgan could sign a deal to replace him as early as today. King had no comment about Morgan because CNN had already pushed him down the stairs and locked the door behind him. (radar)

WONDER WOMAN – has a new costume and her slutty bodysuit has been replaced with pants and a jacket. The new writer also wanted to, “give her breast reduction surgery.” You’ve just made yourself a powerful new enemy, you sick son of a bitch. (ny times)

EMINEM – sold 741,000 copies of ‘Recovery’ last week, the biggest debut since 2008. The biggest debut of the decade of course was when my ex girlfriend saw my dick for the first time. Seriously. It’s humongous. Call me ladies! (yahoo)

ZOE SALDANA – is engaged. To a white guy. First Halle Berry now Zoe. Who does Seleta Ebanks date? Black guys won’t take this much longer, not when we’re giving them Khloe Kardashian in exchange. We could be on the verge of a race war. (msnbc)

JESSICA ALBA – is in Paris, but more to the point she looks fantastic in shorts. Too bad about that dumb kid, but at least Jessica didn’t get fat. That would be a much tougher problem. You can’t drown fat in a sink and throw it in a dumpster if you catch my drift. (splash)

TWITTER ……….. FACEBOOK ……….. GUDVANGEN, NORWAY

9 photos in gallery >

Tags: eminem, headlines, Jessica Alba, larry king, piers morgan, wonder woman, zoe saldana |

59 Comments

hahaha, you suck chris brown

By brendon June 08, 2010 @ 1:30 PM

I don’t mean to get all PC on everyone but I don’t think you should hold women prisoner in your car and then punch them in the face 50 times. Maybe I’m old fashioned and can’t relate to todays young people, but I think that’s wrong. So I was angry when Chris Brown did this to Rihanna and yet never spent one day in jail (hey where did this take place again? was it LA? oh gee there’s a fuckin surprise).

But, if he didn’t suffer a real punishment, at least his half-assed punishment is dragging on for a long time. Like this for example.

Officials in the United Kingdom today announced that they have barred Chris Brown from entering the country for a concert due to his vicious 2009 attack on his former girlfriend.
“We reserve the right to refuse entry to the U.K. to anyone guilty of a serious criminal offence. Public safety is one of our primary concerns,” Britain’s Home Office said in a statement. “Each application to enter the U.K. is considered on its individual merits.”
Needless to say, Brown was found meritless.
“SORRY to all the fans in Europe!!! my tour is cancelled. Im pretty sure yall know. my entry was denied in your country. I love you. SORRY!!” Brown (said on twitter).

It’s so satisfying to see Browns career fall apart. Rihanna is doing great, and she’ll probably be everywhere again this summer with that Eminem song, but the only way Chris Breezy is gettin on the radio is if he stands on one.

Tags: chris brown, eminem, rihanna |

65 Comments

morning headlines

By brendon September 01, 2009 @ 1:03 PM

VICTORIA BECKHAM – went to Barneys in Beverly Hills to buy a cheerleader outfit to wear for her husband. This is the only bad thing about Posh. She’s married to David Beckham. How the hell do you follow that dude? She might as well be married to Batman. (the sun)

BAD BOYS 3 – 14 years after the original and 6 after the sequel, Columbia Pictures has hired a writer for ‘Bad Boys 3′. Michael Bay, Jerry Bruckheimer, Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are all interested but not signed. When asked if he had any ideas for the story, Bay said, “The what?” (hollywood reporter)

EMINEM – his ex-wife Kim told a Detroit radio station, “If you’re going to have sex with Marshall, make sure you have a little blue pill, because otherwise it does not work.” If I was a woman I’m not sure I’d go on the radio and brag that men can’t get an erection when I try to have sex with them, but maybe I’m just shy. (the sun)

CURRENT SONG – Beck, ‘Timebomb’. The random chatter of people in the background is a cool touch. It’s as if I have friends, and they’ve invited me to a party!

Tags: current song, eminem, headlines, victoria beckham, will smith |

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Eminem was in on it

By brendon June 02, 2009 @ 5:55 AM

Scott Aukerman was the head writer at Sunday nights MTV Movie Awards, and while not thinking up uncomfortably awful jokes, he wrote on his blog that Eminem was fully in on the joke with Bruno, and it went down exactly as planned. The Sun UK says…

But Scott insists Eminem was in on the prank – and agreed to have Bruno’s naked rear just inches from his face.
He wrote on his blog: “Yes, the Bruno/Eminem incident was staged.
“That’s all anyone wants to talk about, so let’s get it out of the way.
“They rehearsed it at dress and yes, it went as far as it did on the live show then.”

If you’d like to know why the MTV show was so devoid of any happiness whatsoever and get a quick look at the sad state of Hollywood comedy writing, check out Scotts tumblr and twitter. Here’s a Twitter he wrote about snowmen:

A lot of 3′s in snowmen, huh? 3 snowballs to make it. 3 charcoals for its buttons. And THREE DEGREES WHEN YOU MAKE IT!?!?!?

I shit you not. This guy has been nominated for an Emmy. As a comedy writer. There is so much wrong with this joke, I can’t even…

I gotta go … lie down. I don’t feel so good.

Okay I’m back. I can’t think about the snowman joke without getting deeply and profoundly depressed, but I will point out that it’s composed of 4 observations, and every single one of them is wrong. The premise is wrong, the examples are only true if you’re drawing a snowman for some Christian Family Activity pamphlet, and is his punch-line that it’s cold out during winter? Aha! Now I get it Oh wait. I bet he’s got some real zingers about sand castles too. Let me guess, 100 trips to get the sand…

Oh but there’s more. Some jokes that didn’t make it on to MTV.

- Taylor Lautner gained 30 pounds of muscle to be in the Twlght sequel. It’s paying off -I hear “New Moon” is like a vampire movie on steroids
- “She has the last name of a carnival ride, and he has the last name of a tree. Please welcome Anna Faris Wheel and Chris Pine Tree.”
That joke was killed because we were contractually obligated to mention “Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs” – which fucked up its rhythm.

The Sun must have edited his statements about Eminem and Bruno, because if this doofus didn’t begin things by saying, “I could tell you but then I’d have to kill you”, I will eat my hat.

Tags: 2009 MTV Movie Awards, bruno, eminem, Sach |

115 Comments

Bruno vs Eminem, part 4

By brendon June 01, 2009 @ 1:27 PM

Still no definitive answer as to whether Eminem knew Sacha Barron Cohen was going to 69 him on TV last night, but E! now has what is probably the most likely scenario…

(Eminem) was aware that Brüno would be falling on him—but not while wearing a butt-baring thong. And though Eminem stormed out of the Gibson Amphitheatre, the hip-hop star didn’t leave; he hung out in his trailer until the show was nearly done.

Life and Style says much of the same but adds that so did Paris Hilton, because that’s who Bruno asked first.

…producer Mark Burnett cleared the prank with the rapper beforehand. However, Eminem wasn’t aware of exactly how naked Sacha would be when he agreed to do it!
A second insider also confirms that Eminem was actually Burnett’s second choice. The first? Heiress Paris Hilton, who, luckily for her, declined to participate.

Oh, ooh, yeah. Wouldn’t want to offend her delicate sensibilities. As if that do-nothing whore hasn’t had random balls dropped on her chin a thousand times already. Probably wouldn’t even be the first time a guy with a camera in an angel costume had done it. Doing the same thing on TV seems to be the next logical step.