Nobody said dating a Muslim rapper was going to be easy, but Khloe Kardashian never asked for easy. Khloe’s been respecting the Ramadan restrictions of her boyfriend French Montana these past month, including no sex of any kind, outside of whoever he’s fucking on the side, naturally. Khloe admits she’s been frisky without her Moroccan mustang plowing her spacious meadows. Fuck, I just tasted my puke. She’s been teasing the hell out of him with her outrageously large and robust body in the manner that Hulk Hogan used to tease his floored opponents before the finishing leg drop. Ramadan is all about putting your faith to the test. Keeping your hands off that emotionally disturbed mammoth for a month can only bring you closer to your god.
Khloe’s new boyfriend posted an Instagram photo of her Mothra egg shaped cans with the hashtag #asssscap. I can only imagine the look of pride on his face when he invented that hashtag. If any girl on Twitter sobbed to Khloe about her boyfriend posting her body part pictures online, Khloe would’ve bounced into action with no less than three trite inspirational poems and a plagiarized quote from Golda Meir about perseverance. But in this case Khloe conveniently defined French Montana’s post as a funny joke from the wonderful married guy and deadbeat dad she’s dating:
He is just funny. He’s light and it’s easy. That’s what I need right now. It’s fun. I like how he’s always happy. Smiles are infectious. They’re contagious. I like that.
You know what else is contagious? Everything he’s going to stick in that fat-injected artificial ass of yours. It’d be easy to feel sorry for Khloe for always choosing door number retarded in her life. But after a while, you do start rooting for the fox to eat Baby Huey and shit out his bow tie.
Photo credit: French Montana/Instagram
All Khloe Kardashian ever wanted was a famous black person with lots of jewelry to subjugate her and make O.J. some grandkids. Khloe’s always felt like the third wheel to her older sisters who were out there having sex on camera and making bastard babies and all the fun things the behaviorists who raised her in her basement doll house told her she was too big to do. After Lamar Odom refused to make her with child, it all seemed so hopeless. I mean, Lamar would fuck a goat on its period if he was high enough. Khloe went through a few guys and a lot of heartache, but with French Montana, I’m pretty sure she’s found the one. Just as long as everybody remembers not to tell Khloe that he isn’t black, there’s no reason this period of extreme bliss can’t go on for another six months.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, Splash
Khloe Kardashian might be soupy in the intellect, but she knows what wins in the Kardashian family — dating thuggish black rappers into Versace. She tried following Kim’s lead into black athletes only to land the world’s biggest coke fiend. Now, she’s bagged French Montana who I immediately confused with Laurence Fisburne’s porn star daughter, Montana. When you’re a big shot rhymer, you’re going to earn some enemies, like the guy who shot French in the head ten years ago. Also, his ex-wife who has been using the press to warn Khloe that her baby daddy left her and their son the minute he got famous, wasn’t willing to pay child support, and was generally just a giant a-hole. French hardly ever sees his son; he didn’t even visit when the four year old was in the hospital:
But opportunistic love triumphs all in Khloe’s family. Though the Senior Kardashian Counsel on Making Even More Money has yet to fully vet French Montana as to his reality show and merchandising worthiness.
‘The whole family is worried,’ a friend of Khloé’s tells Life & Style. ‘They think she’s headed down the same path she did with her ex, Lamar Odom.’
Besides running a rap label called Cocaine City Records, being an absentee parent, and hanging with strippers and drug dealers, what reminds you of Lamar? Khloe may never conceive of an original thought in her life, but she does innately understand that her mom doesn’t love her as much as her legitimate born first two daughters. She’s got to do something. And something stupid is better than nothing, right? Once O.J. dies and Kris Jenner’s horrible secret dies with him, it really might be time to put Khloe down.